We like big toes and we cannot lie

Ladies, we know that the media perpetuates a certain image of feminimity to send you a message: you’re fat, ugly and need to know at least 300 more ways to “wow” us in bed before you’re lovable, too.

But, let The Guys be the first to say that, aside from counting your toes, we don’t care about your feet.* Now, let’s not get crazy here: we’re not about to suck those foot thumbs. We’ve seen commercials and know that’s where computer animated yellow monsters live. (Also, they spontaeously break out into flames without tough-actin’ Tinactin.) And no amount of surgical procedures is going to change that …

… Unless you get bigger tits. Then we might do anything you ask. But, seriously, leave those hooves alone.

*Yes, we’ve heard tales of “foot fetishists,” but those are just a modern re-imagining of shoemaking elves. Those still exist, by the way, but they go by the name “Daniel Day-Lewis” now.

Excuse me, doctor, have you been drinking?

Surgeons are among the few people in this world who have a bona fide reason to drink, as if you really need one. They see people’s insides day-in and day-out. Plus, they probably have people making cracks about Grey’s Anatomy every time they tell someone what they do for a living. What’s more is that unlike most of us, the actually have the money to go out and get absolutely plastered every night.

The thing is, they really shouldn’t do that, according to a new study. Apparently, surgeons who drank the night before are more likely to make mistakes during surgery the next day, even though they don’t have a drop of booze in their systems at that point.

Of course, then there’s the whole muscle memory aspect. Like how you suck at beer pong when you’re sober, but once you have a few in you, your skills return. Doctors could easily learn out to cut drunk, then they could do it fine every time.

Ask Dr. Snee: Reaching into the guynecologist’s mail sac

Oh, hello there, readers. I didn’t see you waiting there in the Internet. I have a few minutes between smoke breaks, so I’ll just answer a few of your medical questions.

Dear Dr. Snee,

Did you know that yesterday [April 19] was Clitoris Awareness Day? Did you do anything special?

Yes, I pretended that it doesn’t exist. Or is that the g-spot? I can never care. Continue reading Ask Dr. Snee: Reaching into the guynecologist’s mail sac

What to get the rock star with everything

Sharon Osbourne, wife of walking tremor/rock star Ozzy Osbourne, is having her breast implants removed. She plans to give the disembodied knockers to Ozzy as a present, suggesting that they could be used as paperweights.

This is a surprise to everyone because nobody knew Ozzy has papers to weigh down.

(Perhaps they’ll keep him abreast of his finances.)