’80s nostalgia hits DC fourth graders

Four students from Washington, D.C. Thomson Elementary School were hospitalized for consuming an unknown quantity of cocaine while at school.

Nobody knows how one of the students obtained the coke, although it could have been one of those fabled free samples from the neighborhood dealer that D.A.R.E. warned us about. However, the four are reportedly fine and–aside from some sore throats–exhibited no other symptoms.

Oh, and they also:

  • wrote a screenplay for an action movie,
  • recorded a guitar-solo-heavy rock concept album about robots from the future,
  • talked to three women apiece (“eights” and above) about world piece
  • and invented a new type of calendar that replaces the leap year with a quarter day in February because your brain doesn’t move fast enough to interpret time in waves and rays.

Basically, what we’re saying is that cocaine is a hell of a drug.

At least they didn’t learn how to use a condom

We tie the elastic in the back to make ours look like footlongs.School administrators are outraged–OUTRAGED–that a choral director took 40 of her high school students to Hooters.

To be honest, we’re a little disappointed, too. Those students get to see enough tight t-shirts and low self-esteem in class. The least she could do is take them where they could actually see some tits.

In other news, teachers are still allowed to take students to symphony orchestra performances that feature pianists, tromboners and xylophone sex operators. (What? That’s what they’re called!)

Swine Flu? More like Swinging Flu, am I right?

We’re not here to make a big deal of something that shouldn’t be a big deal. Yes, the swine flu has hit Japan, despite all their efforts to block it. The areas of Kobe and Osaka have been hit hardest, according to reports. The Little Island That Could now has over 260 reported cases. It’s a high count, but cases have been mild for Japan, and no one has died from it.


In theory, the students could be as cautious as the media and disease control agencies want them to be, but instead, they would rather go out for karaoke. More than 4,400 schools, colleges and kindergartens have closed for the rest of the week to help slow spreading, but these students are enjoying the time off anyway. In Osaka, students have formed long lines in front of karaoke clubs. Being obviously so in tune with the kids these days, we guess that they’re rallying to sing away the disease, probably based off some hippy disease a la “Hands For Peace.”

Of course, some club owners don’t want business from kids from diseased or closed schools. One karaoke joint owner put up a sign saying that students from closed schools were not welcome inside. Someone will take their business, though. And they’ll all sing their flu-y voices into the same microphone.

Nicht denkt jemand an die Kinder?

Germany-home of Oktoberfest and upright proper Aryan pornTexas high school students were recently shocked to discover a picture of a newsstand with “revealing” adult magazines in their German textbook. Man, I can only wonder what the school’s art history students are thinking right now while going through their sculpture textbooks. They must tripping balls!

Virgina Tech students continue their rampages

Be on the lookout for armed Hokies!So a couple of Penn State students are receiving death threats for …

[Pausing for full affect of irony]

wearing costumes consisting of Virginia Tech clothes with bullet holes.

Yes, VT students are upset that someone at Penn State has moved on with life rather than milk victimhood indefinitely. These perennial victims of shootings, carbon monoxide, gravity and Frank Beamer are issuing death threats to these students over Facebook, where the images were uploaded.

The funniest response is from apparently unnamed “Penn State officials”:

    “We are appalled that these individuals would display this level of insensitivity, indifference and lack of common decency and sense by dressing up in this manner,” officials told the Roanoke station. “These two people do not represent 90,000 Penn State students. They represent themselves.”

So what they’re saying is that two students don’t represent 90,000, but 32 represents 25,000+? Or how about the one Tech student out of 25,000+, as these threats indicate?