China still can’t shake funeral strippers

Back in 2015 we told you about China’s crackdown on strippers performing at funerals, which probably led to a lot of you updating your wills. And now three years later, it seems the Chinese government can’t keep a good idea down.

China’s Ministry of Culture has announced that it is cracking down once again on funeral strippers, which remains a popular thing in rural areas because they are thought to boost attendance. But the problem may be more widespread than it was last time. Authorities said that they will also crack down on strippers at weddings and Chinese New Year celebrations.

So if you got engaged around Valentine’s Day, float the wedding stripper idea to your fiancee while she’s still distracted by her shiny new ring.

Grandpa’s never been so happy

If you ever live old enough and can afford to retire, which if you regularly read this blog seems like an unlikely scenario, we recommend retiring in England, where assisted living facilities offer a bit more than their U.S. counterparts.

One such place, which promises a holistic approach to their care, is now hiring strippers and escorts for their residents. This, coupled with all those reports of all the old-people sex going on at retirement homes, makes us think that retirement may finally sound more like college than prison.

Their enlargened heart fits due to their enlargened cup size

It’s just about Christmas time, people: less than two weeks! And as you, and you, and you, and I all know, the reason for the season is what?

Strippers! No, I mean, kids. But what if we could combine the two?

Hold on, please don’t contact the local authorities or the FBI yet, as it’s not technically my idea. The idea actually belongs to the Admiral Theatre in Chicago. Yes, the Admiral Theatre has decided that this week, and this week only, kind and generous patrons that bring in an unwrapped, unused toy will get a free lap dance. Though it’s said that the free lap dance is limited to one per customer, it doesn’t say just one in a week.

Be kind and generous! You can help stimulate the economy by buying and toy and in doing so, help stimulate, ummm … your wallet holder. Yes, that’s what we’ll go with.

The skies are getting friendlier

Women, so it is said, are people too. It is important that we menfolk treat them as equals, otherwise they’ll do something crazy like ban alcohol again. In Spain, it’s no different.

Flight attendants for Air Comet, which is also probably the name for a Nerf gun, have gone for nine months without pay. They’re not happy about it for obvious reasons, and they want people to pay attention to them. So naturally, they have posed for a nude calendar–three months into the year–and are selling it to get people informed about their situation, if you know what we mean.

Take that, Air Comet! You can’t just use flight attendants as objects!

Interesting choice of battle there

The Republican Party’s had a rough couple of weeks. They lost the fight over health care reform. They had some trouble outright condemning death threats and failing to distance themselves from racist lunatics. The Pentagon’s trying to make the military more gay-friendly. The President even co-opted their idea to expand oil exploration off the mid-Atlantic coast.

Through all of that, the faithful have remained …

… that is, until LesboStripperGate 2010!

After it was revealed that the Republican National Committee funded a $2000 field trip to see How Lesbians Work, family values “expert” Tony Perkins, Sarah Palin and others have announced that they are boycotting the RNC and encourage others to do the same.

Really? Strippers are the line? They do realize that there is no–none–sex in the champagne room, right?

All the same, we’d like to officially welcome the GOP to the third party ghetto now.

Is that an insider trading tip in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

Economy, why must you suck?

Dow, why have you foresaken me?

Frozen concentrated orange juice, where are you in my time of need?

These and other similar cries of agony can be heard wailing throughout the halls of strip clubs all over New York.

Really? Yep. The Wall Street banking industry may have collapsed in a heap of soiled Armani clothing (I hear a little baking soda will take that right out), but that won’t stop folks from indulging in the little things that make life bearable—like $1,000 lap dances. While others may have tightened their belt a bit, that’s not stopped some. Like, they really haven’t tightened their belt at all. Yes, despite some of the problems you may have heard regarding the strip clubs of New York City, they’re still doing what they can to bolster the economy-which, from what we hear, Wall Street will attempt to as well.

Gotta keep those economic “fundamentals” strong, you know.

Iowa: finally in the news for something other than a caucus

Strippers can now drop the much maligned social stigma that comes with their practice. For you see, in Iowa, these single-mothers of two who are having dollar bills stuffed into their g-strings in order to make it through med school are not forlorn harlots, no, they’re artists.

According to Iowa law, there is no all nude stripping allowed … in clubs. However, if it is performed in a theater or art center, it is considered art. Unless it is the 17-year-old niece of a local Des Moines sheriff.

How To: Beat addiction

So, if you followed last week’s How To, you got your band back together. How’s it going? Oh, you say your big reunion tour’s over already? That’s OK, because every band goes through a couple of false starts before the big reunion (see: every Van Halen attempt to reunite with Diamond Dave).

But before that happens, it’s time to evaluate what went wrong. Just like any breakup, we’ll bet dollars to donuts that it failed for the same reason that led to your first breakup: addiction. Also, you should probably change your socks.

The Guys love you very much, but we hate to see you hurting yourself. That’s why we’ve written this intervention: how to beat addiction. Continue reading How To: Beat addiction

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Zombie Strippers’

BRAAAAAAAINS ... AND BREEEEEAAAAASSSTTTSS.Before you start saying anything, I know exactly what you’re thinking–I’m actually reviewing a movie called Zombie Strippers? Well, come on, with a name that evocative, who wouldn’t want to see Zombie Strippers? Wait–don’t answer that just yet. Not since Snakes on a Plane has a (mainstream) film had a title so straightforward that you know exactly what you’re going to get before you even step into the theater. Where Strippers departs from Snakes, though, is that it’s actually Grade A B-movie schlock, whereas Snakes was just pretending to be. In this respect, it actually has more in common with the Robert Rodriguez/Quentin Tarantino double-bill Grindhouse–with probably about one-tenth the budget.

With that said, this review is indeed safe for work. I promise. The movie? Totally not safe for work. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Zombie Strippers’

Finally: an FCC fine we can agree with

Fox, by way of News Corp., is in trouble with the FCC for airing pixelated boobies on some show we’ve never seen called Married by America. This is the standard on which the FCC has based their suit:

“It ‘in context, depicts or describes sexual or excretory activities or organs in a patently offensive manner as measured by contemporary community standards for the broadcast medium.'”

Which has been applied to this:

“‘the thrusting of a male stripper’s crotch into a woman’s face; a topless stripper performing a lap dance for a groom-to-be; a topless female stripper spanking with a whip or belt the buttocks of a topless man who is on all fours; two topless female strippers apparently kissing while straddling a shirtless man; and a female stripper cupping her own bare breasts and puckering her lips.'”

The FCC is absolutely correct: this should not have been obscured with pixels! Fox, you owe us some strippers.