Some may question President Barack Obama’s resolve to take action on unemployment, end detainment at Guantanamo Bay or reform U.S. immigration policy. But there’s one policy he’s remained consistent on for both terms: there’s only one person allowed to be fly in the White House. (She’s the one rockin’ bangs.)
A fly attempted to derail the president’s nominations to head the Securities and Exchange Commission and the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau before even Republicans in the House and Senate got a chance to deny them. Obama was able to reinforce his no-fly zone with a warning swat.
During a televised interview in 2009, Obama authorized a hand strike on an insurgent fly, the first sitting president to do so against a domestic animal since Teddy Roosevelt slapped a bear for eating his son Quentin’s ice cream.
This should help silence critics who believe that the president is weak on the War on Animals, but it won’t.
This may help explain why a San Antonio, Tex., man attacked a Taco Bell with an air gun and a semiautomatic assault rifle and pistol over the price increase on Beefy Crunch Burritos. He discovered the beefy crunchy hike from 99 cents to $1.49 after ordering seven of them.
The good news is that, after a three-hour standoff with the SWAT team, we can all have a hearty laugh about this. Unless of course, you, dear reader, planned to buy 30 burritos for $30 at lunch today.
When I read that a dead body had been found in one of the Los Angeles International Airports’ bathrooms, I said, “Thank God.”
What? That’s not good news? How do you figure?
I didn’t hear any of what you just said because this is text on your computer screen, but I will tell you why I feel better knowing that there was a corpse in the bathroom of a heavily trafficked public area: he made it.
What I mean is that, when I die, my body will release whatever waste is inside of it. I always figured that meant I was guaranteed to soil my pants, bed or coat closet. But, this guy made it to the bathroom before it could happen. I could make it too.
A woman was out walking and heard screams coming from a New Jersey house. She did the assumingly natural thing and phoned for the professionals, but when they got there, it all went just a little bit wacky.
Upon police arrival, the resident of the house refused to let them in, explaining that the screams were caused by a video game session. He was said to be irrational at this point (maybe someone took his Cheetos? They are dangerously cheesy), and when more cops arrived, he threatened them and slammed the door in their faces. It’s a completely and totally acceptable reaction. I’d be angry too if I lived in New Jersey.
Eventually, the man left his house peacefully, and currently awaits psychological examination at the Somerset Medical Center. This makers the second time in history that an armed response team has had to interrupt a man’s gaming session. Brilliant. Just brilliant. Way to jump the gun, New Jersey.