Tag: strip search

Government groping for the perv on a budget

Have you been wishing for a more intimate relationship with a government official, but can’t afford to fly all the time? The U.S. Supreme Court has your kink covered: get arrested for anything.

A 5-4 ruling on Monday has determined that “officials may strip-search people arrested for any offense, however minor, before admitting them to jails even if the officials have no reason to suspect the presence of contraband.” So, whether you’re in for an unpaid parking ticket, which the case was about (and it was later determined that, yes, it had been paid) or for violating a leash law, you, too, can get your junk ogled by a man — or woman — in uniform.

And it’s about time, too, because we’ve been wondering who we have to kill for this kind of service.

An important precedent in middle school dating

So, according to the U.S. Supreme Court, if you want to strip search a teenage girl, you better make sure she’s likely to carry contraband.

That’s why SeriouslyGuys endorses Bad Girls.

Yes, Bad Girls, the girls guaranteed to have something incriminating on them.

They’re the Vice Principal’s best friend, but only because they spend so much time in your office!

Bad Girls are available in different flavors, including:

  • Menthol
  • Vanilla Vodka
  • Crystal Methamphetamine

Bad Girls: two out of three Clarence Thomases can’t be wrong!

New airport scanner spurs quaint privacy complaints

There's nothing intimidating about walking through a X-ray machine with your hands behind your head.Stick-in-the-mud organizations like the Electronic Privacy Information Center, the Privacy Coalition and the American Civil Liberties Union are concerned about new airport security scanners that image your body under your clothes to detect metal objects and liquids.

They call this a “virtual strip search,” which would replace the traditional metal detector walkthrough and follow-up groin massage.

(This thought in itself is disturbing as we look forward to our pre-flight happy ending that calms our jitters. Fortunately, there’s still booze.)

Clearly, these “civil liberties” organizations are a bunch of prudes trying to conceal our bodies. In an age of constant twitter updates, breastfeeding photos on Facebook and amateur porn stars on BangBus, who are these ludites to speak for us?

We’re gonna be stars, dammit, and that’s why we don’t wear underwear.