God hates mylar bags

You know what’s sad? When Fred Phelps and the Westboro “Totally Not Gay” Baptists make it to Comic-Con before we do.

Phelps plans to picket the world-famous comic book convention because he believes nerds worship comic characters instead of Phelps Jesus. He hopes to encourage attendees to put down the action figures and pick up a Bible, warning them that

“The destruction of this nation is imminent – so start calling on Batman and Superman now, see if they can pull you from the mess that you have created with all your silly idolatry.”‘

Well, Fred, we’ve tried that. And as much as we’ve prayed for Jesus to slap the blasphemy out of you, it’s more likely that someone dressed as Aquaman will finally do it.

So, thanks for converting us over to the church of a comics character based on Greek (read: butt-loving) paganism.

(Special thanks to Matt Staggs.)

Super Mario forced me to touch the kiddies

Blaming videogames for your sins is all the rage, and it’s such a hip movement that even dirty pedophiles are doing it! 38-year-old Ontario man Michael Cherry sure loves him some kiddy porn, but in pleading guilty to possessing the grisly stuff, he offered a most compelling explanation.

Cherry has implicated video games and comic books as contributors to his diseased state of mind, claiming that he lived in a “closed box” and that his “friendless fantasy” was fueled by interactive entertainment. The truck driver also did what many pedophiles do and tried to play the “bad childhood” card, bemoaning a life in foster care and bringing up his apparent clinical depression.

“I’d work, come home . . . lock myself in my apartment…”

Of course, there’s no excuse for downloading child pornography, no matter your background or social standing. It’s just sad that excuses are being made, and it’s thanks to those out there who have made games and comics, among other totally unrelated forms of media, easy scapegoats for criminals who wish to shed themselves of any sense of accountability. Of course, it makes one wonder who’s going to take the accountability of popping Cherry’s cherry in jail.

At least, if you weren’t wondering then, you are now. I am an evil person.

Comic book world comes closer to reality

Oh sure, it’s easy enough being poor and needing to panhandle-but one needs to have a license to be a super-hero? Great shades of Civil War!

But it’s true enough. Recently, two men dressed up as Superman and Batman in New York. Alas, their actions were less than heroic. Curt Swan and Marshall Rogers would be most ashamed. The World’s Finest began panhandling on Times Square, where they were approached by a female member of New York’s Finest. When asked if they had the proper identification needed to perform (to which their panhandling was considered a form of), Superman allegedly punched the officer and took off down the street (on his feet, rather than the slipstream of the air), stating “I’m not getting arrested.”

Nonetheless, a team of cops was able to take him down. We’ll call them The Superman Revenge Squad. Oh, and Batman? Not causing any problems, he was let go and proceeded to walk off with a tourist dressed as the Statue of Liberty.

Bruce Wayne: P.I.M.P.

When he comes out of the closet, it’s to put on his outfit

Stan Lee was great during the 60’s and 70’s, as when he was partnered with Jack Kirby and Steve Ditko, he helped co-create Spider-Man, Fantastic Four, Hulk, the X-Men and tons more. Well, follow fast, true believer, as he’s back. That’s right, Stan is creating another super-hero.

And this time, the super-hero is FABULOUS!

Yes, the octogenarian will soon unveil “the world’s first gay superhero”. On television, mind you. Because that’s only where actual stuff happens. The link is worth clicking simply for the awful Photoshop picture.

Unavailable for comment were Midnighter, Apollo, modern Batwoman, current The Question, Northstar, Wiccan, Hulkling, Anole, Karma and Freedom Ring, among others.

Take it from Snee: Why the world needs the Whimlander

Today’s “Take it from Snee” is a joint-effort with our little sister publication, Radford University’s Whim Internet Magazine. To fill in SG readers who don’t know the Whimlander, he’s an undead Scottish warrior who was resurrected from the days of William Wallace to protect Whim from all enemies, foreign and domestic. Since I spent a few weeks with the Whimlander back in 2007 to play him in Whimlander: The Movie, I wrote this article as part of Whimlander Awareness Week.

My personal/professional history with the Whimlander is long and storied, as evidenced by my previous articles on him: “I spent the night with the Whimlander” and “Why the world doesn’t need the Whimlander.” If you didn’t read those other articles, don’t bother looking for them. (Like I said, long and storied.)

The point is that I was wrong when I said the world doesn’t need the Whimlander. The current state of the world—and the check from the Whimlander Awareness Program—has convinced me that the Whimlander provides a service to not only Whim Internet Magazine, but the entire world that no mere Superman or Highlander could ever aspire to.

Continue reading Take it from Snee: Why the world needs the Whimlander