Super Bowl news hole: Wings around the world

It’s the Thursday before the Super Bowl, which means we’re on the home stretch of awful and stupid stories trying to fill the void of the two weeks leading up to the big game. Just hang in there for a few more days and it will all be behind us.

But until then, let’s talk about stupid things. For example, did you know that on Super Bowl Sunday, Americans will eat enough wings to circle the Earth three times over? Estimates are that 1.35 billion wings will be consumed on that highest of high holy days. And you just know that some of those will be boneless, because America isn’t strong anymore.

You know what? Let’s just watch that Eagles fan run into the pillar in the subway again.

Hurry up, Sunday.

You Missed It: Space monkey edition

I’ll say this first: I really like watching football, especially the NFL. However, I think we get a bit too hyped for the Super Bowl. Yes, it’s a championship game, but the frenzy leading up to it is a bit much. For a solid week, ESPN tries to find fresh angles, and the teams have to talk to the media for days about the same upcoming game. On top of that, all the big commercials leak, and it’s the only time anyone cares. If you were busy dodging questions about your banned drug use this week, odds are you missed it.

The wrong stuff?
This week, Iran shocked the world with its announcement that it launched a monkey into space and returned it to Earth alive and well. The reports from state-run media were never confirmed, and now critics are saying the launch was likely unsuccessful or altogether faked. They point to the video of the monkey before and after the launch, and how they don’t look like the same creature. If this is true, we have to commend Iran on its initiative to kill monkeys.

More than you asked for
Lena Dunham, the writer, star and sometimes director of HBO’s so-so show Girls has signed a deal with HBO to write the pilot for a TV adaptation of a personal shopper for rich New Yorkers. It’s unlikely that Dunham herself will be in the show, but she’ll no doubt find an excuse to get naked anyway. Yeesh.

Purplest teeth in the world
The U.S. is now the largest wine-consumer in the world, according to an industry analyst. According to Jon Fredrikson, the U.S. now makes up 13% of the global wine market, up 2% from a year earlier. Argentina, Chile and Australia were the chief suppliers to the American thirsty. Well done, ladies!

Why even bother with the coin toss?

Quick, think of the three people physically closest to you right now. If you’re alone, just think of three people you happen to know. Good. Now, do you believe that God decides the outcome of sporting events? If you answered “no,” at least one of the three people said “yes.”

According to a new survey by impartial-sounding Public Religion Research Institute, 27 percent of Americans believe that “athletes who believe in God will have good health and success.” This explains why a man who plays a game consistently on the Lord’s day, who was involved in the murder of another man, obstructed justice and then struck a deal with the victim’s family, is in the Super Bowl. He does thank God, after all.

Good thing the NFL kept cameras out of the bathroom

Even though the NFL kept its promise to keep Madonna dressed, the Parents Television Council is up-in-arms because of a bird. NBC censored British singer M.I.A.’s international diplomacy — you know, the finger? — but, it was a half-second too late for the steely gaze of the PTC, who can spot a nipple through a metal doily from a wide-out crane shot.

The PTC had no problem with the rest of Madonna’s show where she outgayed the gayest gay that ever gayed. Clearly, this is both a victory for and challenge to the gay community if they can’t offend America’s scrappiest PTA anymore.

A not-so-Super Sunday

Why, hello there, reader. Big plans for the weekend? Well, before you let the crazy train leave suburban station, there are a couple of things you need to be aware of.

First, the U.S. House of Representatives would prefer it if you didn’t spend your welfare check on strippers. They passed a bill that “would bar welfare recipients from spending their benefits in strip clubs and casinos,” saying that kind of behavior is better paid through Republican donor parties.

And if that wasn’t weird enough, guess who’s going after child sex trafficking? No, the Catholic Church. (I know, right?) A team of nuns have alerted over 200 hotels in the Indianapolis area so they’ll know what child sex looks like for the Super Bowl. Nobody’s sure why the Super Bowl would be a banner day for pederasty — maybe because nothing sets the mood like the Puppy Bowl — but, it looks like we’re gonna have to settle for nachos and beer this year.

