Don’t kill yourself planning this year’s vacation

It was a close call, but we almost lost the world’s premier euthadestination: Switzerland.

The Swiss conservative Federal Democratic Union party and Christian groups lost a referendum vote to end assisted suicide for foreign visitors. 80 percent of Swiss voters depend on the FDU-dubbed “suicide tourism” industry, which is the neutral nation’s only means of competition with other European hotspots like Amsterdam’s marijuana and sex tourism and France’s “go ahead and take Paris, we weren’t really using it anyway” tourism.

So, when you think you can’t take your spouse, kids and job anymore, think Switzerland.

No new minuets!

Muslim countries are not typically known for their love of dancing, that title is normally reserved for Western countries with access to drugs that make it possible for everyone to dance. However, the Swiss are tired of the minuets, and are in fact proposing a ban of the 17th century music and the dance that accompanies it.

What’s more mysterious than why the Swiss suddenly don’t want any new minuets written is why this is apparently going to cause tensions with Muslim countries. They claim that minuets could “serve the interests of extremist circles.”

This means that al Qaeda members may now be more easily spotted. Watch out for the powdered wigs.

The finely-made watch is ticking on Switzerland’s doom

Last week, Libyan leader and noted crazy person Omar Gaddafi made a rambling speech in front of the United Nations. Most of the speech was just a bunch of nutty ideas, but the dictator did make a good point: what the hell is Switzerland for?

Gaddafi, who looks like Antonio Banderas after a bender, suggested that Switzerland be divided up among other European countries (because that plan always works) and be done with that pesky, neutral nation. What are the Swiss good for, anyway? We know how to make their cheese, their military sold the rights to their famous knife tools, hell, we even use the inverted colors of their flag as the world symbol for “don’t shoot at me.”

Yodeling–that’s what we’re left with. Suck it, Swiss!

Pardon me, is that your walking stick?

Were you planning on that vacation to the Swiss Alps this summer so you could go hiking in the nude? A lot of people were. Sadly, there are going to be a lot of disappointed naked people, because Switzerland has declared a ban on nude hiking.

Yes, local Swiss people voted for a ban of nude hiking in their area because a lot of, you guessed it, Germans have been trekking through the area wearing nothing but the pack on their backs. Violators will be fined the equivalent of $176.

So there! Let it be known that if you want to hike naked, you will be punished with more than just sore feet and bug bites in places you had not thought about in a while.

Now THAT’S science!

You won't like them when they're angry.Perhaps the French and Swiss have had enough of being referred to as Europe’s darling little debutantes, because they’ve got us all scared now.

A team of scientists from both countries are ready to flip the switch on the world’s largest collider, an atom-smasher, just to see what happens. Possible results include:

  • Showing us invisible matter.
  • Revealing other dimensions.
  • Spawning a black hole that will swallow the Earth.
  • Torching the Earth with particles known as strangelets.
  • Dog and cat cohabitation.

Of course, there’s one side effect that wasn’t mentioned by either concerned party or the article: massive worldwide orgies on the day it’s turned on. You know we’re stocking up on flavored massage oil.