Study: Your lady thinks it’s hot when you do the dishes

There’s nothing sexier to a woman than doing chores together, according to a new study.

If you want to have a healthy relationship, you need to divide the chores evenly, a survey of U.S. couples found. Women who felt they did most of the work around the house were less likely to be satisfied in their relationship, as well as in the bedroom. Men didn’t really seem to associate the amount of chores with any other aspect of their relationship.

The study really highlights how hundreds of women can coordinate responses to a survey in a bid to change their man’s behavior. Sneaky stuff.

Science still trying to figure out Chuck Berry

Bruce Springsteen may make you think that he’s there for the working class man. Jon Bon Jovi may have you think that the man is an outlaw with a heart of gold. Jack White would you have believe that you can play any instrument as long as you try and stay funky. John Mayer wants to you to see him as a sexual object made for the pleasure of women around the world. Joan Jett needs you to believe in the power of women and rocking out! You know what all of these people don’t have you thinking?

That not being white is the bee’s knees.

At least, that’s what science is telling us now. According to a study coming from the University of Minnesota, rock music makes people racist, in regards to preference.

After listening to Bruce Springsteen and the White Stripes, the students handed most of the money to white people. ‘Rock music is generally associated with white Americans, so we believe it cues white listeners to think about their positive association with their own in-group,’ said Heather LaMarre, an assistant professor of journalism and mass communication at the University of Minnesota. That was enough for them to show more support for a student group representing mostly whites.’

The Roots and the spectre of Chuck Berry’s meter long king kong ding dong could not be available for questions.

The birds, bees, people that eat them

A new study from Ohio State University reveals that men gain weight after a divorce, while women gain weight after having accomplished all of their life goals except ruining yours.

Researchers were unable to pinpoint the root causes for the higher chance of weight gain in these two groups, but they attributed it to married women having “less time to exercise and stay fit than similar unmarried women.”

If we may, we can fill science in on what happens to divorced men: beer for breakfast and Hot Pockets. Also, lackluster masturbation. (Lacklusturbation?)

Texting: the new, new gateway

Parents, if you thought your work was over: think again.

We’ve locked down every gateway to teenage sex and drinking, whether that gateway was pot, rock and roll, Satanism, thong underwear, birth control, spanking, video games, prime time television, gay teachers, violent cartoons, Sudafed, aerosol cans, presidential “bee-jays,” cleavage on Sesame Street, soccer games with clear-cut winners, candy cigarettes, red ink, trans fats, method acting, driving with passengers, Catholicism, scrambled pornography, comic books, music videos, the rap music, Bratz dolls, Woodrow Wilson, The Catcher in the Rye and that hairy bush from High School Musical.

We found a new one for you to go after: texting.

Get panicking! Their next text could be the text that makes you a horrible mom or dad.

Alcohol: The elixir of youth

It may seem like we champion the health benefits of booze to the point of ignoring its effects on driving. Well, you know what’s (arguably) more dangerous than drunk driving? Elderly driving.

And that’s where booze wins again. According to a retrospective British study, which was most likely performed with room temperature beer, drinking reduces susceptibility to rheumatoid arthritis.

So, you wanna stay young, loose and safe? Drink.

The Real Story: Botox users already dead inside

While the news media may report on a story, sometimes they miss the actual story in their own reports.

Today’s case: People who receive botox injections famously have difficulty moving their faces or expressing emotion after treatment. But, according to a new study, the recipients may also experience difficulty feeling emotions as well.

The test subjects reported “less emotional response to some emotional video clips, and as a result, did not feel their emotions quite as deeply as their counterparts who received treatment with a wrinkle filler called Restylane.” Oh, my!

The Nugget:
“That said, those who received Botox reacted to the same to video clips after their injection as they did before they received the injections.” [Emphasis ours.]

So, despite this admission in the article itself, it still maintained a “botox may kill emotions” standpoint when the results were no different before and after injections. The real story here isn’t that botox kill emotions, but that people who get botox treatments may be emotionally shallow or even dead inside already.

We’ve wasted our lives

If there’s one thing The Guys prize about ourselves, it’s our giant, throbbing brains. We’ve spent the past several years training hard, working both lobes evenly and drinking to prune the weaker brain cells to become thought-mongering mentalists.

And it appears that it was all for naught.

According to a study launched by the BBC, brain training games–like those for the Nintendo DS–do not actually improve brain function … unless that function is to play brain training games better. Otherwise:

  • Our math still sucks.
  • Our cold fusion machine still only makes espresso.
  • And, we’ve yet to solve a single case in our Batmen Detective agency.

What’s next, BBC? Are you going to tell us that we’ll never beat Olympic records using Wii Fit? Because that’s real athletic training … with practically weightless controllers … on a balance board like what most decathletes use … sonnova

Overly friendly people are messed up in the head, but not racist

People with Williams Syndrome lack 26 genes found in a typical human genome. As a result they are inordinately friendly, and experience no social anxiety. Now a new study reveals that they may also be free of racial bias.

PRAM-II consists of a picture book where every page includes a pair of people of different genders or skin types. The researcher tells a selection of stories to accompany the images and the children have to point to the person whom they think the story is about. As they hear positive or negative adjectives, they reveal any underlying racial bias if they point to light-skinned or dark-skinned people, or men or women, more frequently.

The typical children showed a strong tendency to view light-skinned people well and dark-skinned people poorly. Out of their responses, 83% were consistent with a pro-white bias. In contrast, the children with Williams syndrome only showed such responses 64% of the time, which wasn’t significantly different from chance.

So it would seem that removing social fear from the human emotional range might also cut down on racism. Though it’s worth noting that it wouldn’t help with sexism, since Williams Syndrome kids scored close to typical kids when it came to gender bias. But there are also problems with the PRAM test, which limits children to choosing either white people or people of color – there is no option to choose both, or “either one.”

Still, we’re left with further evidence that racial bias and racism are connected to social fear. Now all we need to do is sit back and wait for the studies that show whether taking meth helps eradicate racial bias too.

Also, I’d like to point out to everyone that link underneath the headline sounds like a horribly hilarious scientific story.

Using new nickname is a ‘supertask’

If you’re reading this page on your phone while driving, you may want to look up for a second because a playground just merged into your lane.

According to a study at the University of Utah, only 2.5 percent of people can sufficiently do two things at once, like curl their hair and burp a baby.

If you’re not one of these 2.5 percent and attempt to drive and talk on the phone, then you’re an idiot. If you are one of these 2.5 percent, then you’re a “supertasker,” which makes you sound like an idiot.

In Other News:
New England drivers can breathe a sigh of relief. Rhode Island is finally getting its drivers off the road.