Don’t kill yourself planning this year’s vacation

It was a close call, but we almost lost the world’s premier euthadestination: Switzerland.

The Swiss conservative Federal Democratic Union party and Christian groups lost a referendum vote to end assisted suicide for foreign visitors. 80 percent of Swiss voters depend on the FDU-dubbed “suicide tourism” industry, which is the neutral nation’s only means of competition with other European hotspots like Amsterdam’s marijuana and sex tourism and France’s “go ahead and take Paris, we weren’t really using it anyway” tourism.

So, when you think you can’t take your spouse, kids and job anymore, think Switzerland.

More fruit! More fruit!

You know how everyone’s supposed to eat five servings of fruit a day? If you didn’t, that’s OK, because you’re supposed to eat eight servings now.

According to a new study in Europe, people who eat eight servings of fruit a day have a 22 percent lower risk of dying from heart disease than those slackers who only eat three. The study did not state whether they died of pineapple-related injuries instead.

But, seriously, eight servings? At some point, heart disease might be welcome.

Oh, and in other medical news: your cyst might be making your surgeon suicidal. Maybe you should just wear longer sleeves, you selfish jerk.

Spoilers: space is full of death

Remember, in space, no one can hear an emo planet cut itself.

A planet ten times the size of Jupiter is orbiting so close to its parent star, that it orbits in less than a single Earth day. It has one million years until one of the tidal plasma bulges its gravity is excreting on its parent star catch up with it, and then … KAPLOOIE!

So, why is this news? Because, technically, the planet is our galactic neighbor.

So, why isn’t this news? Cue on the word “technically.” By that, I mean that the planet is 325 light years away from Earth.

You know they can’t try a corpse, right?

George Zinkhan, a business professor at the University of Georgia, was found dead from, according to authorities, a self-inflicted gunshot to the head. He committed suicide after killing his wife and two of her theater buddies.

Wait, that’s not very funny. If you’re laughing already, you’re not reading this right and might be sick. (Not that we’d judge you.)

The funny part was that Zinkhan dug his own grave first, covered it with brush and branches and then shot himself. Why? So it would be more difficult for police to find his body.

If you’re planning to kill yourself, here’s some handy advice:

  1. If you’re killing yourself, does it really matter if you’re found? This isn’t the Middle Ages. Nobody’s going to put your corpse on trial, have somebody sit behind you and do your voice and execute your body once found guilty (true story).
  2. Always use the buddy system. If you must hide your body, have a buddy cover your grave with dirt or cement … really, anything that will prevent Corey Feldman from poking you with a stick.

Kill your family (before they kill yourself)

Is your family around?

Don’t answer out loud! Blink once for, “No,” and twice for, “You can’t read my thoughts through the Internet.”

OK, good. Did you know that suicide might run in families? After yesterday’s news of Sylvia Plath’s son’s suicide, the experts are starting to believe this is the case.

The problem is that you don’t know when a relative might kill themselves … just to kill you. You didn’t think about that, did you?

Why, even now, your mother might be driving her car off of a cliff, just so you’ll hang yourself in the coat closet later. (Instead of leaving yourself on the floor. Seriously, at least use the hamper; that’s what it’s for.)

The Guys aren’t saying that killing your family is the only way to prevent your possible suicide … but we’re not saying your family won’t kill themselves to kill yourself, either.

For more information, consult our handy guide, “How To: Kill your parents.”

Tastes like blade-y

A 23-year-old Beijing game addict was rushed to a hospital after swallowing five pieces of saw blades in an attempt to commit suicide. Just great.

The man “kept talking incoherently about how to win his favorite computer games, even after being sent to a Beijing hospital ICU” on Sunday.

According to the report the man has been addicted to computer games since early in junior high school, but his condition worsened recently.

It does make you wonder a little if there is something about the culture or politics of China, Japan, Korea or any other Asian countries that seems to make people more predisposed to game addiction there, or at least makes the results more extreme.

It could be an issue of the media in China writing more about the issue because it’s become very high profile recently. It could be a case of people leading unfulfilled lives. It could just be a case of China cracking down on porn. Who knows?

Pro-tip: Swallowing saw blades is not a secret Game Genie technique.

Protip: Threatening suicide can get you arrested

Especially if you’re only rocking a Vorpal Blade of +5 constitution.

A teenager in Middletown, Ohio, learned that threatening to commit suicide while in a chat during a session of World of Warcraft can get you arrested. While talking with a Blizzard rep in-game, he made a phony threat, to which the rep quickly phoned in the faux call for help to police. The unnamed teen was promptly arrested on misdemeanor charges.

He was quoted as claiming, “The game is the only thing [I have] to live for.”

Seriously, WoW players? You make it far easier than I’d ever believe most of the time.

Let’s not take any chances now

Evidentally, if one kid jumps off of a bridge, others will, too.

That’s the fear of residents in West Akon, Ohio since 1981. They have pushed the city council ever since to build a chainlink fence on the sides of the bridge ever since.

The chainlink fence, also known to area children as “the impentrable, unscalable wall that blocks access to all things awesome,” would have been built sooner, but was considered too expensive. However, this endless game of sporadic lemmings will draw to an end soon: they’re finally going to do it.

Unfortunately, their plan was for naught:

“Andrea Denton, with the Summit County Suicide Prevention Coalition, supports fencing for the bridge, but voiced concern about publicizing the issue.

“‘Our goal is preventing suicides,’ she said. ‘Often it is a momentary, impulsive decision to jump. That’s why it makes me nervous doing anything about the bridge. This could give some people an idea.'”

A Day in the Life of a 911 Operator

No matter how exciting of a job we have, eventually it becomes mundane. There’s nothing unconscionable about becoming desensitized to, say, emergency savings withdrawals or organizing a staff potluck. But we still feel bad because that’s what we’re paid to do (read: supposed to care about).

So can you imagine how a 911 operator must feel when the honeymoon’s over? One in Memphis actually fell asleep during a robbery call. In the interest of giving the benefit of doubt, we present: A Day in the Life of a 911 Operator. Continue reading A Day in the Life of a 911 Operator