Tag: super bowl

MasterChugs Theater: What was that?

I’m gonna go ahead and precede this week’s article with an all general possibility for being Not Safe For Work (NSFW). I have no idea what your employer’s views are on employee bandwidth usage. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

In a world, ravaged by the shards of time, thought long ago, with the future hanging in the balance, one man set out to enjoy a movie trailer without seeing cliche after cliche and cliche.

He was unsuccessful. Click the jump to find out why. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: What was that?

You Missed It: We interrupt this broadcast edition

It’s not easy writing these things when big, tragic news happens during the week. You see, we can’t just ignore significant happenings, but we can’t make jokes about it either. This week is one of those weeks. I am speaking, of course, about the news that Chastity Bono is getting a sex change. Hope all of you are OK out there. If you were busy checking into rehab for depression and alcoholism–again, Mr. Congressman–odds are you missed it.

The transition will not be televised
By midnight, every television station has to stop broadcasting its analog signals and switch over to digital. This means that over 2 million people who depend on rabbit ears but don’t have a converter will be without their favorite appliance. On a more serious note, this also means that they will be without important information like emergency broadcast-type stuff. But for everyone else, it means you can watch the lame summer shows the big four air during the summer months sharper than ever before!

Tobacco, why do you make us keep hitting you?
Members of Congress, many of whom smoke or are backed by tobacco companies, passed a bill that gives the Food and Drug Administration regulation powers over tobacco. President Barack Obama, who himself smokes, said he looks forward to signing the bill, much like he looked forward to increasing federal taxes on tobacco products earlier this year. So for those of you playing along at home, yes, smoking is still cool, but it’s even cooler to be dependent on the tobacco industry in some way and slight it every chance you get. Self-loathing is what’s hip. Smoke, then hit yourself until you cry.

And ESPN still plays up the rivalry angle
Finishing up their third series of the 2009 season, the Boston Red Sox are a perfect 8-0 against the New York Yankees, a feat that has never happened in 90 or so years of baseball. Not saying that to gloat, or to point out that the Yankees’ season seems to be one of the most happily frustrating season we’ve seen in a while. I am not about to draw any parity to a perfect Boston-based team going up against a New York team some view as underrated. No, there’s no parallel in any other sport. On an unrelated note, how weird was it that there was no Super Bowl this year?

The McBournie Minute: Tainted celebrity love

Oh my god! Did you see it? Sacha Baron Cohen totally landed his bare ass on Eminem during the MTV Movie Awards last night! It was totally real, too. Because you could clearly see Eminem’s bodyguards hesitate while their boss got a man-ass shot.

Yeah, that stunt was staged. You don’t have someone fall from the ceiling with an exposed behind at an awards show and not have several dozen people know about it ahead of time. It’s called the Howard Stern theory of comic nudity. Stunts take a lot of time to plan out, and you need to get everyone to sign off on the safety side of things, too. You don’t want famous people getting hurt, now do you?

Let’s also keep in mind that nothing, repeat, nothing spontaneous happens on an MTV awards show anymore. They pretty much did away with that after the dude from Rage Against the Machine climbed up on the set of the MTV Music Awards when the Wayans brothers hosted. It truly was the only thing notable about that installment. Let’s get past the fact that naked butts on award shows have been done several times, let’s ignore the fact that we’ve seen Cohen put his crotch in a man’s face before. The real issue here is that celebrity crotches are out of control. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Tainted celebrity love

You Missed It: So long and thanks for all the kickbacks edition

We have arrived at the end of another week, and also the end of another month. It seems like only yesterday I was recovering from a hangover courtesy of cheap champagne. This weekend promises to be just as entertaining for all of America (or at the very least, the dudes) with the Super Bowl on Sunday. If you were busy contemplating not working on Tuesdays from now on, odds are you missed it.

Blagojevich, hair unhappy with obvious ouster
Never mind that he’s facing federal corruption charges, Illinois Gov. Rod “The Bod” Blagojevich was kicked out of office yesterday. Blagojevich became the former governor after making a heart-wrenching speech about how he has not been allowed to tell his side of the story and bring in witnesses who will defend him. State senators responded by unanimously voting him out and banning him from ever holding public office in the state again. Upon replacing Blagojevich, Gov. Pat Quinn pledged to clean up the office of the governor, and make sure the tape recorders were off when solicits or accepts bribes.

Being a Patriots fan, I have no recollection of there ever being a game
Police say they have recovered 27 Super Bowl rings that were made for the New York Giants last year. The rings were reported stolen from a Massachusetts jewelry store in June, the robbery netted an estimated $2 million. The rings have been sent to the Giants since being recovered, and a Boston area couple has been arrested in connection with the robbery. In other news, Bill Belichick could not be reached for comment.

And the dad is heading back to Iraq soon to get some peace and quiet
A mother of six gave birth to octuplets this week. Bringing her total count to 14 children. The mother has not been identified, but it is said she had feritility treatments and they did a little better than she had expected them to do. Here’s a question: if you already have four kids, why are you concerned about fertility?

