You Missed It: End of 2017 edition

There’s no other way to get through this.

Remember when it was a running joke that 2016 was the worst year ever? That was a great year compared to 2017. “Oh no, some famous people died, 2016 sucks!” It’s like 2017 heard our complaining and decided to show us what a bad year really looks like. The good news is that there’s no reason 2018 won’t be even worse. So this right now is as good as it gets. This year we were all a distracted boyfriend. We thought fidget spinners were the best and worst thing ever at the same time. We gave out the wrong Oscar for best picture. We all looked at the eclipse with special glasses — except for one guy. We punched Nazis. We ended the careers of creepy men. We debated the meaning of “covfefe.” It was the year of the clown, from Donald Trump to the remake of It. There were huge fires and massive hurricanes. There were threats of nuclear war. Let’s double-tap this awful year with a final look back. Fill up your glass and take a deep breath.

January

Going for gold
Days before the inauguration, CNN and BuzzFeed reported that President Barack Obama and President-elect Donald Trump had been briefed on a series of unverified memos from a former British spy claiming that the Russians were trying to get dirt on Trump to use as leverage against him. One of the leaked documents said Russian spies had recorded Trump getting a golden shower from some prostitutes while in Moscow. Of course Trump likes golden showers. Have you seen his mansions? Golden everything!

Gone to that big theme park in the sky
SeaWorld held its final killer whale show, marking the end of an era. The final show came just couple days after Tillikum, the killer whale in Blackfish, had died. We didn’t realize how serious SeaWorld was about retiring those whales.

Going off the path
The Trump administration banned huge swaths of the federal government from sharing scientific data. This lead to the Badlands National Park’s Twitter account to go rogue, tweeting out scientific facts that support that climate change is real and humans are the leading cause of it. We should have known that the rebellion would start with those rugged, high-socked trail guides who know how to live off the land.

February

Trump vs. Australia
President Donald Trump and Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull had a phone conversation, and it did not go well. At one point, Trump criticized a refugee agreement between the U.S. and Australia, and eventually he hung up on Malcolm. Sen. John McCain called Australia Ambassador Joe Hockey (who should really be the Canadian ambassador) to smooth things over between the two countries. It was the good-cop-bad-cop routine has ever been used in international diplomacy, this should be interesting.

Phones can start wars
Kids are always texting and tweeting on the cell phones, right? No one thinks that it’s a bigger problem than Pope Francis. During an address to some students, His Holiness advised the kids to put their phones down at the dinner table and have a real, face-to-face conversation with adults, or else it’s “the start of war if there is no dialogue.” However, the students were too busy plotting their war against adults via text message.

New level of s*&^$y performance
A band made headlines after a failed enema stunt on stage got them banned from a venue in Houston. According to the bar owner, Sonic Rabbit Hole performed on stage, and then one band member gave another member an enema, and the bag burst. And that, Mr. President, is why we need to support the arts.

March

Russia still way better than U.S. in coverups
FBI Director James Comey took the unusual step of confirming that his agency is investigating President Donald Trump’s campaign team and the Russians, and the list of campaign officials who met with the Russians continued to grow. White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer denied that there was any wrongdoing, saying that Boris Badenov and Natasha Fatale were just family friends.

Police get a win for Brady
Authorities announced that they found the stolen Super Bowl jersey of Tom Brady, the greatest quarterback ever to play the game, as well as his missing jersey from his Super Bowl victory two years earlier. The jerseys were reportedly stolen by a journalist and taken to Mexico, where they were later found. The Breitbart version of that story: Mexico sent its dishonest media to steal a hardworking white American’s shirt off his back.

Not to mention that candlestick was oozing sex
The live-action Beauty and the Beast opened in theaters to rave reviews of women who remember the 90s. The movie faced a boycott from conservative Christian mothers who didn’t like that there was a gay character in the movie. They said that a kid’s movie about Stockholm syndrome and a bunch of enchanted household objects trying to get their buffalo-man boss laid is one thing, but a gay person is going too far.

April

White girl solves racism
Pepsi released an ad that featured noted young rich person Kendall Jenner joining a crowd of protesters holding signs reading “Join the Conversation!” and giving a police officer a can of Pepsi. The ad was criticized for trivializing the Black Lives Matter movement to sell sugar water. Executives were shocked that a crowd of diverse stereotypes, music, and a message so general that it’s meaningless didn’t work. After all, it worked for Coke 46 years ago.

