It’s summertime and nothing sounds better than a nice cold beer to cool off. Unfortunately, humans aren’t the only ones thinking that way these days.
A man in California is suing Heineken after he found not one, but two dead geckos in his beer. He noticed an off taste from the beer, which shows he has a refined palette, since it’s Heineken, and became sickened after the two lizards were found at the bottom of the bottle. This incident happened two years ago, but the lawsuit is new, and given that lizard beer seems to be a worldwide trend, it seems like a good time to panic.
Remember, you should find happiness, not lizards, at the bottom of your drink.
It’s the dog days of summer. I don’t really know what that phrase means, sort of like “the ides of March.” Anyway, there is such a thing as the dog days of summer, and this is it. And usually there’s not a ton of news out there. But that’s certainly not the case this week. If you were busy being accused of holding women captive in a cult-like atmosphere this week, odds are you missed it.
Spice put on ice
This week, Sean Spicer stepped down from his post as White House press secretary. He at first denied the reports as fake news from the dishonest liberal media, but then looked down at his notes and learned that he had apparently resigned.
President Donald Trump this week nominated climate change denier Sam Clovis to the USDA’s top science position. “Hooray,” cheered cows across the country, whose farts represent the largest U.S. emissions of the greenhouse gas methane.
Man who didn’t murder two people granted parole
O.J. Simpson was granted parole this week after serving nine years in prison for an armed heist to steal back some of his memorabilia that had been sold. Simpson told the judge he plans to search for the real armed robber.
If you’re in the part of the U.S. that’s experiencing a heat wave right now, you probably can’t imagine how things could get any nastier. Our advice to you is to watch your head.
Scientists say that you’re more likely to encounter a flying cockroach when it’s hot out. Hot, humid environments are ideal for the American cockroach to fly, so the hotter and steamier it gets, the more likely they are to go airborne. And because the American cockroach has well-developed wings, as opposed to other roach species around the world, this is uniquely an American problem.
We’ve all added vodka to a Slurpee or made ourselves a Jack and Coke float. (No? Just us?) But what if you could enjoy a cool treat this summer that also give you a buzz. The future is here.
Booze is making its way into ice cream. Real booze, not just booze flavoring. The latest trend in frozen foods is alcoholic ice cream. You can now even find popsicles and sorbet with significant amounts of alcohol. The downside, of course, is the government. Because the feds are pretty strict on keeping booze and food sold separately, there are a lot of hurdles boozy ice cream producers have to overcome. That makes it hard to find, and possibly illegal in some states.
So, if you find any of these delicious treats, please send some to The Guys. We’re famished.
Although we live in one of the safest countries in the world, Americans are obsessed with the idea of injecting lead into the ones they love (even though nothing’s really made with lead anymore). We crave convenience and the ability to own dangerous objects, even though they are more likely to kill our children, pets and elderly than a home intruder.
I am, of course, talking about cars.
Despite dozens of news articles every summer (often about the same three cases), America’s infatuation with the automobile leads otherwise reasonable people to leave their friends and loved ones in the car with the safety locked, often while holding up a liquor store for “just a few minutes.” Continue reading Take it from Snee: Beware of car
Summer time is perfect for doing stupid stuff. You and your friends are outside enjoying the warm weather, and between the beers you’ve been pounding and the sun beating down on you for hours, you’re dumb enough to make some bad choices. Plus, there’s usually some fire and/or sharp things around, which are essential tools for bad drunken ideas.
Fortunately, it’s also the time of year when people head to theme parks. They flock to these places, because there’s no summer memory that is as indelible as throwing up Sno-Cones on the scores of people below the ride you’re on. It’s a nice, safe, occasionally clean place to go with your family.
It’s not really summer, but we’re all tricking ourselves into thinking it is. That’s fine with me I guess, I support any holiday where society collectively deceives itself. Earth Day is another example. For one day a year, we all act like we care about the environment and swear we’re going to recycle more and drive less. Companies get in on it by turning their logos green. Then we as a society go back to saying “Screw you, grandchildren!” a day later. If you were busy this week getting outraged about the title of an upcoming movie for the second time in a month, odds are you missed it.
