There’s panic in the streets of San Francisco, a city of normally-calm tech bros and Full House tourists. The chaos is coming from the water, and no swimmer is safe.
Sea lions are on the rampage, according to the National Parks Service. It’s gotten so bad that one popular swimming area had to be closed. Three swimmers have been attacked by sea lions in a single week. And no one can recall a single attack happening ever before.
It seems obvious that these monsters are rising up in a bid to overthrow humanity, as we knew they one day would.
Owls are bad enough as it is. They can watch things in a nearly 360-degree range, they’re deadly, and they always look like they’re judging you. But now it’s worse.
Apparently, you’re not even safe from owls in the water. In Chicago, an ordinary citizen captured video of a great horned owl doing the breast stroke on Lake Michigan. And it looks like a real jerk at the same time.
Everyone always talk about Wednesdays in relieved tones. Hump Day, they call it. Did Monday through Tuesday suck? Don’t worry! You only have the rest of Wednesday and all of Thursday and Friday to slog through (assuming your weekend plans don’t blow)! Don’t you feel better?
We here at SeriouslyGuys recognize that Wednesday being in the middle of what could very well be a personally sh**ty week — the molten cheesy taco meat core of a spicy burrito dump — does not relieve what has transpired and has yet to transpire.
Oh, hello there. I’m just here sitting back in my smoking jacket and enjoying a nice whiskey on the rocks (my third). You know, I’ve been thinking a lot about 2012. It really sucked, didn’t it? Stop and think about it for a minute, did anything good happen this year to anyone but Psy? Not really. However, it certainly was a wild, memorable ride. Perhaps it was the looming threat of the end of the world. It could be the heavy buzz I’ve got going, but I feel like looking back on the biggest stories of this year. Grab a drink and join me, won’t you?
Marianne Gingrich made her ex-husband, Newt, look even worse by dropping the bombshell that he wanted to have an open marriage. Apparently this is worse than asking your wife for a divorce when she’s recovering from cancer treatments in the hospital. Mitt Romney didn’t see what the big deal is–you can have more than one wife, right?
Also, they battle Hitler
In a story that can only end well, scientists in New York made “supersoldier” ants. I’m not really sure why this was so important to do, but now there are ants with really large heads. Their heads are so large that they are able to block the entrances to their nest when it comes under attack. Also, they do this really cool shield-throwing trick.
Equal time rule A year away from inauguration day, and President Barack Obama was out on the campaign trail. He was raising funds, and he’d do just about anything for your money. At The Apollo, he noted that Rev. Al Green was in the audience, and did his own version of “Let’s Stay Together,” well a few bars of it, anyway. And he’s got the chops for it, too. The American public got to hear his pipes more along the campaign trail when he sang “Red Solo Cup” in Missouri. Continue reading You Missed It: End of 2012 edition
You missed You Missed It, and You Missed It missed you, too. I hope all of you American readers out there enjoyed the day off. As for the international readers, well, too bad for you. If you were busy emerging out of Chapter 11 this week, odds are you missed it.
Lt. Gov. Sean Parnell is a hockey mom, too
We were off on Friday, as was the rest of the country. Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin knew it, too. That’s why she made the “gotcha media” show up in her back yard for a rambling announcement that she is stepping down from her post for the last 16 months of her term. Palin will step down at the end of the month to get back to her roots–feeling victimized and retooling her condescension.
Not an Olympic year
Real American Hero Lance Armstrong finished third in the seventh leg of the Tour de France, which is Spanish for “Tour of France on a bicycle.” Armstrong, whose blood is in fact red, white and blue, is chasing his 8th title in the month-long race. Meanwhile, Michael Phelps set a record in the butterfly event, and Honduras just won some international soccer tournament. There, I just saved you hours watching sports you don’t care about.
This was intentionally placed last Insane Passionate fans bade farewell to the King of Pop in Los Angeles earlier this week. In a massive ceremony, Jackson’s family urged for money, as the spectacle they created cost the bankrupt city $1.4 million. Don’t worry, Joe Jackson will be putting Jacko’s kids on tour in no time. They’ll work if they don’t want to be hit, right, Joe?
Sorry we missed each other last week. I had some work to do on sunny beaches of Hilton Head Island, South Carolina. You know how it is. I know you missed me, which is why I couldn’t tell you where I was going and let you follow me. I needed to concentrate on my work. But now I am back and we can can get down to business. If you were busy taking a break from your vows of celibacy, odds are you missed it.
Hubble gets an oil change, tire rotation every 5,000 orbits
Space Shuttle Atlantis blasted off this week on a mission to do some maintenance work on the Hubble Space Telescope. Astronauts are performing the work during a series of space walks. What they aren’t telling you is that they are really just readjusting the telescope so it can track the movements of that paranoid guy sitting at the end of your favorite bar, according to his ramblings. NASA has not confirmed or denied the claims as of yet.
If you ask me, she’s probably a controlling woman
Apparently Jon Gosselin was caught possibly cheating on his wife, Kate Gosselin last week and this week Kate could be cheating as well. This is bad news, because they have 10 children and a lot of paparazzi cameras pointed at them. Interview after interview has alluded to the possibility of ending their marriage. In other news, who the hell and Jon and Kate Gosselin?
Phelps released back into the wild
His suspension up, Olympic hero and part time stoner Michael Phelps got back in the pool Friday. Swimming, easily the most popular sport in the U.S., seems to have welcomed him back, too. Phelps said he was happing to be racing again, but what he really needed right then was to shower and change then head to this totally sick party his friend was hosting. Phelps said plenty of alcohol and loose women would be available.
As we have been covering recently, the Olympics have begun and the world has come together to compete on the field of sports. Nations have gathered to cheer on their athletes in the interest of seeing their country do the best, and watching underage people in tight clothing.
I know that it may come as a shock to some people, but a lot of the atheletes in the Olympics are only teenagers. If you can’t tell, just wait until they are interviewed and count the number of times you hear the word “like.” Many of these youngsters are in gymnastics, a few are even in diving events. The U.K. has a kid on its team, in which event I cannot remember, and he is 13. Yes, he looks like Harry Potter. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Olympic creepiness