For those who only look like they work hard
This decade, whatever we end up calling it, probably isn’t going to be known for its fashion. A week after those clear-legged jeans hit the market, Nordstrom answered back with jeans that already look muddy. For just $425, you can dress like the day laborers you pay less than minimum wage.

It’s never OK to joke about suicide
Netflix faced criticism over its show 13 Reasons Why and its depiction of suicide. Critics said that the sensitive topic should have been handled more responsibly, and that it’s way too early to be profiting off of the Aaron Hernandez story.

May

You’ve got worms
The WannaCry worm infected computers around the world. Called ransomware, the worm held the hard drives of infected Windows computers for ransom, demanding payment in Bitcoin. It struck hundreds of thousands of computers in 150 countries, and led to hundreds of thousands of wives questioning what websites their husbands visit when they’re not home.

Trump creates job opening
President Donald Trump fired FBI Director James Comey over his investigation of connections between Trump campaign officials and Russian agents and hacking the Democratic National Committee’s emails in 2016. It was a decision that would in no way come back to haunt him.

Sleeping Tiger
Police in Florida arrested Tiger Woods after he was found sleeping at the wheel of his car which was on the side of the road. Reports indicate that alcohol was not involved, but rather his incoherent state was the result of a reaction to his prescription medication. Floridians were outraged that Woods was arrested, arguing that every driver in Florida is messed up on drugs.

June

‘Transformers: The Ides of March’
Transformers: The Fifth Film in the Series hit theaters. Critics answered with a resounding, “Why does this exist?” but the real news was that spin-off movies are planned. Executives are reportedly considering prequel films involving the Transformers in ancient Rome. This would be great, because who doesn’t want to watch a movie about robots wearing togas that transform into chariots?

The Sessions session
Attorney General Jeff Sessions visited his old friends in the Senate this week to testify under oath. Sessions claimed a faulty memory throughout much of the questioning about ties to Russia, and said he thought he was going to talk about his favorite monuments being torn down.

The sexual assault trial of actor Bill Cosby was declared a mistrial after the jury remained deadlocked on reaching a verdict. Cosby’s lawyer cheered the news, and assured his client that American society will be far more tolerant to sexual assault allegations in the months ahead.

July

Spice put on ice
Sean Spicer stepped down from his post as White House press secretary. He at first denied the reports as fake news from the dishonest liberal media, but then looked down at his notes and learned that he had apparently resigned.

Man who didn’t murder two people granted parole
O.J. Simpson was granted parole this week after serving nine years in prison for an armed heist to steal back some of his memorabilia that had been sold. Simpson told the judge he plans to search for the real armed robber.

Tardigrades will outlive us all
A study was published suggesting that tardigrades, microscopic animals that can’t really be burned, frozen or anything else, are the most likely form of life to survive a cataclysmic event on Earth. Considering how things are going, they can have it.

August

Age of retirement in U.K. is 96
It was announced that Prince Phillip would retire from making public appearances, citing ill health and the fact that he is 96 years old. Mr. The Queen also said he’s tired of Buckingham Palace staff thinking he’s a ghost.

Veterans, not veterinarians
Congress can’t even help puppies. A bill was introduced in July to defund the Department of Veterans’ Affairs from testing stuff like meth on dogs, and giving dogs heart attacks. The bill enjoyed bipartisan support in August, and promptly died after no vote was taken on it in committee.

The citronella soldiers
A bunch of Civil War cosplayers and white power enthusiasts stepped away from Twitter for a day so that they could rally in support of free speech in Charlottesville, Virginia. The idiots grabbed tiki torches and no doubt intimidated local mosquitoes as planned.

September

Is this not a test?
TV viewers in California were shocked when emergency alerts flashed on their screens with incoherent messages. One message was a panicked voice talking about the government working with extraterrestrials, and the other proclaimed that violent times were ahead. It turned out that both were recordings of crazy people calling in to radio shows years earlier. Man, I hate sweeps week gimmicks.

From Russia with likes
It was uncovered that Russian-funded ads on Facebook spread pro-Trump propaganda and even organized Trump rallies while appearing to be grassroots movements. President Donald Trump responded in his typical, even-keeled way, saying that the Facebook ad controversy was fake news. So the news about the fake news on the site plagued continually by fake news is fake news. Get it straight.

