Study: Quarter of British men are pussies

And at least one American.
And at least one American.

It’s been a while since we were in high school, so the lessons from sex ed might be a little rusty. But we’re fairly certain that dudes don’t get periods. Not all British men understand that.

According to a new study, 26% of British men believe that side effects similar to what women experience with PMS. These men, who do not have lady reproductive systems, say they experience tiredness, cramps and moodiness. A whopping 58% of those guys’ female partners said they agreed with that assessment.

Folks, if I guy is tired, has cramps and seems really irritable, he’s not man-ragging, he’s hung over.

Study: You people are gross

If you use someone else’s shower, you may want to bring your own bleach.

According to a recent study, 61% of Americans say they pee in the shower. Yes, most people think it’s acceptable to relieve themselves in the same place that they and others clean their bodies. Folks, it’s undeniable that there’s a convenience factor in emptying the tank in the shower, but the ability to control our bladders and not just go where we’re not supposed to is what separates us from wild beasts.

The survey also found that 41% pee in pools, which you may note, is also not a toilet, you animals.

British women smell, science says

Britain is know for being a charming little island where if you’re a 7 or higher, you’re knighted and put into whatever the U.K. version of Hollywood is. (It’s probably something like Hollywoodfordshire.) But thanks to one study, it’s also the island of unclean women.

According to a study by Flint + Flint, a skincare company that clearly has no vested interest in the outcome, a staggering four out of five women don’t shower daily. Nearly two-thirds of them are so gross they can’t even be bothered to take off their makeup at night. Just imagine what those pillowcases look like. The nastiest finding is that about a third of British women go for up to three days without taking a shower.

Not even an exotic accent can make that seem datable.

Science still trying to figure out Chuck Berry

Bruce Springsteen may make you think that he’s there for the working class man. Jon Bon Jovi may have you think that the man is an outlaw with a heart of gold. Jack White would you have believe that you can play any instrument as long as you try and stay funky. John Mayer wants to you to see him as a sexual object made for the pleasure of women around the world. Joan Jett needs you to believe in the power of women and rocking out! You know what all of these people don’t have you thinking?

That not being white is the bee’s knees.

At least, that’s what science is telling us now. According to a study coming from the University of Minnesota, rock music makes people racist, in regards to preference.

After listening to Bruce Springsteen and the White Stripes, the students handed most of the money to white people. ‘Rock music is generally associated with white Americans, so we believe it cues white listeners to think about their positive association with their own in-group,’ said Heather LaMarre, an assistant professor of journalism and mass communication at the University of Minnesota. That was enough for them to show more support for a student group representing mostly whites.’

The Roots and the spectre of Chuck Berry’s meter long king kong ding dong could not be available for questions.

The birds, bees, people that eat them

A new study from Ohio State University reveals that men gain weight after a divorce, while women gain weight after having accomplished all of their life goals except ruining yours.

Researchers were unable to pinpoint the root causes for the higher chance of weight gain in these two groups, but they attributed it to married women having “less time to exercise and stay fit than similar unmarried women.”

If we may, we can fill science in on what happens to divorced men: beer for breakfast and Hot Pockets. Also, lackluster masturbation. (Lacklusturbation?)

Texting: the new, new gateway

Parents, if you thought your work was over: think again.

We’ve locked down every gateway to teenage sex and drinking, whether that gateway was pot, rock and roll, Satanism, thong underwear, birth control, spanking, video games, prime time television, gay teachers, violent cartoons, Sudafed, aerosol cans, presidential “bee-jays,” cleavage on Sesame Street, soccer games with clear-cut winners, candy cigarettes, red ink, trans fats, method acting, driving with passengers, Catholicism, scrambled pornography, comic books, music videos, the rap music, Bratz dolls, Woodrow Wilson, The Catcher in the Rye and that hairy bush from High School Musical.

We found a new one for you to go after: texting.

Get panicking! Their next text could be the text that makes you a horrible mom or dad.

Alcohol: The elixir of youth

It may seem like we champion the health benefits of booze to the point of ignoring its effects on driving. Well, you know what’s (arguably) more dangerous than drunk driving? Elderly driving.

And that’s where booze wins again. According to a retrospective British study, which was most likely performed with room temperature beer, drinking reduces susceptibility to rheumatoid arthritis.

So, you wanna stay young, loose and safe? Drink.

The Real Story: Botox users already dead inside

While the news media may report on a story, sometimes they miss the actual story in their own reports.

Today’s case: People who receive botox injections famously have difficulty moving their faces or expressing emotion after treatment. But, according to a new study, the recipients may also experience difficulty feeling emotions as well.

The test subjects reported “less emotional response to some emotional video clips, and as a result, did not feel their emotions quite as deeply as their counterparts who received treatment with a wrinkle filler called Restylane.” Oh, my!

The Nugget:
“That said, those who received Botox reacted to the same to video clips after their injection as they did before they received the injections.” [Emphasis ours.]

So, despite this admission in the article itself, it still maintained a “botox may kill emotions” standpoint when the results were no different before and after injections. The real story here isn’t that botox kill emotions, but that people who get botox treatments may be emotionally shallow or even dead inside already.

We’ve wasted our lives

If there’s one thing The Guys prize about ourselves, it’s our giant, throbbing brains. We’ve spent the past several years training hard, working both lobes evenly and drinking to prune the weaker brain cells to become thought-mongering mentalists.

And it appears that it was all for naught.

According to a study launched by the BBC, brain training games–like those for the Nintendo DS–do not actually improve brain function … unless that function is to play brain training games better. Otherwise:

  • Our math still sucks.
  • Our cold fusion machine still only makes espresso.
  • And, we’ve yet to solve a single case in our Batmen Detective agency.

What’s next, BBC? Are you going to tell us that we’ll never beat Olympic records using Wii Fit? Because that’s real athletic training … with practically weightless controllers … on a balance board like what most decathletes use … sonnova