Christmas music makes you crazy, experts say

As we noted recently, it’s Christmas season, whether we like it or not. But a word of caution: don’t get too into the holiday spirit, it’s for your own good.

Experts say that constant exposure to Christmas music and scents can negatively affect your mental health. Studies show that holiday-related stress is a fairly common affliction. Psychologists warn that being unable to escape reminders of the holiday season can increase the pressure that we put on ourselves by not allowing a mental escape. By bombarding ourselves with Christmas music and scents the associate with the holidays, we put our mental health at risk.

So turn off the holiday jams, put out that pine-scented candle and thow out your maple pecan gingerbread coffee drink. You’re driving yourself crazy.

Science: Worrying about fitness could kill you

Are you worried about your lack of physical activity? Do you feel bad about not exercising as much as you should? You’re better off if you stop thinking about it, science says.

A new study out of Stanford University has found that the stress you put on yourself when do don’t feel as fit as those around you increases your risk of death. Those who felt satisfied with the amount of exercise they do regularly were healthier overall. Researchers also believe that comparing your fitness against others’ around you can negatively affect your health.

So be happy with your own level of activity. And if you’re not working out (this is America, so we’re probably talking about you), don’t worry about it. You just might save your life.

Kid stressed out? Scare it out of him

According to this baby's profile, work sucks, his husband doesn't appreciate him and Obama is antichrist.
According to this baby’s profile, work sucks, his husband doesn’t appreciate him and Obama is antichrist.

According to The Guys’ Facebook feed, many of our friends are now children, but with adult problems like work and pregnancy. That’s what we have to assume, anyway, based on your profile pictures. So, it was no surprise to us that kids’ tummy aches can be based on stress and indicate future anxiety disorders as adults. (Trust us, kids. We know your parents.)

Because keeping them home can cause kids to fall behind in schoolwork and social networking with peers, inducing further stress and exacerbating psychosomatic stomach pain, doctors now suggest the “suck it up” method: basically, kicking them out of the house with their lunch and suggesting they come back when they have our hangovers.

(This particular Guy’s father was ahead of his time and convinced 10-year-old me that I just had morning sickness and would feel fine by noon. This worked until the day I threw up at school and told the nurse that I would be fine “because it was just my morning sickness acting up.”)

But, if your child’s stomach aches persist — and doctors have ruled out a medical condition — just explain to them that if they don’t get their s**t together, they’ll develop an ulcer and die in their cubicle, alone, at work. That should calm ’em down.

When life gives men lemons, those men f%&k them

People respond to stress in different ways. Some shut down, and others claim they can only produce under pressure. It turns out that men are more interested in reproducing under stress.

British researchers recently learned that men who are tasked with stressful tasks, like public speaking, become attracted to a wider range of women’s body mass indexes, including women who are larger than what they normally go for. This might come from picturing the audience naked.

Dieting women of the world responded with a resounding, “Are you f%@king kidding me?!”

The pink elephant in the room

Americans have made great strides in quitting smoking … well, some Americans.

It turns out that a large percentage of modern smokers don’t support a daily habit nicotine habit, but smoke cigarettes “part-time.” Researchers are trying to figure out why people occasionally indulge in something that’s dangerous, tastes good, relieves stress and gives you something to do with your hands when surrounded by strangers. (In other news: people still eat Hot Pockets between trips to McDonald’s.)

But, of all the scenarios that The Wall Street Journal lays out, they left out the most obvious prompt for casual smokers to indulge: drinking.

It’s well known that booze and smokes go hand-in-hand. Alcohol shares all of the same benefits listed above with tobacco, but also blocks out shameful memories when you go too far with it.

What’s interesting, though, is that the article only focuses on cigarettes. Why not cigars or pipes? What about hookah? It’s pretty obvious that whoever did this research clearly does not smoke.

If you like stress so much, why don’t you marry it?

I work in corporate America. Most of the time, it’s not fun. I have to live with overlords that don’t exactly know how to effectively talk to their customers, customers that don’t know who to accurately blame for their troubles, managers who don’t quite have the skillset to do their job properly and a cafeteria that believes a strong menu is based off having green beans on the menu everyday. Yuck. I also have a pretty sweet benefits package.

Of course, seeing as how I don’t do anything dangerous outside of driving my car, I never actually utilize said benefits package.

But you know what? I’m still less stressed out than over 2200 people in Japan. I’m okay with that.