Swedish town held hostage by huge rats

Believe it or not, there are still some people out there who don’t believe that we’re at war with the animals. They don’t like the idea that we’re locked in a battle for supremacy. We are literally battling for control of the world. And then the monsters come.

In Sweden, the residents of a town have been told to stay indoors because a pack of unusually large rats invaded. And by “unusually large” we mean the size of cats. The town of Sundsvall warned its residents to keep the doors and windows closed, and local schools held recess indoors because the monsters showed up.

These huge rats showed up because a new recycling center in town took away their habitat. Great, giant rats with a beef.

Have fun traveling the friendly, but dead skies

Luckily enough, zombies tend to be a ground based problem. Sure, we spend the majority of our time on the ground, but hey, as long as we’re not there, perhaps in the sky instead, that shouldn’t be too much of a problem.

Except now we’re giving them plane tickets.

A Swedish woman was recently given a refund of 50 percent of her plane ticket after spending her flight beside a corpse. Her seatmate, a mysterious man from Kenya, had been sweating and convulsing through the beginning of their flight to Tanzania, when after the flight had taken off, the man died.

How this man, a person who was clearly suffering from the effects of the Solanum, was allowed to buy a ticket, much less admitted onto the plane, thus putting all of the passengers and potentially more people below in danger, we’ll never know.

Women are both the cause and solution of Japanese work problems

According to figures put together by the 21st Century Public Policy Institute, a think tank linked to Japan’s Keidanren business federation, Japan might no longer fall among the world’s top economies by the year 2050. A shrinking and aging population and a decline in productivity are listed as factors influencing the downgrade.

The institute predicts that in a matter of 40 years Japan’s GDP could dip to about ⅙ that of China and the U.S, and ⅓ that of India. However, if policymakers could boost workforce participation by women to the same level seen in more gender-progressive countries such as Sweden, Japan could be the 4th largest economy by mid-century. The report states that if women did not quit their jobs due to marriage or childbirth, Japan’s workforce could see an increase of up to 4.5 million people in a matter of years.

Of course, achieving this goal would require a massive change in Japan’s corporate culture. That should be eezy-peezy.

Newest Highlander found in Sweden

Everyone thinks of Sweden in positive terms: IKEA, Swedish bikini teams, Malin Åkerman, etc. There’s now another aspect to add to that list: immortality.

A 45 year old man was apparently trapped in his car for two months. Why list him as a potential immortal? The upper limit on living without food is about one month. Now, there’s the possibility that his body went into a stasis of sort, putting himself into a self-imposed hibernation state, especially considering the temperature in the area had plummeted to 22 degrees below zero. But that’s a silly and farfetched idea. The most logical theory is that he’s a Highlander.

Considering I’m just a little under half his age, that must mean I’m nearly double the highlander he is. If you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a Scottish man badly pretending to be Spanish to find.

In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Torrents

Sweden — famous for their meatballs, erotica and competitive bikini-wearing (see image) — has recognized a new religion, the Church of Kopimism.

Kopimism — based on the Swedish words for “copy me” — is based partially on the belief that all information is sacred and, therefore, free to share a la Pirate Bay. (Another belief is that all communication is sacred should remain private.) Their new status as a recognized religion grants them protections in Sweden for violating copyrights.

The Guys think this is such a great idea that we’ve decided to found our own religion, the Church of Free Movies and Music and Stuff. Look for our upcoming Web site, which looks just like the Kopimists’ site, only with our name on top. We’ll probably clean up some of their meatballed English while we’re at it.

‘Bork bork bork’ is Swedish for ‘skeet skeet skeet’

Some of you savvier readers might remember Cryos International — the largest sperm bank in the world — turning down redhead and Scandinavian semen back in September. In response, Swedish scientists have released a study that may make Ole Schou reconsider his policy.

They found that Swedish men who donated sperm generally scored better in the screening process for being more responsible, confident and self-accepted than donors from other countries (like those shiftless Danes over at Cryos), thank you very much.

The researchers would be remiss, however, if they didn’t mention that Swedish sperm requires some assembly after purchase.

The future looms closer, and I’m left unhappy

I love the future. Everything about it sounded awesome when I was a kid. Everything about it looked awesome when I was a kid. I bet that everything about even would have smelled awesome when I was a kid.

But now, as an adult, I’m left downtrodden.

Oh, sure, we can have marvels here and there. I mean, just recently, a group of Swedish surgeons transplanted a windpipe that was artificially grown. Fantastic! We’re now officially one step closer to having a completely donor-less organ replacement society. Guys, that means you’ll no longer have to check that box when renewing your license just so you can brag about it to a girl in hopes of getting laid.

But we’re not in the future yet. Why? Because I don’t have access to my very own jet-pack. You lied to me, science! THIS IS THE FUTURE! I WANT MY GODDAMN JET-PACK!

Jesus has never been so cool

I come from a small town, and when it celebrated its 250th birthday about a decade or so ago, all that went down was a gathering of local merchants around the track field down in the football stadium at the then only high school in the town. That’s not very baller of a birthday gift for when you turn super duper old, right?

But Västerås, a town in Sweden? They know exactly what to give themselves. The town recently turned the grand old age of 40, so what did Västerås get Västerås? An ice sculpture of Jesus.

It makes sense, given that Sweden is so blasted cold, and as such, Ice Jesus should be able to stay around for some time; however, come the summer time, when the temperature starts hitting the high digits and Ice Jesus turns into Water Jesus, it’s gonna take a bit longer than 3 days for him to come back.

Rum barrel politics

It’s been nearly four years since we mentioned the Pirate party. Back then, it was mostly in Sweden. If you stop and think about it, they probably should have called it the Viking party. Regardless, there is a U.S. branch of the political movement, as we reported four years ago. (Just think, a Pirate president could have served a full term in that time.)

But now, for some reason, they’ve been spotted in Oregon for the first time in a while (video). In case you forgot, the party stands for a free, open internet and a great deal of rum. Sure, the Pirate party doesn’t seem to have websites as the state level, but if they did, that would just make it easier for the navy to hunt them down.

This fall, vote for swashbuckling. Vote Pirate.

Remember: Talk Like a Pirate Day is only a month away!