Tag: Supreme Court

You Missed It: Judicial reactivism edition

Kind of seems like Friday rolled around a little earlier this week, doesn’t it? Well, technically it did, since we were all off on Monday. However, that doesn’t mean there wasn’t news happening. OK, well that’s not technically true. It was a pretty dull week overall, but nonetheless, important things happened. If you were busy launching a new search engine this week, odds are you missed it.

¿Quien es mas racist?
President Barack Obama nominated federal appellate Judge Sonia Motomayor to replace retiring Justice David Souter for the U.S. Supreme Court. Sotomayor, who is both a woman and of Hispanic ethnicity, got flak from Republicans this week for being a racist pick. On top of that a statement she made a couple years ago where she said a Latina woman would be wiser making some decisions than a white man, has been labeled as racist itself. Yes, because who knows the plight of Hispanics in America better than a 60-year old white guy?

New term: Leno’brien!
Jay Leno steps down from the Tonight Show tonight, bringing an end to 17 years of comedic somethingerother and head bobbles. Conan O’Brien will be given the reins of the show in June. Leno’s not going anywhere though, he’s just moving up a time slot. And because he’s not going anywhere, he’s not getting any fanfare with his exit. So Jay, I personally would like to say goodbye and thank you for all you have done. Your aging audience will miss you, but they will be OK once they figure out they can watch you and go to sleep earlier.

Wait a minute, there’s no lecturing in this online course
National American University is suing porn site Naughty American University this week, for trademark violations, along with having the same acronym and a similar name. National American has been in existence since 1997 and has several campuses, Naught American has been around since 2003 and leads the academic world in sexual puns. In other news, I am no longer excited about starting with the NAU graduate program this fall.

Coolest state rankings turned upside-down

After a tremendous drop to number two in Maxim Magazine‘s “Coolest States in the U.S.” ranking last year, California has now dropped several more rungs in 2009.

Today’s state Supreme Court ruling that upheld Proposition 8, banning same-sex marriage, caused the state to now lag behind most of New England and stand just above Iowa.

(Iowa, of course, legalized gay marriage, but medicinal marijuana is still illegal and there’s no surfing.)

Californians are swept up in grief and disappointment, wondering just when did they lose their edge.

Some point to when they elected a Republican governor, but he was an action movie star. Others believe it was when gays started acting too normal, getting married and adopting children that the state entered its giant middle-aged status. Still others point to the state’s financial troubles, suggesting that it may be time to “get over themselves and embrace corporate America, selling out or not.”

As mentioned Friday, Alabama managed to pull itself into 48th place in the rankings, upsetting Oklahoma, which is not Texas.

Let’s play a game

We will give you three headlines, all about the same story. Try to name each news outlet.

  1. “Supreme Court to consider life in prison for juveniles”
  2. “Justices to hear appeals of lifers sentenced as teens”
  3. “Supreme Court to Hear Convicted Rapist’s Case”

The answers are after the jump. Continue reading Let’s play a game

You Missed It: The other white meat edition

Happy May Day, comrade! May is finally here, which means more flowers that give off pollen–ugh. But seriously, if you are celebrating May Day today, the Department of Homeland Security would like to have a word with you. Me? I’m celebrating Bealtaine, the beginning of the Celtic summer. If you were too busy celebrating 100 days at your new job, odds are you missed it.

You’re telling me I can no longer express my love for pigs?
You probably have not heard yet, but there’s an outbreak of swine flu, and apparently people are really upset about it. Right now, over 300 people have it and are at home having chicken noodle soup, assuming there’s no avian flu in it. The illness came from Mexico and is steadily making its way here in the U.S.–as if we didn’t regret coming back from spring break with an itch already.

She’s got the need, the need for a same-sex relationship
Remember Kelly McGillis? She was that super-hot flight instructor that buzzed Tom Cruise’s flight tower in Top Gun? Yeah, turns out she likes the ladies now. Guess someone did not take her to bed, and as such, lost her forever. In a related note, this would have been so much cooler if it had happened 20 years ago.

So long, and thanks for all the opinions
Supreme Court Justice David Souter announced that he is going to step down soon, setting up the debate of who will replace him on the bench. Souter, a Bush Sr. appointee, has been known for his dry wit, his quiet demeanor and …. Sorry, dozed off there for a second. Souter may be the first American to quit his job in months. Ladies and gentlemen, the recession is over.

Victory in the courts at long last!

The Guys would like to thank all of you who turned out with us to picket the U.S. Supreme Court over the past month. We are pleased to announce that the court has ruled in our favor, which means the U.S. Navy can use its radar during training missions, regardless of how many whales, dolphins and porpoises are killed (and we hope that it is many).

The species traitors at the Natural Resources Defense Council argued that the solar posed a threat to marine mammals, who would hear the radar and become disoriented and probably die or something. As we have chronicled, the case has been bouncing around the legal system for more than a year. Finally, justice has been service in a 5-4 vote.

From the court decision:
“Of course, military interests do not always trump other considerations, and we have not held that they do. In this case, however, the proper determination of where the public interest lies does not strike us as a close question.”

We’re not really sure what “peace” the judges are talking about. This nation is at war with the beasts. However, we’ll take a decision in our favor any day.

