Gen X to global warming: ‘meh’

In a follow-up to a 2009 survey that revealed most American Gen X-ers are ambivalent at best to climate change, even more don’t care two years later. The age group that, for the purposes of this research, were born between 1961 and 1981 don’t know much about climate change and aren’t concerned about it, either.

Even as temperatures rise and new records are set this summer, survey respondents across the board answered, “Pfft, really? You probably weren’t around for the Reagan years, but I was, and this is nothing. And, there was this one summer, like, in 1994? Days don’t get hot like that anymore.”

Aren’t jobs a kind of bribery?

Corruption is on the rise according to a survey by Transparency International.

The Berlin-based nonprofit organization based this partially on a finding that one quarter of 91,500 surveyed people paid a bribe to an institution or government-provided service. 90 percent of Liberians and 86 percent of Nigerians reported paying a bribe.

And the most corrupt countries–Somalia, Afghanistan, Burma, Iraq, Uzbekistan, Sudan and Turkmenistan–achieved their most corrupt nations’ status by attempting to bribe Transparency International for better rankings.

We love you too, Germans

OK, we admit it. We make a few Nazi jokes now and then, or even some cracks about invading Poland/ annexing the sudetenland, but we just can’t get enough of you crazy krauts.

Gerry, we know you love us despite all that, and we just want to tell you, right back at you.

Recently, Germans aged 19 to 29 took off their gimp masks to tell the world how they really feel. A survey shows that most of them would gladly leave their sexual partner and their car (which also might be their sexual partner) for Internet access. This comes as a total shock, because the Germans are famous around the world for their outright compassion for their fellow man.

We here at ernst Jungs would just like to say thanks for reading.

Personally, I blame Sean Connery

That little area that most of you know mainly due to Braveheart, Sean Connery and kilts, Scotland, is apparently better than you.

And you.

And you.

Oh, and we can’t forget you.

So, what’s all the acclaim for? A survey found that Scots are the most spend concious Lotharios in Great Britain during these hard economic times. Yes, rather than torture themselves by window shopping, they’d much rather hop into the sack with someone else. We can only assume that they exhibit the principle of “one good turn deserves another”.  Unfortunately, it would seem that it truly is “hard out there for a pimp.”

A religious experiment

According to a survey in Monday’s Archives of Surgery, 57 percent of 1,000 surveyed adults believe in divine intervention: in this case, that God will step in and save dying patients.

OK, well, why stop at surgery? According to many of these same true believers, God isn’t just a doctor, but a ominpotent jack of all trades. Therefore, if there’s any basis to this, let’s see God save you, the god-fearing reader, from a direct threat to your faith.

In the next paragraph, you will read the most offensive sentence that will attack God and your beliefs and might possibly turn your children into Satan worshipers. If divine intervention is real, then God will do something to prevent you from reading it, leaving your fragile faith intact. Ready? Here goes:



HA! Suck on that, Xtians!