Blood feud
A disturbing video of police officers in Utah violently arresting a nurse went viral. The arrest resulted after the nurse refused to draw blood from an unconscious subject without consent or warrant. Police officers countered that she got what she deserved because they had asked her, “Pretty please,” even adding, “with sugar on top.”

October

The final away message
AOL announced that it was shutting down its instant messenger service once and for all. Your parents were reportedly very upset by the announcement.

The woke yogurt
Yogurt company Oikos dropped Carolina Panthers quarterback Cam Newton from its ad campaign after he made sexist remarks about a woman asking him questions during a news conference. To show how sorry he was, and how mature he has become from this learning experience, in an apology video he promised to never laugh when a female reporter says “route,” “balls,” or “slot.”

Fame monster fired
Media mogul Harvey Weinstein was fired from The Weinstein Company after numerous accusations of sexual harassment and sexual assault were brought to light. So let that be a lesson to all you men in power: don’t you dare defile a potted plant, or we’ll eventually get around to being outraged.

November

Never become the story
Today Show host Matt Lauer and radio yarn spinner Garrison Keillor were fired from there jobs amid allegations of inappropriate sexual behavior. One report against Lauer, and this is true, is that he gave a female employee a sex toy and wrote her a note about what he wanted to do with it. Meanwhile, female staffers reported numerous unwanted invitations to skinny dip with Keillor in Lake Woebegone.

Something happened in Delaware
Parts of the Mid-Atlantic were rocked when a magnitude 4.1 earthquake struck near Dover, Delaware. President Donald Trump said he hopes for a speedy recovery from the natural disaster, adding that the nation of Delaware brought this on itself.

Get out of jail free
President Donald Trump took credit for getting three UCLA basketball players out of a Chinese jail after they were arrested on suspicion of shoplifting. He then complained that the basketball players should have shown him more gratitude for their freedom. This was actually a news story this year.

December

Worst airport ever
Thousands of people’s days were ruined when Atlanta’s Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport lost power for roughly 11 hours. The outage caused a massive travel snarl at the busiest airport in the U.S. The good news is that no one had to rush for their connecting flight.

Feel fancier than you are
Miller High Life has called itself “the champagne of beers,” probably hoping that most people have never had champagne. But this year, the discerning macro beer snob will be able to enjoy High Life in a champagne bottle. So if you’re hosting a New Year’s party, here a great prank to play at midnight.

Time grows short
According to the National Center for Health Statistics, the life expectancy for the U.S. dropped for the second year in a row. So after all this, there’s something to look forward to.

Sun’s out, guns out

Going goth may just save your life.
Going goth may just save your life.

If you’ve ever wondered why repeated listenings to Johnny Nash’s “I Can See Clearly Now” have driven you to suicidal thoughts (Just me? OK.), statistics may now know why.

According to a new study published in JAMA Psychiatry and data collected by the CDC, there is “a positive association between the number of suicides on a particular day and the hours of sunshine,” meaning more people kill themselves on sunny days.

We’re also more likely to do it in the spring, while December has the fewest suicides of all months. So, take that Holiday Seasonal Affective Disorder and shove it to Easter. Which, when you think about it, is the more depressing holiday season between Mardi Gras STIs, Lent, crucifixions and rabbits that lay eggs.

Researchers aren’t sure why the sun drives us to offing ourselves, but one factor may be light itself. Increased light improves our drive to do things and decreases our serotonin transferrals, making us even more impulsive. So, if you’re depressed, stay indoors!

… Oh, you’re already walled up inside of your home with the windows taped shut? Good.

Chug your coffee right now, thank us later

Coffee is pretty awesome. It’s definitely not as awesome as booze, but it’s up there. And it goes great with water the morning of your hangover. Now it turns out that coffee just might keep you from killing yourself.

We already knew that coffee could keep you from dying of cancer, but now researchers at Harvard University found in a study that adults who drank two to four cups of caffeinated coffee per day were 50% less likely to commit suicide than their friends who don’t drink coffee (the preachy ones), drink fewer than two cups per day (the lightweights) or drank decaffeinated coffee (the quitters).

Don’t kill yourself planning this year’s vacation

It was a close call, but we almost lost the world’s premier euthadestination: Switzerland.

The Swiss conservative Federal Democratic Union party and Christian groups lost a referendum vote to end assisted suicide for foreign visitors. 80 percent of Swiss voters depend on the FDU-dubbed “suicide tourism” industry, which is the neutral nation’s only means of competition with other European hotspots like Amsterdam’s marijuana and sex tourism and France’s “go ahead and take Paris, we weren’t really using it anyway” tourism.