Calling all warriors in the nation’s capital

It seems like it’s been a while since we have had any news on the whales/U.S. Navy battlefront. Today, we bring good tidings, the U.S. Supreme Court has agreed to hear the case of the United States v. Free Willy.

To catch everyone up, species traitors have claimed that the U.S. Navy’s sonar on its submarines confuses and kills whales. (That’s the whole point!) First, a federal judge ordered the Navy to stop using its sonar that could kill marine life. Then, a Circuit Court judge said they could use the sonar, screw the marine life, before taking it back and saying the sonar had to go.

Finally, we are reaching the court that understands us like no one else. Best yet, it’s the Highest Court in the Land, and it has a couple appointees from the pro-sonar Bush administration. They seem to be a bit confused right now, so let’s all head down there and picket the court until they deliver justice!

Today in the U.S. judicial system

Good afternoon, and welcome to the latest edition of Today in the U.S. Judicial System. Your hosts, the right honorable Guys, are presiding.

And what a day to preside over the landmark cases of our era, especially when compared to the important cases of yester-year: Brown v. Board of Education, Roe v. Wade, The People v. Larry Flint …. It is awe-inspiring to see this process shape our lives again today.

Jesus Christ! (No, over there!)

First, the Supreme Court refused to hear a case and so upheld the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals’ decision to  allow states to sell anti-abortion license plates to citizens whose faith cannot be adequately expressed by Jesus fish, dashboard saviors, rear-view crucifixes and John 3:16 written in soap across the rear windshield.

A cigarette by any other name …

Next up, they threw their support behind tobacco companies being harassed with lawsuits by people who can’t hold their light and low-tar cigarette smoke. They only heard opening arguments today, in which the plantiffs argued that smokers of the diet cigarettes were forced to take longer drags/smoke more cigarettes than when they smoked harsher brands.

The tobacco companies’ counterargument consisting of pointing to the light cigarettes and saying, “As you can see, your honors, it’s a cigarette.”

The court then adjourned for a five minute break in the parking lot for their fix of that smooth Winston flavor.

You Missed It: Sidearm edition

It is Friday, the last one we will see in June–at least for this year. Yours truly will be heading up to New York City very soon. If you were getting drafted by the NBA this week, odds are you missed it.

Fire shots in celebration
In a 5-4 decision, the U.S. Supreme Court struck down a Washington, D.C. handgun law this week, saying it was against the Second Amendment, which guarantees the right to bear arms. Perhaps the most unusual part of the majority opinion written by Justice Antonin Scalia, who said the court interprets it as “the right to bust a cap in some punk’s ass.”

Down with the Dow
The Dow Jones Industrial Average dropped more than 350 points on Thursday, making it the second worst day of the year. Some blame the fact that oil hit $140 per barrel for the first time, others on the weakening dollar, but we know it was really caused by the news that Heather Locklear entered a mental hospital that day.

Wonder how long until .xxx shows up?
The Internet Corporation for Assigned Names and Numbers, or ICANN, opened up the Internet’s dot-something realm this week when it decided a whole slew of new domain names can now be possible. ICANN said Arabic, Chinese and other languages can have their own .something address now. In fact, entire words can now be made for .something addresses, including .something. So get ready for SeriouslyGuys.funnynewsblogsite!

Author knighted
Author Salman Rushie was knighted by the Queen of England on Wednesday. Rushdie is best known for his controversial book “The Satanic Verses.” So for all of you Muslims out there, it’s Sir Salman Rushie you want to kill.

Rated ‘C’ for Circuit Court

Retired U.S. Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor announced this week she is involved with the development of a computer game for children that will help educate them on how the courts work.

Children will have endless hours of fun learning about the courts as they file for dismissal of charges, file for an appeal, file for a writ of certiorari and listen to hours of droning in a language not in their native tongue. Kids will have to watch out that they don’t get slammed by a gavel.

Uh oh, a hung jury! Be careful you don’t perjure yourself! Watch out for the sneaky lawyers! Weeeee!

Exhibit A: your dog’s anus

Normally, this wouldn’t be a funny story. Veronica Rodriguez has served one year in jail for allegedly “running her hands through a 13-year-old boy’s hair and pulling the back of his head against her covered chest in the middle of a crowded game room at the Boys and Girls Club in Hillsboro.” Now she might be going back for another five years for the same incident.

That’s right: she didn’t sleep with him, didn’t send him dirty pictures on his cell phone, didn’t even give him an “A” for lookin’ fine in jeans. In other words, the action that sent her to jail might have been unintentionally sexual. Speaking as adult males only mildly out of adolescence, teenage guys find sex in Masterpiece Theatre.

No, this story is funny because of the argument her public defender, Robert Gartlan, presented to the Oregon Supreme Court on her behalf:

“‘Causing the back of a boy’s head to be placed against the clothed chest of a 23-year-old counselor is qualitatively different from causing a 12-year-old boy to place his tongue or his penis in the family dog’s anus …. The conduct in this case must be one of the mildest, most technical forms of ‘sexual abuse’ that one could contemplate.'”

Please, think of the dog’s anus. This blog knows you’ll follow your heart.