Does this mean we owe them one?

Big question to everyone: who here has a fondness for Dick Van Dyke?

This could potentially be very important. You see, Dick Van Dyke was off in the sea, minding his own business, surfboarding it up, when he fell asleep. Now, everyone likes a pleasant afternoon nap … but an afternoon nap out on the water is a little bit different. And when you’ve managed to make your way out of sight of land, that starts to fall into the dangerous area.

Here’s where it gets tricky. Van Dyke was then pushed back to shore by a pack of porpoises. Not the rapists of the sea dolphins, but their ugly cousins, porpoises. So, back to my question: does anyone here actually like Dick Van Dyke? We’re at a war here, and every effort might count. As such, if a favor is called in, we may have to be jerks and utter “yeah, but you didn’t actually have to save him.”

Co-Warriors of the Week: Steven Foggarty, Syb Mundy

Sure, in the Northern Hemisphere it’s winter, but in the Southern Hemisphere it’s summer right now. (Also, toilets flow backwards and people drive on the wrong side of the street; it’s basically Bizarro Northern Hemisphere.) Summer means it’s time to surf in Australia, which unfortunately also means it’s time to feast if you’re a shark.

Luckily, most Australians are not sharks, nor are they fans of them. (You may recall that the War on Animals began in Australia after the martyrdom of St. Steven of Irwin.) Aussie surfers have been getting attacked by sharks lately, three in just two days. But the Australians have come out swinging.

Two of the three recent attacks involved punching the shark to get him (or her) to let go. We salute these brave warriors, who in the heat of battle showed the courage to defeat, if not kill, the enemy. And remember, The Guys always recommend carrying Bat Shark Repellent when surfing.