T. rex puppet not allowed to take enlistment oath, Army says

Clever girl.

The right to dinosaur arms has been infringed upon in Tennessee, we are sad to report.

The Tennessee National Guard has two jobs: two guard the border with Kentucky, and to bring sand bags when Nashville floods. It’s a very serious job, and the state Air National Guard takes it so seriously that it posted a video of a re-enlistment ceremony where the service member had a T. rex puppet on her hand.

Master Sgt. Robin Brown is a part of the Tennessee Air National Guard’s public affairs office — at least she was until the video of her re-enlistment got some negative feedback. The U.S. Army, typically known for its sense of humor, has pulled Brown off of public affairs, and even demoted the colonel who administered the oath her Brown and her dinosaur.

They said it was for mocking an honored tradition, but really, it’s because of the awful attempt at ventriloquism.

It’s legal to dress like a T. rex, court rules

There’s a lot of bad news out there lately, and not just that pretty much every famous guy is a sex monster. But it’s in these dark times that the light of good news shines even brighter. That’s why we’re happy to report that you can scare horses by wearing a dinosaur costume and the law won’t stop you.

Last summer, a woman in Charleston, South Carolina was accused of dressing up in a T. rex costume and scaring some horses pulling a carriage carrying 16 tourists. The incident caused the driver to fall from the carriage and break his foot, however, none of the tourists were hurt.

City prosecutors this week dropped the charges against the woman, effectively conceding that it is A-OK to dress up like a dinosaur and scare animals. Use this knowledge wisely.

T. Rex more dangerous than claymation previously indicated

If you’ve been planning a time travel jaunt to the Cretaceous period, don’t. And don’t let the Tyrannosaurus Rex’s comically short arms fool you: its mouth is capable of “between 7,868 and 12,814 pounds-force,” or “having a medium-size elephant sit on you.”

This already brings up a non-time travel warning, do not — for the love of god — let a medium-sized elephant sit on you. That’s like a bite from a T. Rex, which you would understand if you attempted time tra —

Oh, god. We’ve opened a time travel logic paradox. Sorry about your universe. We just wanted you to be safe.

Just try getting a dentist in the Cretaceous era

We all know that a super asteroid powered along the space ways by the time traveling voice of Steven Tyler killed most of the dinosaurs. But what about Tyrannosaurus rex?

Turns out he probably should’ve flossed a bit more. You know, with the those hilariously tiny arms that they had.

Tee-hee! Hilariously tiny arms! Every time a tyrannosaurus has an itch, it’s like a scene out of a sitcom!