You Missed It: Fat pants edition

Pictured: The Quizno's diet.
Pictured: The Quizno’s diet.

Despite the thousands of songs trying to convince me otherwise, I’m pretty glad I don’t live in California. The state is constantly under threat of wildfires, earthquakes, smog, and now there’s a huge drought. Years of little rain has put California in a water emergency, and Tom Selleck got shamed for stealing water from a fire hydrant. Best of all, a P.I. was the one who caught him. If you were busy winning the World Cup this week, odds are you missed it.

Subway apparently grosser than we thought
This week, Subway put its relationship with longtime spokesman Jared Fogle on hold after police searched his home in relation to the former head of his nonprofit was arrest on child pornography charges. In addition, Fogle was cut out of the upcoming¬†Sharknado 3. Worst of all, the NCAA has vacated all of Subway’s wins going back to 1999.

Ariana Grande likes frosting, hates U.S.
A video surfaced this week of singer Ariana Grande licking doughnuts she didn’t pay for at a doughnut shop. She then turns to a dancer she’s hanging out with and says “I hate America.” Grande apologized for her actions this week, but it’s too soon to know if people have forgiven her. To most Americans, if you mock their doughnuts and say you hate their country, you might as well have joined ISIS.

Voters like guy from that show
Despite losing deals with NBC, Univision, the PGA and Chef Jose Andres for derogatory comments made about Mexicans, Donald Trump’s polling numbers are surging among Republicans early in the primary season. People seem to be surprised by this, and I don’t understand why. A rich, loud, old white man spouting off whatever unfounded biases come into his mind is the symbol of the Republican party. The only way his supporters will turn on him is if he says he doesn’t like hot dogs as his pizza crust.

At least he doesn’t obfuscate his feelings

Comment cards? No. Speaking to a manager? Nuh-uh. Taking an online survey? Nope. Yelp reviews? As if.

No, truly the most effective way to voice your displeasure with a company is dumping pounds (as in plural) of nails down the toilets of their local stores and then flushing the toilet. Surprisingly enough, the effect is not at all like a lit cherry bomb being flushed down a toilet.

People in Minneapolis, I know it’s cold, but yeesh, you don’t have to act that cold.

Crappy man takes crappy item deposit unit from crappy food restaurant

In Florida, a man ran off with a toilet from a Subway. Wait, what do you mean “it was in Seattle, not Florida?” Seattle’s, like, the hippy capital of the northwest. They don’t steal. Okay, fine.

Correction: a man in Seattle ran off with a toilet from a Subway.

Entering the bathroom before actually getting his food, the man sat in the restroom while his family placed their orders. After waiting for him and knocking on the door, the family left him in the lavatory. Ugh. It skeeves me out just to write that. A public bathroom.

Following that, the man dashes out of the bathroom and the restaurant, toilet tank and bathroom keys in tow. He’s still at large.

If you any ‘for-pay’ bathrooms springing up in the Seattle area, please contact police.

The McBournie Minute: The end of rail drinks

A decades-old American tradition came to an end last week, and if you’re of my generation, you may have never heard of its existence in the first place. The American last bar car on a commuter train made its final stop. From now on, if you’re riding the rails, you’re doing it sober, bub.

At the end of World War II, American soldiers were coming home, and a good many of them took trains. Luckily, trains all had bars on them back then, and if a returning war hero wanted to get crocked, who was to argue? These former servicemen carried on the tradition of drinking on trains as they went home from work, though probably it was just to maintain the buzz they’d had going since noon.

But now it’s all over. It’s a tragedy for the entire nation. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: The end of rail drinks

You Missed It: Work in progress edition

Friday night hasn't even happened in the U.S. yet. Trippy.
Friday night hasn’t even happened in the U.S. yet. Trippy.

There were some big announcements from major companies this week. First, CVS announced that it will stop selling tobacco products later this year, then, Subway said it will stop making bread that has an ingredient in yoga mats. I don’t buy my cigars from CVS, so I don’t really care about that, but Subway’s announcement upsets me because I love the taste of a yoga mat. I can’t buy one myself because I’m a dude. But Subway’s flatbreads, which were even rolled up resemble a yoga mat, were my only outlet. If you were busy quitting The Tonight Show for the second time this week, odds are you missed it.

Russia is ready
In recent weeks, Winter Olympics host Russia has come under fire for not preparing Sochi for the games. Pictures have fired around the internet about bad water in hotels, incomplete construction everywhere, and friendly stray dogs roaming freely about the city. But Russia impressed the world today with the opening ceremony, which climaxed with all of the stray dogs being rounded up, brought into the arena and eaten, one by one, by a bear.

Permanent sealegs
This week, Salvadoran national Jose Alvarenga was discovered in the Marshall Islands after being adrift in the Pacific Ocean for 13 months. He ate fish and shark meat, and drank turtle blood. Friends have verified his story, and confirmed that he was once a trained guerrilla in El Salvador who was laying low after angering a drug cartel. Alvarenga said he is looking forward to getting back to doing ads for Dos Equis.

Yo, Joe!
The G.I. Joe doll (he’s not an action figure, those do things) turned 50 on Thursday. He’s seen action in every war sin Korea, fought against Cobra, and married Barbie countless times. Joe plans to retire once the VA gets around to processing his medical claims.

