Bug spray won’t cut it in Florida this year

If you live in Florida, you may want to consider moving before the summer comes. We’re sure it’s a very nice place and all that, but it’s about to get flat-out terrifying.

It’s no secret that Florida is one big swamp, and that mosquitoes love swamps, so naturally, the bugs are all over the state. But now, according to this headline, scientists are expecting a “Large, aggressive mosquito.” It’s likely going to be from the Psorophora ciliata species, which sounds like something you shouldn’t google at work.

The article is short on details, and we don’t want to speculate, but it probably means that the state will be terrorized by a single mutant mosquito, roughly the size of a house, and the demeanor of grizzly bear.

Of course, if you want to hunt this mega-mosquito, we’ll write songs about you when you bring us its head.

Does it feel a little Chile in here to you?

Everyone in the northern hemisphere is complaining about how cold it’s supposed to be up here because it’s winter. But, did you know that summer is just heating up below the equator? It’s true! (Also: their toilets flush backwards, and their mermaids have fish heads and lady legs.)

In an effort to stave off energy costs, the Chilean government has suggested that men not wear ties this summer. Aside from the friction caused from tying, re-tying and tying one until you get it right, they believe that this will cut power costs from air conditioning.

But, that’s not to say there isn’t some backlash. At least one Santiago resident is aghast that the president, government ministers, engineers,  doctors and journalists would go about their business without a tie.

“There are things that really go along with being formal and well-structured,” said Gonzalo Castro, adding, “What will they use to wipe our famous sea bass off with during business lunches?”

The McBournie Minute: No, I didn’t bring you any candy

Vacation is one of the few good things in the average life. At least one of the few things you can look forward to as you plan out.

When you’re a kid, every day is exciting. Bad days really aren’t so bad. A lot of the world is new to you, so you are excited any time you travel. The holidays are no exception. But as you get older events like the holidays became more of a hassle. Besides, everyone has them off.

One of the best parts about a vacation is that the whole time, if you choose to think about work, you can remind yourself that those other poor schmucks are still in the office while you’re laying out in the sun on the beach. But then when you get back, those same people have their hands out. “What did you bring me?” Continue reading The McBournie Minute: No, I didn’t bring you any candy

Weinermobile crashes into a garage, if you know what I mean

It’s summer time, that means hot dogs are everywhere, but mostly on grills. Unfortunately, it also means that the Oscar Meyer weinermobile is on the loose again, bringing with it a herd of sexual innuendos ripe for some snarky news humor blog out there, but we’re not that blog.

The weinermobile was lost in Racine, Wisconsin, trolling for someone to take it in, take it all in. No one wanted to play along. Finally, the hot dog car tried to turn around in a driveway and “accidentally” plowed into a garage that did not give its consent. The weiner ended up getting stuck.

Oh, and by the way, it was a woman driving.

The McBournie Minute: What a bunch of Croc

I am just back from a week-long vacation at the beach–I know you missed me, but let’s avoid the joyful reunion in the interest of saving us both some time.

At the beach, one can find many things, like seaweed, shells and overweight white people. One can look across the sand dunes and see and endless horizon of umbrellas, towels, chairs and even the occasional kite. Aside from the annoying gulls, screaming children, sand blowing in your face, radios on way too loud and Speedos, the beach can be a very relaxing place to spend one’s time. That is until a new threat emerged: Crocs. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: What a bunch of Croc

There’s some porn in my grill, dear Liza, dear Liza

You love your family. We know this, and it’s OK. We won’t make fun of you … too much.

We’ve seen what you’ve done to protect your family from the dangers of the world: installed a V-chip into all of the televisions, put multiple Net Nanny’s on the computer, searched under all of the mattresses and even behind the refrigerator for loose change and filthy magazines …

However, it’s the summer. That means one thing: grilling. Unfortunately, that little hibachi grill of yours just isn’t going to cut it anymore. So, you walk down to your local mega-mart store and buy yourself a new shiny grill. But, like the Death Bed, this innocent household item is multi-purpose. For, instead of picking up a regular grill, you have picked up Porn Grill: the grill that comes with porn!