Eat My Sports: I’m super, thanks for asking

So it has come to this. The Arizona Cardinals and the Pittsburgh Steelers in a game for the title, or as we like to say, for all the marbles. Last year, I predicted a 28-27 upset of the Patriots by Elisha Manning and his Giants. I also detailed how the game would play out, and also what it would be like to have The Guys together watching the game.

Well, dedicated readership, you’re getting half of what you’ve been wishing for since my Super Bowl column last year! Bryan McBournie and I will be watching the game and trying not to kill each other this very Sunday. How will both games play out … I wonder …. Continue reading Eat My Sports: I’m super, thanks for asking

Eat My Sports: You Missed It

Now that it’s over, 2008 was one of the most memorable years for sports. Given that all sports have memories, and until Armageddon we’ll continue to have years, I guess you could say that for any year really. But 2008 was special. It brought us Roger Clemens and Plaxico Burress shooting themselves in the ass and leg, respectively. It brought us the second full season of Michael Vick-free football while he was in the dog bighouse. It gave us Scott Boras coming out of his shell as Satan. So in case you were busy growing a beard and dodging US troops in Afghanistan, odds are you missed it.

One Giant catch, one Patriot meltdown
In easily the best Super Bowl of all-time, the heavily favored New England Patriots fell to the mighty underdog New York Giants. Down 14-10 in the fourth quarter, Elisha Manning led a touchdown drive that cemented David Tyree in Super Bowl lore, and resulted in Plaxico Burress thinking gun permits were just polite suggestions. The resulting touchdown led to a 17-14 upset, as well as year-long gripefest from Bryan McBournie and Bill Simmons about how the Patriots had only won three Lombardi Trophies this decade. Continue reading Eat My Sports: You Missed It

Eat My Sports: Sex and the NFL

I really want to write about the Red Sox this week. That old familiar feeling has come creeping around again, and my boys did it in overly dramatic fashion by finishing off the 100-win Angels with a head-first dive into home plate by Jason Bay. However, I don’t want to tempt fate by calling any of the series this week, so we’ll save it for an Eat My Sports: World Series Edition when the time comes, regardless of if it ends up with a worst case scenario for Fox execs by having a Tampa Bay vs. Philadelphia Phillies Fall Classic. For the time being though, Jed Lowrie, you rock, and Bay, just keep on rolling baby. Continue reading Eat My Sports: Sex and the NFL

Court: Super Bowl needed tits

With a ruling that’s guaranteed to offend anyone who pretends they don’t like women’s breasts, a U.S. Appeals court has thrown out the FCC’s fine against CBS for the 2004 Super Bowl Halftime “Show.”

For those who don’t know what we’re talking about*, Justin Timberlake ripped part of Janet Jackson’s clothes off, revealing a very bizarre star-thingie … and a boob somewhere under that. Half the nation was appalled–demanding that the FCC babysit for them–while the other half thought they were clever to joke about the Levitra commercials.

Well, it’s all settled now: the possibly-modified breast did, in fact, make a Super Bowl Halftime Show remotely watchable for the only time in the game’s history.

And now, readers, as you were.

*SeriouslyGuys would like to wish a very happy birthday to devoted reader Hunter Cramdale, who just turned four-years-old! Hunter, your Booze News stein is in the mail and be sure to ask your parents about Janet Jackson’s honkers.

America’s team gives to those who don’t have

In our ongoing coverage of why the New England Patriots are so great, not only did they unselfishly give up the dream for a perfect season mainly because they didn’t want to be predictable, it turns out, they had a fare more noble idea in their heads when they threw the Super Bowl.

They wanted to clothe needy children. T-shirts and hats proclaiming the Patriots as champions of Super Bowl XLII have been given to children in Nicaragua. Because of the generous loss by these gods among men, hundreds of children now have clothing. Only thing is, they keep asking who the Patriots are.

The McBournie Minute: I love the Patriots

This week, in honor of Valentine’s Day, we’re writing our features about love. Also, you will be treated to daily editions of MasterChugs Theater with “Love in the Theater.”

“Heroes never last long because, although they may inspire us to become more, they remind us of our own shortcomings. We appreciate them at first, but then we look at our own lives and wonder, ‘Why not me?’ At first, ‘why not me’ means, ‘I could do that, too.’ But after a while … ‘why not me’ turns into ‘I’m not that great, and neither is that person.'” —Rick Snee

I love the New England Patriots. I guess it’s because of Bryan Schools’ column last Tuesday, or that I’m still not over the game, but I am sick of everybody bashing the Patriots. This is the last time I will talk about it. I retract my statement last week, I will not argue that they deserved to win Super Bowl XLII. The Pats looked flat from the very beginning, especially before the game. For some reason, no one was bouncing around or talking a big game. They simply moped out to the field like it was just another practice. IT WAS THE EFFING SUPER BOWL!

No, the Patriots did not deserve to win. But neither did the New York Giants.

Continue reading The McBournie Minute: I love the Patriots