The eclipse is going to mess with animals

Take this weekend to prepare for the animal uprising. You will thank us later.

The solar eclipse that’s going to streak across the U.S. from Oregon to South Carolina on Monday is going to be quite a spectacle, but it may also be the sign for the animals to unite and attack us. Experts warn that the sun being blotted out by the moon could mess up some animals. From your pets to wild animals, especially ones that only come out at night, will probably start acting strange because it’s suddenly not day for a bit. Llamas line up, dolphins hang out on the ocean surface, dogs and cats living together — mass hysteria!

Because of this, it seems pretty likely that animals across the continent will take the eclipse as a sign to begin the revolution. Arm yourselves.

Love, love me poo

If you know our animal foes as well as we do, then you’re already aware that dung beetles dance on top of their balls of feces. We always thought it was a premature end zone dance (Remember the good old days when dung beetles just handed the ball to the ref?) before rolling it back home.

But, South African and Swedish researchers believe they found the true reason for the dance: they’re Tiger Woods-ing that s@%t.

The beetle rolls its dung ball in a straight line backwards to its poophole. If stopped by an obstacle or for a very important phone call, the beetle almost always does the dance again to once again travel in a straight line to their underground crap chasm. Repeated experiments demonstrate that these beetles are actually using the dance to get their bearings — including “visual clues from the sun, moon, the Earth’s magnetic field or the nearest tall tree” — to plot a course as straight as the constipated crow flies.

Personally, we still think it’s because the beetles know we won’t step on them while they’re standing on poo, a move borrowed from human teenagers and their flaming sacks of duty.

(Turds.)

Sun blames blast on the dog

Much like you dad at the dinner table, NASA and the USA Today have attempted to euphemize the sun’s latest gas expulsions.

Still, we’d love to hear Aunt Mathilda fan herself and declare she “has fired off a spectacular ‘coronal mass ejection,’ following a solar flare erupting from a sunspot region.” It sure beats her usual outbreaks of The Vapors.

Be ready for the Lifetime adaptation, everyone

It’s not easy being a single parent, especially when you’re surrounded by babies left and right. Clearly, we’re taking on more burdens than we can sizably expect, and frankly, in this economy, sometimes that can lead to some horrible decisions. Unfortunately, that’s just not a lesson that we’re learning here in America.

However, in merry ol’ blighty, that’s just not a problem, no sirree! Yup, we silly Americans should be taking lessons from the Brits — if you’re going have a child, keep in mind these simple rules:

  1. Make sure that you have a partner. Don’t go being a parent alone. Have someone else that can help shoulder the burden.
  2. Be no older than thirteen years old.

Wait, what?

You heard correctly. A thirteen year old British lad is the proud father of a new child. The mother? A comparatively ancient fifteen. It’s cool though — Poppa Alfie expects to be a good dad. How so?

“I’ll have to work extra hard at school.”

That’s a solid plan there, Alf-ster. In the meantime, get back to playing that video game. You’ll have plenty of time to be a great father once you’ve complete one last mission.

Do you see that, Britain? HA! Guess America’s not just the only country with bad parents, huh?