Hypothetical situation … or real life?

If you answered the latter, then you are correct! This very act happened to a shocked couple in Florida. And at that wholesome Wal-Mart of all places! Zounds!

Yes, said shocked couple was shown the horrors of a foreign newspaper wrapped around the grills rack (which HAS to be a double entendre) containing pictures of naked women. Words of wisdom come from Lorene Kinslow, buyer of said filthy flesh charrer:

“I was furious. Something like this came to the United States. A family could’ve bought this. It wasn’t the fact that I don’t have my children living here with me but if a husband, a family and kids could’ve got a hold of that, that was just wrong, wrong.”

Translation: as long as it had been American porn, everything would have been hunkey-dorey.

‘This isn’t Vietnam … there are rules’

As part of our ongoing coverage of “Summer is here” — which will continue until mid-October — there’s an element we’ve forgotten: driving around.

For our high school and college readers, this is the time that you and your peers are bored and will drive around, pretending that going nowhere is “something.” For the adults, this means you’re going to a lot of stores with wedding and baby registries.

Without fail on any of these excursions, an argument will arise about the rules to calling Shotgun and Rock-Paper-Scissors (or Roshambo to non-South Park viewers). We’d normally use this as an excuse to write a How To, but someone has beaten us to it and done so throughly.

We suggest sending this link to that friend that calls Shotgun during the planning stages of your Warped Tour trip in August.

Fun Fact:
“The history of calling ‘Shotgun’ goes back to the days of covered wagons and the Wild West. On a trip across the plains, the driver of a wagon would hold the reins of his horse team and concentrate on driving. This left him and the occupants of his wagon susceptible to sneak attacks from bandits and thieves. To avoid this atrocious circumstance it became necessary for one person to sit next to the driver with a shotgun and fend off the enemy.”

What’s that saying about ‘any publicity?’

SeriouslyGuys -- because you can't drink cosmos on the job.As part of this summer’s blockbuster movie fest, Sex and the City promises to be a rollicking good time for the entire family. In fact, The Guys often pretend we’re the Fab Four when drinking. We put on some strappy sandals, order nothing but cosmos and talk about all the sex we’ve had in the past week.

(McBournie insists that we call him Samantha. Schools, with his profound addiction to horserace betting, is our group’s Carrie.)

However, not everyone shares our excitement. New York’s Time Out magazine is protesting the movie because it premiered in London instead of NYC. They slapped the Sex girls hard — the way this blog understands they like it — by featuring them on the cover, but with the title of “No sex! Enough already — we love ’em, but it’s just too much.”

Just to recap: they’re protesting the movie with a Sex and the City-free issue by featuring the film’s stars on their cover. It’s obvious they haven’t read “Take it from Snee: Protest effectively or kindly go home.”

How To: Eat a hot dog respectably

freud_hot-dogAs we get closer to summer, there is a threat looming on the horizon: barbeques. More specifically, we are referring to eating hot dogs in public. During the winter months, The Guys dine in solitude, devouring anything microwavable, safe from the prying eyes of people at parks.

But with the rapid approach of Memorial Day, our nation will be faced with a question that fills our hearts with dread: “Burger or dog?” Sure, the burger’s the safe choice, but sometimes they run out of burgers or the jerk wearing the “World’s Greatest Chef” apron only cooks them well done.

So, how do you eat a hot dog respectably without looking like Linda Lovelace? In other words, what separates how you eat a hot dog from a “not dog.” That’s the subject of this week’s How To. Continue reading How To: Eat a hot dog respectably

People get older over time (including children)

With the May releases of blockbusters trickling out, it’s obvious that it is now summer. (Hear that sound? It’s children on your lawn! Remember: shoot first, then drag them onto your porch.)

With summer here, it’s also time for the press to go on vacation while entertaining their interns with puppet shows, magic tricks and lists. The most popular list, of course, is the “Child Stars: Then and Now” rehash that gets updated every year.

Today’s lazy adventure in Internet slide shows comes to you courtesy of Florida’s Sun-Sentinel.com.

Bonus Fun Fact:
Apparently Prince William was a child star.