‘Cherish’ isn’t the word we would use

The National Football League has agreed to continue their long-standing policy of helping Puppy Bowl draw more viewers. That announcement was part of an NFL press release in which they confirmed that Madonna will perform a Cirque du Soleil Super Bowl halftime show.

In past years, the NFL has attempted to send viewers fleeing to images of puppies slobbering over a tiny football by booking

▪  A born-again Prince who doesn’t sing about sex anymore
▪  Paul McCartney, post-Beatles
▪  U2, who refuse to feed Bono to starving Africans
▪  Janet Jackson’s metal nipple doily

If this doesn’t work, the NFL plans to run YouTube videos of people vomiting accompanied by the dulcet tones of a stadium full of vuvuzelas in 2013.

It’s the Sophie’s Choice of football

To stand up in the heat or stand up in the cold: that is the question.

In the (theoretically) last bit of football-related news for the next 6 and a half months, 400 fans that bought a seat for the Super Bowl at the game were made seat-less (which is like being homeless, but with 53% less bindles in play) due to a SNAFU called the weather for the past week.

The solution to this problem was declared:

League spokesman Brian McCarthy issued a statement shortly after kickoff saying the fans have been allowed into the field-level club behind the Pittsburgh Steelers bench, where they could watch the game on monitors. Or, they can view the game in person on standing-room platforms in each corner of Cowboys Stadium.

Yeah, we’ll go with the other option:

The fans will also get a refund equal to triple the face value of the $800 tickets.

Yes, that’ll do.

Take it from Snee: Super Bowl commericals are for idiots

It’s the week of the Super Bowl, which translates into a week of hype.

  1. Will Bret Favre congratulate Aaron Rodgers if he wins?!
  2. Does another championship ring make up Ben Roethlisberger’s off-season indiscretions?!  (If he does it again this year, does he have to win another Super Bowl to avoid jail time, or will a mere playoff appearance do?)
  3. Will the defense of either team show up this week?!
  4. Which company will put out the commercial of the year?!

If you asked number four, then congratulations: you’re an idiot. If you’re paid to answer number 4, then you are a hack and should be forced to wear a frilly dress the next time you go to a bar with more than one television on the wall.

What’s that? You don’t think that assessment is fair? Read on to find out why you’re a tool, chump. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Super Bowl commericals are for idiots

Tourism marketing at its BEST

The countdown to the Super Bowl is a mere 4 days away, and yet, we wouldn’t be too surprised if many of you already feel absolutely inundated by the coverage of the biggest event in professional sports. Have faith-it’ll be worse. Come Friday, prepare to be privy to stories that have the faintest connection to the sport of football, much less the NFL’s championship game. As to be expected, not all of the stories will be of the feel-good variety.

But have faith: some of those stories are beginning already. The Texas Attorney General, Greg Abbott, has declared that “the Super Bowl is one of the biggest human trafficking events in the United States.”

While this may or may not be true, as The Guys don’t exactly have the most up to date statistics on child trafficking (taken from that great book, “Everybody Gets Stolen at the Piggly-Wiggly and Bought for 2 Grand and a Carton of Marlboros“), we’d just like to point out, once again, that the Super Bowl is taking place in 4 days. Oh, and it’s happening in Dallas, Texas.

Eat My Sports: TAINTed

To put it lightly this year, I’m disappointed in the Super Bowl. From CBS’ production, to the lackluster commercials, to the downright overall feel from kickoff that this game was just not special. It sucked, and you know it.

Look, I’m happy as hell for the city of New Orleans. They deserved this. After all of the crap they have been through since Katrina, this is a feel good moment that will last a very long time. But I’m not paid to talk cities, I’m paid to talk football and there are several reasons that this game will go down as one of the worst Super Bowls of all time. Continue reading Eat My Sports: TAINTed