It’s the classic five dollar David v. Goliath story

Five!
Five dollar!
Five dollar –GAH, EXCUSE ME WHILE I STAB MYSELF IN THE BRAIN.

Many people share that same sentiment as I, but ultimately to no avail. Subway has become a perpetual monster of the sandwich shop (but not ye olde sandwitch shoppe), even going so far as to state that the term “footlong” is exclusive to Subway and Subway alone (trademark pending). Major emphasis should be on the trademark pending portion, but nonetheless, that’s not stopped Subway from sending C&D’s to companies over their usage of the term.

But perhaps that may not continue. Casey’s General Stores of Ankeny, Iowa, a regional convenience store chain with around 1600 locations, has decided to not be bullied into submission.

Casey’s is asking for a jury trial and is seeking a declaration that the term “footlong” is generic and does not violate any trademark owned by Subway. Casey’s is also asking for unspecified damages over Subway’s “frivolous” claims.

We for one wouldn’t be against cheering for the little guy, though mainly because our Subway in college was too far away to get free cookies from late at night.

Five. Five dollar. Five dollar trademark.

When you hear “footlong,” does a Subway sandwich immediately come to mind? The company hopes so: They’re taking measures to trademark the term for their twelve-inch sandwiches, but being met with some strong resistance.

Subway is taking an aggressive approach, sending cease-and-desist letters to mom-and-pop restaurants, including some that have been using “footlong” in their marketing for decades. For example, Coney Island Drive Inn in Brookfield, FL, has been selling footlong hot dogs for forty years, even using the term in its web address. Subway’s legal department recently sent them a strongly worded letter:

“You must immediately remove all references to FOOTLONG ™ in association with sandwiches.”

From a legal standpoint, the question is this: Can “footlong” be considered a trademarkable term? Food purveyors who have for years used “footlong” as a descriptor are stepping up to say that it’s too generic; Subway, however, argues that their relentless use of the term in advertising has given it, essentially, a second meaning.

Of course, to get around this, other companies may simply need to use a solution as simple as just utilizing a different parsing: “foot long,” rather than “footlong.” Another solution? Make 13″ sandwiches and call sandwiches by “competitors” small.

Ultimately, I think we all know that there’s one person on this planet who might need to contest this trademark: Ron Jeremy.

All the groping you can afford

Reportedly, one of the biggest pains is when you’re out late at night with friends in Japan and the rush to catch that last train at 1am begins. After that, you’re stranded until 6am with no trains running and most businesses shuttered. Sometimes you can find a bar that’ll be open to keep you occupied until you can find your way home, but you’ll be piss-drunk as a result. Which, honestly, we’re not exactly complaining about.

That’s the way things currently are in Japan, for better or worse.

But that not be the way things are in Japan in the future. The Tokyo government is considering running the Toei Chikatetsu 24 hours a day, due to the increasing number of flights coming into Haneda airport in Tokyo at all hours of the night. It’s a much more attractive option than a $60 cab ride in or something of that nature.

This would certainly change some of the cityscape of Tokyo. In the largest city of a country with 200% of its GDP in debt, they could use the jobs that this change could create. Of course, Japan is notorious for true stories urban legends of women being repeatedly groped by men left and right and left and right and other directions that you didn’t know exist. Will a 24 hour train make this situation worse? We’ll have to watch for the filed police reports to judge that.

Diarrhea no substitute for bulimea

Taco Bell–which was represented by a chihuahua in their ads until she was ground into chalupas–has unveiled their new campaign: dieting.

If the past decade has been categorized by gritty, violent remakes of crap from the ’90s, then consider this the s#%tty remake of Jared’s Subway diet. TB claims that a woman lost 50 pounds by ordering from their “Fresco” menu daily, keeping her caloric intake below 1300.

Oh, there are so many jokes here …. Let’s just post them in a list:

  • The Fresco menu? You’d lose weight if you ate paintings of food, too.
  • It wasn’t the Taco Bell that was low calorie, but the Tic-Tacs she ate for the rest of the day.
  • In the burrito’s defense, it doesn’t stay in your system long enough to pack on the pounds.
  • Before Taco Bell, this woman never ate lettuce.
  • The Taco Bell diet encourages you to exercise more so that dates can focus on your six-pack abs, even when you smell like you s#%t your pants.
  • We always go for a run after a Gordito … to the bathroom.
  • C’mon, have you ever seen a fat Mexican?
  • We can’t tell you Taco Bell’s secret blend of 11 herbs and spices; however, we can tell you that one of those spices is not not tape worm eggs.
  • Why would this woman lie about the dietary benefits of a multimillion dollar international chain of restaurants?

Look, we’re not saying it’s impossible to lose weight by eating Taco Bell. We’re just saying that you might lose even more by not doing so.

Next thing you know, they’ll want separate offices

If you’re a man of the male persuation and you take a train of some sort to work everyday, you know how it is. You get one the train, see women, and have to fondle them. I get it, I’m the same way myself. The good news is that we’re not alone, guys.

Japan has the same problem–only women there don’t enjoy it like the women here in the U.S. do. It’s so much of a problem for them that they are thinking about separating train cars by gender, so only the women can fondle each other–and YOU can’t enjoy your commute.

Chicks. Amiright?