D.C. is drunker than you

Washington, D.C. is a city of national leaders. And according to a new survey, it’s a city of national leaders in alcohol consumption.

The district is drunker than 49 states, a survey has found. Some 65.9% of residents have had a drink in the past month, just behind Wisconsin, with 67.3%. D.C. is also tops for heavy drinkers, with 11.1%, and binge drinkers, with 25.5%. Heavy drinking is defined in the survey as men having two drinks a day, and women one drink a day. Binge drinking is five or more drinks in a sitting for men, and four or more for women.

This makes sense. The citizens of D.C. have to live with all the crazy people the rest of the country sends there. It’s enough to drive anyone to drink.

Study links marijuana use, doin’ it

A new study has linked marijuana use to sexual activity–as if you needed another reason to stay away from the gateway drug.

Researchers examined data from a federal survey and found a clear connection between smoking marijuana and frequency of sexual activity. Meaning, those who get high generally have more sex. The results were the same for men and women: those who said they had used marijuana in the past year reported having sex an average of seven times in the past month, while those who hadn’t smoked up in the past year only had sex an average of six times the previous month.

So let that be a lesson to all the kids out there: don’t do drugs. Smoking pot isn’t cool, and it is statistically linked to having more sex.

39% of people have been drunk, naked in public

You can’t consider yourself an experienced drinker unless you know someone who has gotten naked in public, according to a new survey.

Some 39% of Americans said they have disrobed in public while drunk. That’s a little over one in three people. If that sounds high to you, just know that it is completely accurate for The Guys. (We’ll let you fantasize about which one it is.) The survey asked if people had ever gotten publicly naked, not if they often do, so one time counts. And those who said they had stripped said they had been drinking beer when it happened, so your whitty T-shirt sayings about tequila are false.

Also, only 9% had been arrested while drunk (The Guys are higher), 6% had set fires (way higher) and 3% had gotten a tattoo (accurate).

How does your group of friends match up?

Study: Adult movies make you go to church

People who are frightened of things like to say that we’re not as good as we used to be, saying we’re losing our morality. They love to say technology is the cause of this. But it turns out, it may be making us more religious.

According to a recent study, if you watch porn regularly, there’s a good chance you’ll start attending church regularly. This flies in the face of what Bible beaters have been saying as long as there have been Bibles to beat. A survey of about 1,200 people found a connection between viewing frequency and how often they attend religious services. The theory is that the more people watch, the more they feel guilty and seek religion.

So God may be watching you, but he also knows he’ll see you on Sunday.

Gen X to global warming: ‘meh’

In a follow-up to a 2009 survey that revealed most American Gen X-ers are ambivalent at best to climate change, even more don’t care two years later. The age group that, for the purposes of this research, were born between 1961 and 1981 don’t know much about climate change and aren’t concerned about it, either.

Even as temperatures rise and new records are set this summer, survey respondents across the board answered, “Pfft, really? You probably weren’t around for the Reagan years, but I was, and this is nothing. And, there was this one summer, like, in 1994? Days don’t get hot like that anymore.”

Aren’t jobs a kind of bribery?

Corruption is on the rise according to a survey by Transparency International.

The Berlin-based nonprofit organization based this partially on a finding that one quarter of 91,500 surveyed people paid a bribe to an institution or government-provided service. 90 percent of Liberians and 86 percent of Nigerians reported paying a bribe.

And the most corrupt countries–Somalia, Afghanistan, Burma, Iraq, Uzbekistan, Sudan and Turkmenistan–achieved their most corrupt nations’ status by attempting to bribe Transparency International for better rankings.

We love you too, Germans

OK, we admit it. We make a few Nazi jokes now and then, or even some cracks about invading Poland/ annexing the sudetenland, but we just can’t get enough of you crazy krauts.

Gerry, we know you love us despite all that, and we just want to tell you, right back at you.

Recently, Germans aged 19 to 29 took off their gimp masks to tell the world how they really feel. A survey shows that most of them would gladly leave their sexual partner and their car (which also might be their sexual partner) for Internet access. This comes as a total shock, because the Germans are famous around the world for their outright compassion for their fellow man.

We here at ernst Jungs would just like to say thanks for reading.

Personally, I blame Sean Connery

That little area that most of you know mainly due to Braveheart, Sean Connery and kilts, Scotland, is apparently better than you.

And you.

And you.

Oh, and we can’t forget you.

So, what’s all the acclaim for? A survey found that Scots are the most spend concious Lotharios in Great Britain during these hard economic times. Yes, rather than torture themselves by window shopping, they’d much rather hop into the sack with someone else. We can only assume that they exhibit the principle of “one good turn deserves another”.  Unfortunately, it would seem that it truly is “hard out there for a pimp.”

A religious experiment

According to a survey in Monday’s Archives of Surgery, 57 percent of 1,000 surveyed adults believe in divine intervention: in this case, that God will step in and save dying patients.

OK, well, why stop at surgery? According to many of these same true believers, God isn’t just a doctor, but a ominpotent jack of all trades. Therefore, if there’s any basis to this, let’s see God save you, the god-fearing reader, from a direct threat to your faith.

In the next paragraph, you will read the most offensive sentence that will attack God and your beliefs and might possibly turn your children into Satan worshipers. If divine intervention is real, then God will do something to prevent you from reading it, leaving your fragile faith intact. Ready? Here goes:



HA! Suck on that, Xtians!