If you smell something, say something

Some security incidents are just fishier than others.

Alert passengers at a Swedish rail station reported a suspicious package to authorities. A sealed package was just sitting there on a bench in the crowded station. We can only assume that the station was evacuated out of an abundance of caution. When brave police offers opened the package, they discovered that it contained several pounds of cod.

This blog has been saying for years that fish should not be in civilian hands.

Swedish town may enact the paid funch

Sweden, the land of cheap furniture and imaginary terrorist attacks, could soon have another great thing going for it.

One town council member there has suggested that citizens be allowed to take an hour off from work to go home and bang. Sweden already has a mandated coffee breaks during the day, but this could take things a step further. Under the proposal, workers would have a paid one-hour break to go home and spend time with their partner, and we all know what that really means. Critics say the rule would be unenforceable, as workers could simply spend their paid break doing anything.

Besides, they should only need a minute or two, or is that just us?

Drunk athletes make unwatchable sports entertaining

Sure, the Women’s World Cup is going on right now, but the Swedes may have come up with a new national competition, albeit accidentally.

To raise awareness about the dangers of swimming while under the influence, a Swedish insurance company invited a men’s synchronized swimming team (apparently that’s a thing over there) to get drunk and try to perform one of their routines. It is even more entertaining than probably intended, despite the serious message at the end. (They use permille, to convert that, just move the decimal over. 1.4 permille equals 0.14%.)

What if we took serious sports that people only care about every few years, a did them drunk? What if we had a Drunk Olympics? Diving would be must-see, gymnastics would finally be watchable, and discus throw would be riveting, because you don’t know what direction the athlete will throw.

The Guys are making a formal call to organize this. Let’s hash it out at the bar.

“Singing Sailor” is Sweden’s new defense against Russia

Things are tense up in the Nordic part of the world. Russian subs have been suspected of patrolling Swedish waters in the Baltic Sea, but the Swedes haven’t been able to confirm it, nor have they seemingly been able to scare the Ruskies off–until now.

A Swedish group has deployed the “Singing Sailor Defense System,” which consists of a neon sign with the words “Welcome to Sweden — gay since 1944” and a gay dancing sailor which is now dancing away in the Baltic.

Subs don’t have eyes, and the Swedish group thought of that. The sign also taps out, “This way if you’re gay” in Morse code on repeat underwater.

Like we said, things are tense.

A doughnut has been to space, but you haven’t

We may have put a man on the moon, but the Swedes beat us to probably the most important space milestone ever. They launched a doughnut into space.

A Swedish science group–and the term alone sounds like they’re up to no good–attached a doughnut to weather balloon and sent it into the boundaries of space, with a camera to record the whole thing. It is the first known space pastry, or “spacetry.”

We choose to send a cronut into space and do the other things in this decade, not because they are easy, but because they are hard.

All fun and games until counter-terrorism forces arrive

If there’s one night in everyone’s life that can quickly inflate to accusations of terrorism, it’s their 21st birthday party. (Unless you’re one of those free-wheeling, anything-goes, God-Save-the-Queen countries that allows drinking at 18.)

So, it probably wasn’t too surprising when Swedish police raided an apartment hosting a 21st birthday party that may or may not (spoiler: it did not) contain members of the Islamic State. They based their intelligence on balloons in the window that, from inside, look like this …

One, 21 balloons, lay down your arms, give up jihad!
One, 21 balloons, lay down your arms, give up jihad!

… but, from the street, looked like a call to join the “IS.”

There’s only one problem with this logic: any terrorism cell that uses balloons to combat western decadence and promote a new, violent caliphate is probably not much of a threat. Or the most adorable one, yet.

Jellyfish: The nuclear reactor’s nemesis

The animals are stepping up their game on our electricity systems. They’re going beyond their usual suicide missions on transformers that cause blackouts. It’s far worse than that, now.

A swarm of jellyfish has caused a Swedish nuclear plant to shut down. That’s right, they took an entire reactor offline, and those things can barely even swim, have you seen them? Operators of the Oskarshamn nuclear plant had to shut down one of their reactors because the sneaky jellies got into the pipes that bring in cool water from the sea and clogged it. They literally could have caused it to melt down if the reactor had been left unchecked.

What’s worse is that we now may have radioactive jellyfish out there, gaining untold powers, maybe even superintelligence, or the ability to swim.

Have fun traveling the friendly, but dead skies

Luckily enough, zombies tend to be a ground based problem. Sure, we spend the majority of our time on the ground, but hey, as long as we’re not there, perhaps in the sky instead, that shouldn’t be too much of a problem.

Except now we’re giving them plane tickets.

A Swedish woman was recently given a refund of 50 percent of her plane ticket after spending her flight beside a corpse. Her seatmate, a mysterious man from Kenya, had been sweating and convulsing through the beginning of their flight to Tanzania, when after the flight had taken off, the man died.

How this man, a person who was clearly suffering from the effects of the Solanum, was allowed to buy a ticket, much less admitted onto the plane, thus putting all of the passengers and potentially more people below in danger, we’ll never know.

Women are both the cause and solution of Japanese work problems

According to figures put together by the 21st Century Public Policy Institute, a think tank linked to Japan’s Keidanren business federation, Japan might no longer fall among the world’s top economies by the year 2050. A shrinking and aging population and a decline in productivity are listed as factors influencing the downgrade.

The institute predicts that in a matter of 40 years Japan’s GDP could dip to about ⅙ that of China and the U.S, and ⅓ that of India. However, if policymakers could boost workforce participation by women to the same level seen in more gender-progressive countries such as Sweden, Japan could be the 4th largest economy by mid-century. The report states that if women did not quit their jobs due to marriage or childbirth, Japan’s workforce could see an increase of up to 4.5 million people in a matter of years.

Of course, achieving this goal would require a massive change in Japan’s corporate culture. That should be eezy-peezy.