European phones are the weirdest

Milk isn’t always a bad choice, but it can be difficult, especially for the cows that are making it. Thanks to the dairy substance, people don’t accurately know when it’s time for brown chicken-brown cow for the cows! Heavens to Betsy!

But the Swiss, they’re always on top of things, such as knives and watches. And now text messages.

Because a Swiss farmer has implanted a sensor in his cows to notify him when they’re in heat with a strong accuracy rate. Or, in layman’s terms, the cows’ vaginas will buzz his phone with a text message (in multiple languages, no less). It’s like a booty call for cows … sort of.

Those are definitely sentences I never once thought I’d write.

Don’t kill yourself planning this year’s vacation

It was a close call, but we almost lost the world’s premier euthadestination: Switzerland.

The Swiss conservative Federal Democratic Union party and Christian groups lost a referendum vote to end assisted suicide for foreign visitors. 80 percent of Swiss voters depend on the FDU-dubbed “suicide tourism” industry, which is the neutral nation’s only means of competition with other European hotspots like Amsterdam’s marijuana and sex tourism and France’s “go ahead and take Paris, we weren’t really using it anyway” tourism.

So, when you think you can’t take your spouse, kids and job anymore, think Switzerland.

Future Friday!

Ladies and gentlemen, it took 10 years and careful pronunciation of this year, but it is finally here: the future, today.

Radioactive Mutant Animals!

After drinking water at a demolished nuclear weapons lab, a killer radioactive mutant rabbit went bonkers in Washington state! And what do radioactive rabbits do? They poop. Everywhere.

Officials are still tracking down the bunny’s highly dangerous fallout.


No, seriously: jetpacks. Jetpacks with Buzz Lightyear wings.

It may be a Swiss jetpack, but it’s a goddamn jetpack.

Boner Recall!

We’re not sure if there’s a porno based on Total Recall that goes by this title, but there should be.

Otherwise, it’s just a recall of erection pills, and that’s just dystopian.

End of the world not so bad after all

We’re no fans of science, least of all the Large Hadron Collider, which we assume collides hadrons, and is rather large in size. On the other hand, we’re no fans of animals, either.

That is why we are torn over recent events in Switzerland. There, a bird dropped a piece of a baguette (damn you, Frenchies!) into the LHC. On the one hand the bird stopped science temporarily from destroying the world. On the other hand, it’s a bird.

Really, it’s as simple as this: if the world ends, there will be no more animals. Science wins this round.

The finely-made watch is ticking on Switzerland’s doom

Last week, Libyan leader and noted crazy person Omar Gaddafi made a rambling speech in front of the United Nations. Most of the speech was just a bunch of nutty ideas, but the dictator did make a good point: what the hell is Switzerland for?

Gaddafi, who looks like Antonio Banderas after a bender, suggested that Switzerland be divided up among other European countries (because that plan always works) and be done with that pesky, neutral nation. What are the Swiss good for, anyway? We know how to make their cheese, their military sold the rights to their famous knife tools, hell, we even use the inverted colors of their flag as the world symbol for “don’t shoot at me.”

Yodeling–that’s what we’re left with. Suck it, Swiss!

Fish will totally eat you if they’re given the chance

It’s sad to think, but it’s true-we are clearly living in a bad M. Night Shyamalan movie.

Okay, sorry, I realize that the word “bad” is redundant when used in that description. Nonetheless, it’s true. Fish in Switzerland are not only somehow growing to immense proportions (I assume that they are-the metric is completely indecipherable to me, after all), but they’re now attacking humans.

Let me rephrase that-they were. An enormous zander, a freshwater fish, was caught in a Swiss lake after having been terrorizing swimmers. Luckily, this story has a happy ending. Not only was it caught with a harpoon (which Captain Ahab has taught us is the most manliest of ways to fish) rather than a wussy net, the monster was then served up to tourists at the lake. Sure, they might grow slightly larger in the next coming months and experience possible increased levels of aggression, but bollocks to that!

Justice truly must be delicious.

Pardon me, is that your walking stick?

Were you planning on that vacation to the Swiss Alps this summer so you could go hiking in the nude? A lot of people were. Sadly, there are going to be a lot of disappointed naked people, because Switzerland has declared a ban on nude hiking.

Yes, local Swiss people voted for a ban of nude hiking in their area because a lot of, you guessed it, Germans have been trekking through the area wearing nothing but the pack on their backs. Violators will be fined the equivalent of $176.

So there! Let it be known that if you want to hike naked, you will be punished with more than just sore feet and bug bites in places you had not thought about in a while.

Wouldn’t the summer be a better time?

Switzerland. It’s home for many things: cheese, chocolate, bank accounts to mercenaries all over the world, and now, naked hiking.

Yes, hiking in the Swiss canton of Appenzell-Innerrhoden in the buff has apparently become all the rage, and like all rages, the local constabulary aim to put an end to it. NOW. Individuals that take nude constitutionals better carry a little green on them, as police are now facing on the spot fines if caught*.

This blogger just raises one small question: wouldn’t it be more preferable to hike naked in Switzerland during the spring or summer?

*This is different from a bribe, as it usually costs more. Smart hikers are advised to carry enough cash for both on them, just in case.

Rich virgin boys to run from Switzerland to Apple’s open arms

The Swiss government is working hard to protect children from the evils of pornography … by banning pornography on all mobile devices. Why is a general ban necessary? Why, because if anyone’s allowed to get mobile porn, those crafty teenagers will find a way to get their hands on it! Totally sound logic all around–until, of course, you get the urge to watch highlights from the Swiss women’s Olympic volleyball team. Won’t someone stop thinking of the children and begin to think of the parents?

But wait–we’re not done with perverted cellphone news quite yet.

As if you couldn’t see enough actual boobs on your iPhone, some genius nerd geek virgin scary Japanese programmer Machead has created an application that actually allows you to touch and fondle them!

Or, maybe, just the outline of a boob, that is.

OK, so maybe it’s just a line.

But still: it’s a boob! And even if a bouncy little blob that responds to fingertip touch but lacks any definable features of a real breast gets less interesting the more you play with it, it’s wonderful to know that boob physics are alive and well—as are the stunning lengths that Apple fanboys will go to in order to grope a hot rack. No matter how digital it may be. And, since, in theory, it’s an application, that means that it’s free. Will the Swiss government put the kibosh on one of the hottest selling phones in the world (and by world, I mean the United States)?

Crappy art threatens Switzerland

American modern art strikes again! However, fear not if it hits a fan-it’s art, after all.

By the way:

A giant inflatable dog turd by American artist Paul McCarthy blew away from an exhibition in the garden of a Swiss museum, bringing down a power line and breaking a greenhouse window before it landed again, the museum said Monday.

If that’s not the most surreal sentence you’ve ever read, then I don’t know what is.