The Niña, the Pinta and the — Santa María, that burns!

It’s been nearly 65 years since Alphonse “Scarface” Capone died in Alcatraz in the middle of a then-historic sentence of 11 years for tax evasion. It was the best authorities could do since they couldn’t convict him of the many murders, racketeering and bootlegging that had been attributed over the years. But, it looks like somebody dished out a little prison justice, sapping Capone’s physical and mental faculties with chronic syphilis. And that someone? Christopher Columbus.

Scientists believe they have found evidence that proves the controversial “discoverer” of the New Wyrlde also brought home a scorching case of the clap, then unknown in the Olde Wyrlde. It spread quickly from sailors in port towns because, well, that’s what they do earl-eye in the mornin’.

So, there you have it. Chris Columbus redeems himself the teensiest-tiniest bit, Al Capone dies embarrassingly of venereal disease and Native Americans get some revenge for those small pox blankets. Happy Friday? Happy Friday.

Clap if you believe in chlamydia

Thanks to quite a few of you out there, chlamydia and syphilis — which were supposed to be almost extinct — are making a comeback.

The U.S. Center for Disease Control reports that the number of chlamydia and syphilis cases are up for the third time in a row, and gonerrhea and AIDS are tagging along for the ride.

In fact, 2007 was a banner year for chlamydia: a record 1.1 million cases, and that’s only the ones we’ve counted. (The CDC estimates another 1 to 1.5 million cases go unreported.) This once endangered species is flourishing again, so much that the CDC is reopenning hunting seasons for it.

So, congratulations to all of you conversationalists and thank you for your dedication to barebacking it. Perhaps in a few year, we will once again see majestic crab-lice herds stomping through the prairies of the American heartland!