School emptied out because of pumpkin spice air freshener

Danger in the air prompted a Baltimore high school to be evacuated this week. It was a strange smell in the school that caused the panic.

On Thursday, students at Cristo Rey Jesuit High School reported a strange odor, some even coughed and had a tough time breathing. A few students and teachers were even taken to the hospital. In response, firefighters were called to investigate and the school was emptied out. Before long they found the source of the strange smell: a pumpkin spice air freshener.

The first clue should have been when the female students were unaffected by the odor.

Alabama to teachers: Keep it in your pants

It’s been a while since we had something in this category. Any teacher will tell you–whether you ask them or not–how tough their job is. They have to deal with children, and they have to resist the urge to put their hands on the teenagers they find themselves attracted to. Alabama wants to help.

The state legislature is considering a bill that would require teachers to, and this is true, take a training course on how to not have sex with students. They’re doing this because teachers in the state are having trouble keeping it in their pants. Just this month, there have been five arrests related to high school teachers getting it on with underage students.

Who knew Alabama students were so attractive?

Sometimes a drunk teacher just wants food, OK?

It’s been a while since we’ve warned you about the dangers of education, but here’s a solid an example of why education should be abolished.

In California, three 17-year-olds were out driving around on a Saturday night when they saw one of their teachers standing on the side of the road. The teacher, John Edward Maust, 34, appeared to the students to be a bit tipsy. He asked for a ride. And at some point during the trip, he pulled a knife on his students and demanded they take him to a Jack-in-the-Box, according to police. Authorities say he fled the vehicle after one of the students dialed 911 and the teacher saw a police helicopter overhead.

That means they get A’s on their finals, right?

Get a haircut, and get a real Jong

UPDATE: So, it looks like this story’s the product of wishful thinking by lazy Asia-based news correspondents looking for a break from the search for Malaysian Flight 370. North Korean males don’t have to imitate Kim Jong-un’s white walls. They only have to keep their hair short for “socialist style,” which is weird because our socialists are usually the ones who grow it long.

North Korea is truly a mystery, as is Miley Cyrus, who got the Kim Jong-un haircut anyway.

On the plus side, at least something's going in the university students' bowls that isn't Ramen.
On the plus side, at least something’s going in the university students’ bowls that isn’t Ramen.

When it comes to world leaders, the Kims of North Korea would be the most hilarious dynasty since the Bushes if their lavish madness didn’t require 25 million people to subsist on it and grass soup.

Fortunately, starving university students can now eat their hair. Sources reported to Radio Free Asia that Supreme Leader (oh, mercy) Kim Jong-un has further restricted male haircuts for college students from 10 to one: his.

Some students are worried, though, that Kim’s haircut is too “particular,” in that not everyone has the head and facial shape to support the windswept Moe. That this is their concern and not the gradual reduction of even the most basic forms of self-expression proves that, no matter where they go to school and no matter what they study, male college students are always concerned with girls and sex.

’80s nostalgia hits DC fourth graders

Four students from Washington, D.C. Thomson Elementary School were hospitalized for consuming an unknown quantity of cocaine while at school.

Nobody knows how one of the students obtained the coke, although it could have been one of those fabled free samples from the neighborhood dealer that D.A.R.E. warned us about. However, the four are reportedly fine and–aside from some sore throats–exhibited no other symptoms.

Oh, and they also:

  • wrote a screenplay for an action movie,
  • recorded a guitar-solo-heavy rock concept album about robots from the future,
  • talked to three women apiece (“eights” and above) about world piece
  • and invented a new type of calendar that replaces the leap year with a quarter day in February because your brain doesn’t move fast enough to interpret time in waves and rays.

Basically, what we’re saying is that cocaine is a hell of a drug.

At least they didn’t learn how to use a condom

We tie the elastic in the back to make ours look like footlongs.School administrators are outraged–OUTRAGED–that a choral director took 40 of her high school students to Hooters.

To be honest, we’re a little disappointed, too. Those students get to see enough tight t-shirts and low self-esteem in class. The least she could do is take them where they could actually see some tits.

In other news, teachers are still allowed to take students to symphony orchestra performances that feature pianists, tromboners and xylophone sex operators. (What? That’s what they’re called!)

Swine Flu? More like Swinging Flu, am I right?

We’re not here to make a big deal of something that shouldn’t be a big deal. Yes, the swine flu has hit Japan, despite all their efforts to block it. The areas of Kobe and Osaka have been hit hardest, according to reports. The Little Island That Could now has over 260 reported cases. It’s a high count, but cases have been mild for Japan, and no one has died from it.


In theory, the students could be as cautious as the media and disease control agencies want them to be, but instead, they would rather go out for karaoke. More than 4,400 schools, colleges and kindergartens have closed for the rest of the week to help slow spreading, but these students are enjoying the time off anyway. In Osaka, students have formed long lines in front of karaoke clubs. Being obviously so in tune with the kids these days, we guess that they’re rallying to sing away the disease, probably based off some hippy disease a la “Hands For Peace.”

Of course, some club owners don’t want business from kids from diseased or closed schools. One karaoke joint owner put up a sign saying that students from closed schools were not welcome inside. Someone will take their business, though. And they’ll all sing their flu-y voices into the same microphone.

Nicht denkt jemand an die Kinder?

Germany-home of Oktoberfest and upright proper Aryan pornTexas high school students were recently shocked to discover a picture of a newsstand with “revealing” adult magazines in their German textbook. Man, I can only wonder what the school’s art history students are thinking right now while going through their sculpture textbooks. They must tripping balls!