Tagged: summer olympics

| Filed under Facepalm, Picture of the Day

Dong-gonnit! Another career ruined by penis

Japan needs to reconsider vetting its Olympic team by game show.
Japan needs to reconsider vetting its Olympic team by game show.

All in all, having a penis is pretty great. It makes it easy to pee anywhere, gives us something to play with when our phone battery dies and guarantees our voices will be heard in any meeting or election.

But, privilege acknowledged, nobody considers the relatively few, but none-the-less devastating challenges of having a penis, the hurdles it can prevent us from clearing. And, in Japanese pole vaulter Hiroki Ogita’s case, we mean literal hurdles.

Ogita was knocked out of the first round of the Olympics pole vault competition in Rio when he nearly cleared a height of 5.3 meters (17.3 feet). Though his leg and shin made contact with the bar, it remained in place. No, it was his penis that pulled it — and his Olympic dreams — back to earth.

Pow! Right in the penis

Is there no career a penis can’t end? (We’re still holding out for Donald Trump’s orange dork — complete with oversized merkin — to definitively derail his train-wreck campaign.)

Penis.

| Filed under What a Reach!

Putin: #dopelivesmatter

In this case, the little guy is an extremely jacked, yet surprisingly lightweight pole vaulter.
In this case, the “little guy” is an extremely jacked, yet surprisingly lightweight pole vaulter.

Between invading and annexing other countries and launching cyber-attacks to rig our elections, you’d think Russian President Vladimir Putin would be too busy to make a stand for civil rights. And you’d be wrong, because — when the International Olympics Committee enforced their ban on nearly the entire Russian track and field team for systematically and flagrantly covering up performance enhancing drug use — Putin stood up for the little guy.

Putin called the IOC’s decision to ban everyone in the Russian track and field system from the 2016 Summer Games in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil “discrimination.”

‘We can’t accept indiscriminate disqualification of our athletes with an absolutely clean doping history,’ Putin said. ‘We cannot and will not accept what in fact is pure discrimination.’

Putin’s right: the Russian government worked hard to make sure that all of their athletes had a clean doping history. It’s not fair to those who followed his government’s rules of doping without getting caught that they should have to stay home with the f*ck-ups who got caught.

This is pure discrimination against good guys on drugs, who are the only ones who can catch up with and stop bad guys on drugs, thanks to the modern athletic field. Pharmaceutical-Russians (and Pharmaceutical-Americans for that matter) are people, people who were born to not be afraid of needles or consequences. We can’t punish them for their very nature to overcome nature.

#dopelivesmatter

| Filed under War on Animals

Brazil has a knife-wielding animal problem

Brazilians really need to secure their knives.
Brazilians really need to secure their knives.

There’s a hot new meme from Brazil that’s blazing its way across the internet. It’s either that or a growing worry that the animal uprising has taken a new form.

Brazil, the country hosting the Summer Olympics this year, is overrun with animals with knives. Authorities say a monkey helped himself to a glass of rum at a bar, then grabbed a knife and started chasing people around. Firefighters caught and disarmed the primate, because in Brazil, “fire” is a loose term. But sadly, the monkey was released, rather than being interrogated.

Elsewhere in Brazil, onlookers were threatened by a crab that also armed itself with a knife. When a crab has a knife in its claw, find yourself a gun.