Pol aiming for Pole’s poles at polls

Polish singer Sara May (a.k.a. Katarzyna Szczolekis) is running for a Warsaw district council seat, and she’s found just the means to win Maxim international votes. Her latest campaign posters feature her in a bikini, lounging on the sand and captioned, “Beautiful, independent, competent.”

Hailing from the country that brought back democracy after the Greeks ran it into the ground, we’d like to say that this is a disgrace and should cost her the election, but it worked in Massachusetts.

Pond scum … in … spaaaaaaaace

Dear Mister President Sir Obama: please do not exterminalate NASA yet. We may very well need them sooner than we think.

Reportedly, pond scum has been found on Mars. Pond scum, the building blocks of life (okay, not really), was discovered on a secret mission to the red planet. A secret mission. What does this mean?

ALIENS ARE ATTEMPTING TO TAKE OVER OUR WATER SUPPLY. Do not be surprised if we eventually hear an announcement stating “IM IN UR DAM KILLING ALL UR AMOEBAS.”

Now, obviously, since the origin of this is a tabloid, it’s advised to take this news with a heaping helping of salt. Just make sure to save some so that we can dry out the pond scum alienoids. It could be our only way to fight back.

There is nothing about this story that I don’t like

The headline? Love it.

The byline? Love it.

The credible source? Love it.

The source of the story? Love it.

Why do I love it? Because, according to the story, UFO experts tell us that aliens are attacking our sheep. I’d repeat that sentence, but, well, sometimes the proof is just in the pudding.

October movie audiences will be uncomfortable

On October 24, two movies will be released simultaneously. That’s not so awkward; movies get released on the same day all the time.

Unfortunately, one of these movies stars Angelina Jolie and the other stars Jennifer Anniston. That’s right: no matter where you fall in the Brad Pitt love triangle contention, there will be the other woman. On the one hand, Angelina is unrivaled in beauty, like Brad. On the other hand, Brad’s mother loved Jen!

But aside from the movie theater anxiety that’s only exceeded in the supermarket checkout line while discussing the tabloids, there’s an issue of the titles of their movies.

Angelina will appear in Changeling, which is presumably about a child not raised by its birth parents.

Jennifer will appear in He’s Just Not That Into You, which just reminds us that you deserved better than him, Jen! The pretty ones will just break your heart! Stay strong, and maybe eat something. We love you!*

*Except McBournie. He doesn’t care about celebrities until they’re dead.

Why would Universal Pictures and Warner Bros. do this to us and Jen? How about they just agree to release on alternative weekends? He’s Just Not That Into You would be perfect for the October 24th premier, and Changeling can debut on October Thirty-Never. (Call us, Jen!)