Scientists teach robot to hunt, edge us toward Judgment Day

We don’t need to tell you that the world is full of evil, and by “evil,” we mean scientists. And those evildoers are actively working to enslave humanity by training killer robots. That’s not paranoia, they’re actually doing it.

Researchers taught a robot to hunt prey. It should come as no surprise that these scientists hail from the war-hungry nation of Switzerland. They programmed the robot to track its “prey,” a human-controlled robot. So not only will the machines be able to hunt us down, they will know to take out the robots we use to combat them.

This is unquestionably the most flagrant effort to doom humanity yet.

The best part of waking up

Unless you’re a banker or cheese enthusiast, you’ve probably never felt the urge to travel to Switzerland. After a new cafe opens in Geneva, you may actually consider moving there.

A full-service cafe is in the works for the city, and by “full service,” we mean, “full-service.” Coffee enthusiasts would be able to enjoy their morning cup accompanied by oral sex from the prostitute of their choice. The business plan is sure to keep them coming back. Order your unusually expensive coffee, then select on an iPad the prostitute you want for your new favorite morning ritual. The cafe would be the first of its kind in Switzerland if it is approved.

The down side is that the cafe is sure to have long lines due to slow service.

To defeat our enemies we must become them

We use drones to spy on them, and robots to blend in with them, but not since Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls have we earnestly attempted to become an animal in order to surveil them. Finally, people are doing just that.

In Switzerland, a researcher has transformed himself into a goat with the use of prosthetics. He even had financial backing by the U.K. government for the development of his suit. Such advancements allowed him to spend three days with a herd of goats in the Alps. Hopefully the intel bears fruit.

And speaking of bears, here in the U.S., decided to mess with some grizzlies. In Alaska, a man wore a realistic bear costume to spook a grizzly bear and two cubs were trying to catch their salmon dinner. The man was jumping around, and got within a few feet of the cubs. Not only did the man survive, but he escaped arrest, too.

Venezuelan golfers may lead their country to war with Swiss

Things are tense right now in Venezuela, as golf balls could trigger an international incident.

Switzerland and Venezuela, natural enemies for as long as anyone can remember, appear to be on the brink of war because people can’t keep their drives in the fairway. The Swiss ambassador’s residence has been pelted with golf balls because it borders a hole at the Caracas Country Club. The ambassador has warned Venezuela that the Swiss people will not tolerate such an affront to their national pride, going to far as to post a sign warning that should an errant golf ball injure or kill anyone in Swiss territory, it would violate the Vienna Convention.

These are dark days. Let us all hope that the traditionally hawkish Swiss cool down, and Venezuelan golfers improve their aim.

One man’s pet is another man’s apetizer

If you think what the Swiss do to puppies and kitties is wrong, you should see what they do when they're not allowed to hunt them anymore.
If you think what the Swiss do to puppies and kitties is wrong, you should see what they do when they’re not allowed to hunt them anymore.

Swiss animal rights activists are lobbying whatever passes for government in Neutral Chocolateland to ban the cooking and eating of dogs and cats. That’s right: if you ever wondered how a country could hide Nazi treasure and sleep at night, it is from the itis that sets in after grinding dogs into sausage and serving cats for Christmas. (Just 23 days left until your fancy feast, so hang in there, baby!)

If you’re a stranger to the site, then you probably expect us to follow the usual Twitter/Tumblr/Mommy Blogging line of eating pets is wrong. Wrong. We are at war with animals. We have always been at war with animals. And we will always be at war with animals because they are dangerous and tasty, like a stripper in withdrawal carrying a switchblade.

That’s why we are breaking ranks with our fellow Social Media Justice Warriors to say that it is dangerous to simply stop eating an animal just because somebody somewhere is cuddled up with one right now by a warm fire. Or luring it out of a Christmas tree. What’s next? Not eating ponies, just because little girls have a hard-on for them? Neigh to not eating animals, we say. Not meow, not ever.

The Swiss continue to be namby-pambies

In the United States, snakes are nothing to us. Nothing. Sure, some might be poisonous, but ultimately, they’re a low priority in the war on animals.

We’ve clearly lost the land of Switzerland to the animals, as they can’t handle a single snake. A small snake managed to make its way into the ventilation shaft of a train in Switzerland, causing the entire train to have to be evacuated. No. That will not do. Toughen up Switzerland. That’s an order from the front lines.

European phones are the weirdest

Milk isn’t always a bad choice, but it can be difficult, especially for the cows that are making it. Thanks to the dairy substance, people don’t accurately know when it’s time for brown chicken-brown cow for the cows! Heavens to Betsy!

But the Swiss, they’re always on top of things, such as knives and watches. And now text messages.

Because a Swiss farmer has implanted a sensor in his cows to notify him when they’re in heat with a strong accuracy rate. Or, in layman’s terms, the cows’ vaginas will buzz his phone with a text message (in multiple languages, no less). It’s like a booty call for cows … sort of.

Those are definitely sentences I never once thought I’d write.

Don’t kill yourself planning this year’s vacation

It was a close call, but we almost lost the world’s premier euthadestination: Switzerland.

The Swiss conservative Federal Democratic Union party and Christian groups lost a referendum vote to end assisted suicide for foreign visitors. 80 percent of Swiss voters depend on the FDU-dubbed “suicide tourism” industry, which is the neutral nation’s only means of competition with other European hotspots like Amsterdam’s marijuana and sex tourism and France’s “go ahead and take Paris, we weren’t really using it anyway” tourism.

So, when you think you can’t take your spouse, kids and job anymore, think Switzerland.

Future Friday!

Ladies and gentlemen, it took 10 years and careful pronunciation of this year, but it is finally here: the future, today.

Radioactive Mutant Animals!

After drinking water at a demolished nuclear weapons lab, a killer radioactive mutant rabbit went bonkers in Washington state! And what do radioactive rabbits do? They poop. Everywhere.

Officials are still tracking down the bunny’s highly dangerous fallout.

Jetpacks!

No, seriously: jetpacks. Jetpacks with Buzz Lightyear wings.

It may be a Swiss jetpack, but it’s a goddamn jetpack.

Boner Recall!

We’re not sure if there’s a porno based on Total Recall that goes by this title, but there should be.

Otherwise, it’s just a recall of erection pills, and that’s just dystopian.

End of the world not so bad after all

We’re no fans of science, least of all the Large Hadron Collider, which we assume collides hadrons, and is rather large in size. On the other hand, we’re no fans of animals, either.

That is why we are torn over recent events in Switzerland. There, a bird dropped a piece of a baguette (damn you, Frenchies!) into the LHC. On the one hand the bird stopped science temporarily from destroying the world. On the other hand, it’s a bird.

Really, it’s as simple as this: if the world ends, there will be no more animals. Science wins this round.