Tag: submarine

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Latitude Zero’

The movie reviews are back, and, oh, look what month it is. That’s right-we’re looking at March, which almost always results in taking a glance at the worst movies ever made. Coincidentally enough, my Dad and I tend to look out for each other in this regard-we’ll send each other a heads up on movies that are just horrible, or we’ll even just send each other the dvd’s themselves. One day, I received Latitude Zero in the mail from Pops.

Latitude Zero is not a good movie.

Latitude Zero is not even an enjoyable good movie. Thanks a lot, Dad. Jerk. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Latitude Zero’

A wish is a submarine dream our hearts make

Let us answer today’s Headline of the Day: um, yeah!

Even it isn’t a real submarine–more of a catamaran with a submerged cockpit–it’ll still be our first step to finally hunting down (and eating) the Loch Ness Monster.

But what about those screendoors?

As we’ve reported before, submarines are a relatively new technology that the U.S. Navy’s still perfecting 100 years later. Just last February, it dawned on our fairer military branch that women are a natural fit–both literally and olfactorally–in subs.

Now they’re starting to wonder if smoking in a submerged sub is a really good idea.

Due to health concerns about second-hand smoke in an enclosed space with recycled air, the Navy’s finally rectifying this with an order, effective December 31, 2010.

So, to sum this decision up: it’s important, should have been instituted years ago and can wait until next year’s Resolutions.

Lady sailors make perfect seamen

It’s hard to believe, but the U.S. Navy’s been using submarines for over 100 years, and they just now thought to put women in them.

It took this long because some people have always thought that it’s not a good idea, especially because of “hot bunking,” where sailors sleep in the same bed in shifts to save space and because the subs have to be manned 24 hours, anyway.

But, this is a prime example of why submarines need women: the “hot” bunks will smell better. It’s either station women on subs or stock the showers with Herbal Essences.

And not just the bunks, either, because we’re also talking about recycled air here. Everyone knows women don’t fart, and their poops are modest and have no more odor than freshly baked crescent rolls. They sweat less and, if folded correctly, take up less space than an Ab-Lounger, which is important in a sub’s cramped insides.

(Speaking of conditions women handle better than men: cramped insides.)

Basically, women make the perfect seamen, especially underwater.

It takes balls to get to bottom of Loch Ness

Actual illustration of the crime scene from local authorities.Loch Ness, fabled home to Nessie, an alleged prehistoric monster that occasionally reveals herself to drunk Scotsmen, is home to an historic find: balls. Lots and lots of balls.

No, we don’t mean that she, Nessie, is actually a he, but that we may not be able to find her because locals having been using the Loch for years as a driving range. Thousands of golf balls litter the floor as far out as 300 yards from the beach.

After a constant bombardment of golf balls, and a lake of recent sightings, SeriouslyGuys has the balls evidence to officially declare Nessie dead. Good going, Scots. Maybe you can start hunting down Bigfoots (Bigfeet?).

It’s either that or, if the submarine expeditions can find something as small as golf balls, could it be that the giant dinosaur doesn’t exist?

The problem with subs

If there’s one thing the U.S. can’t abide, it’s being showed up by their European counterparts. After a U.S. and Russian satellite collision, Olde Wyrlde rivals, the British and the French, kicked it old school and collided a couple of submarines.

If there’s one thing this country persists in, it’s our Navy! (Official motto: “200 years of tradition, unimpeded by progress!”) Americans won’t just sit back and let our backwards cousins to the East relive the technological adventures of the 19th century alone. We’ve followed up with not just a sub collision, but a sub colliding into a state-of-the-art amphibious troop carrier!

…

OK, so maybe these sub collisions aren’t intentional. If so, then maybe it’s time to make them a little less stealth? For the safety of sailors everywhere?