So, when you think you can’t take your spouse, kids and job anymore, think Switzerland.

More fruit! More fruit!

You know how everyone’s supposed to eat five servings of fruit a day? If you didn’t, that’s OK, because you’re supposed to eat eight servings now.

According to a new study in Europe, people who eat eight servings of fruit a day have a 22 percent lower risk of dying from heart disease than those slackers who only eat three. The study did not state whether they died of pineapple-related injuries instead.

But, seriously, eight servings? At some point, heart disease might be welcome.

Oh, and in other medical news: your cyst might be making your surgeon suicidal. Maybe you should just wear longer sleeves, you selfish jerk.

Spoilers: space is full of death

Remember, in space, no one can hear an emo planet cut itself.

A planet ten times the size of Jupiter is orbiting so close to its parent star, that it orbits in less than a single Earth day. It has one million years until one of the tidal plasma bulges its gravity is excreting on its parent star catch up with it, and then … KAPLOOIE!

So, why is this news? Because, technically, the planet is our galactic neighbor.

So, why isn’t this news? Cue on the word “technically.” By that, I mean that the planet is 325 light years away from Earth.

You know they can’t try a corpse, right?

George Zinkhan, a business professor at the University of Georgia, was found dead from, according to authorities, a self-inflicted gunshot to the head. He committed suicide after killing his wife and two of her theater buddies.

Wait, that’s not very funny. If you’re laughing already, you’re not reading this right and might be sick. (Not that we’d judge you.)

The funny part was that Zinkhan dug his own grave first, covered it with brush and branches and then shot himself. Why? So it would be more difficult for police to find his body.

If you’re planning to kill yourself, here’s some handy advice:

  1. If you’re killing yourself, does it really matter if you’re found? This isn’t the Middle Ages. Nobody’s going to put your corpse on trial, have somebody sit behind you and do your voice and execute your body once found guilty (true story).
  2. Always use the buddy system. If you must hide your body, have a buddy cover your grave with dirt or cement … really, anything that will prevent Corey Feldman from poking you with a stick.

Kill your family (before they kill yourself)

Is your family around?

Don’t answer out loud! Blink once for, “No,” and twice for, “You can’t read my thoughts through the Internet.”

OK, good. Did you know that suicide might run in families? After yesterday’s news of Sylvia Plath’s son’s suicide, the experts are starting to believe this is the case.

The problem is that you don’t know when a relative might kill themselves … just to kill you. You didn’t think about that, did you?

Why, even now, your mother might be driving her car off of a cliff, just so you’ll hang yourself in the coat closet later. (Instead of leaving yourself on the floor. Seriously, at least use the hamper; that’s what it’s for.)

The Guys aren’t saying that killing your family is the only way to prevent your possible suicide … but we’re not saying your family won’t kill themselves to kill yourself, either.

For more information, consult our handy guide, “How To: Kill your parents.”

Tastes like blade-y

A 23-year-old Beijing game addict was rushed to a hospital after swallowing five pieces of saw blades in an attempt to commit suicide. Just great.

The man “kept talking incoherently about how to win his favorite computer games, even after being sent to a Beijing hospital ICU” on Sunday.

According to the report the man has been addicted to computer games since early in junior high school, but his condition worsened recently.

It does make you wonder a little if there is something about the culture or politics of China, Japan, Korea or any other Asian countries that seems to make people more predisposed to game addiction there, or at least makes the results more extreme.

It could be an issue of the media in China writing more about the issue because it’s become very high profile recently. It could be a case of people leading unfulfilled lives. It could just be a case of China cracking down on porn. Who knows?

Pro-tip: Swallowing saw blades is not a secret Game Genie technique.

Protip: Threatening suicide can get you arrested

Especially if you’re only rocking a Vorpal Blade of +5 constitution.

A teenager in Middletown, Ohio, learned that threatening to commit suicide while in a chat during a session of World of Warcraft can get you arrested. While talking with a Blizzard rep in-game, he made a phony threat, to which the rep quickly phoned in the faux call for help to police. The unnamed teen was promptly arrested on misdemeanor charges.

He was quoted as claiming, “The game is the only thing [I have] to live for.”

Seriously, WoW players? You make it far easier than I’d ever believe most of the time.