Beatle has a bug
This week, Sir Paul McCartney fell ill while on tour, causing him to cancel several show dates. Spokespeople said McCartney, 71, will be back out touring again soon. According to reports, he is suffering from a viral infection. Paul, you’re too old to be partying with the kids, this is what happens when you hang out with Miley Cyrus.
Worst spring break ever
Kevin Spacey traveled to Mexico this week to meet with President Pena Nieto. The two ran into each other at a resort in Cancun during Tianguis Turistico, an international tourism conference. It was alleged that the Spacey was paid by the Mexican government to make the appearance, which caused outrage among many Mexicans. However, the most outraged was Nieto himself, when he later learned that Spacey is not the president of the U.S.
A big weekend for toilets
Beef was recalled in 10 different states earlier this week. It was reported that six different retail chains sold tainted beer. Then later, the Centers for Disease Control linked at least seven E. coli infections to sprouts, hummus, walnuts and several kinds of dips, which also prompted a recall. So stock up on toilet paper, America, you’re about to lose some weight over the long weekend!
August is still summer, damn it. And I’ll challenge anyone who says otherwise. When I was a kid, I hated the fact that classes started up in late August. In college, they started a week or two earlier. So for me, summer was effectively over. Now that I’m an adult and don’t have to worry about such silly things, I still have people telling me summer is over. One such person is Samuel Adams. His Octoberfest season beer hit shelves in late July. As far as I’m concerned, that’s prime summer beer time. There’s also talk that the summer movie season is drawing to a close this weekend. That might seem reasonable, seeing as how it how starts in April. In the Northern Hemisphere, summer goes from June 21 to September 21. If you announced your possible retirement from music this week, odds are you missed it.
‘Thank you, thank you. Be sure to tip your flight attendant’
If you hate flying and just wish you could get some peace a quiet during your flights, be glad you don’t live in England. Virgin Atlantic announced this week that it will be offering stand-up comedy acts on some of its flights within the U.K. There will even be live music acts on certain flights. And you know how everyone agrees on music. Virgin founder Richard Branson said that he just wanted a way for sky marshals to blow off some steam.
Has anyone thought to blame ‘Shark Week’?
Scores of dead dolphins have been washing ashore on the East Coast this summer, especially over the past two weeks. It’s happening at seven times the normal rate, according to some counts. Scientists say no cause has been found yet, but it’s likely something related to water quality. This is why you shouldn’t pee in the ocean.
The Roots were there for entrance music
Back in late July, Jimmy Fallon and his wife welcomed their new daughter, Winnie Rose. This week, the new dad announced that they had had the child through a surrogate, after having difficulty conceiving. Fallon said that he had been concerned that if it was his wife having the baby, he’d start cracking up in the middle of one of her contractions.
If you live in Florida, you may want to consider moving before the summer comes. We’re sure it’s a very nice place and all that, but it’s about to get flat-out terrifying.
It’s no secret that Florida is one big swamp, and that mosquitoes love swamps, so naturally, the bugs are all over the state. But now, according to this headline, scientists are expecting a “Large, aggressive mosquito.” It’s likely going to be from the Psorophora ciliata species, which sounds like something you shouldn’t google at work.
The article is short on details, and we don’t want to speculate, but it probably means that the state will be terrorized by a single mutant mosquito, roughly the size of a house, and the demeanor of grizzly bear.
Of course, if you want to hunt this mega-mosquito, we’ll write songs about you when you bring us its head.
Everyone in the northern hemisphere is complaining about how cold it’s supposed to be up here because it’s winter. But, did you know that summer is just heating up below the equator? It’s true! (Also: their toilets flush backwards, and their mermaids have fish heads and lady legs.)
In an effort to stave off energy costs, the Chilean government has suggested that men not wear ties this summer. Aside from the friction caused from tying, re-tying and tying one until you get it right, they believe that this will cut power costs from air conditioning.
But, that’s not to say there isn’t some backlash. At least one Santiago resident is aghast that the president, government ministers, engineers, doctors and journalists would go about their business without a tie.
“There are things that really go along with being formal and well-structured,” said Gonzalo Castro, adding, “What will they use to wipe our famous sea bass off with during business lunches?”