You Missed It: End of 2012 edition

It's how I do my thinking.
It’s how I do my thinking.

Oh, hello there. I’m just here sitting back in my smoking jacket and enjoying a nice whiskey on the rocks (my third). You know, I’ve been thinking a lot about 2012. It really sucked, didn’t it? Stop and think about it for a minute, did anything good happen this year to anyone but Psy? Not really. However, it certainly was a wild, memorable ride. Perhaps it was the looming threat of the end of the world. It could be the heavy buzz I’ve got going, but I feel like looking back on the biggest stories of this year. Grab a drink and join me, won’t you?

January:

Swingin’ Gingrich
Marianne Gingrich made her ex-husband, Newt, look even worse by dropping the bombshell that he wanted to have an open marriage. Apparently this is worse than asking your wife for a divorce when she’s recovering from cancer treatments in the hospital. Mitt Romney didn’t see what the big deal is–you can have more than one wife, right?

Also, they battle Hitler
In a story that can only end well, scientists in New York made “supersoldier” ants. I’m not really sure why this was so important to do, but now there are ants with really large heads. Their heads are so large that they are able to block the entrances to their nest when it comes under attack. Also, they do this really cool shield-throwing trick.

Equal time rule
A year away from inauguration day, and President Barack Obama was out on the campaign trail. He was raising funds, and he’d do just about anything for your money. At The Apollo, he noted that Rev. Al Green was in the audience, and did his own version of “Let’s Stay Together,” well a few bars of it, anyway. And he’s got the chops for it, too. The American public got to hear his pipes more along the campaign trail when he sang “Red Solo Cup” in Missouri. Continue reading You Missed It: End of 2012 edition

I think our country is loco

A few years ago, Patton Oswalt created a bit based off of the KFC Famous Bowls. On his most recent album, he updated the bit, stating that KFC announced that the Famous Bowls were their most successful selling product ever. He wept for our nation.

Now, I weep for our nation, as Taco Bell has announced that their Doritos Locos Tacos is the largest and most successful product launch for the company ever. This is just a scant two months after their launch. Just what is the sales number for an item to qualify for such characteristics?

100 million. As in number sold.

What is wrong with you people? Why do you eat such items? Someone needs to wipe my wet eyes with their cheese-powder dusted fingers.

He should’ve ordered a chalupa

Hey, travelers, if you’re going to be out of town, make sure you have the proper form of identification, not identi-food-cation.

*Fun Fact:
Most places in the United States of America require two forms of state-issued government identification. Examples are a Driver’s License, a Learner’s Permit, a Picture ID or a chalupa. Ranch chalupas, however, are not acceptable.

Taco-gate Part 35: The Refusal to End

Just when you thought it might actually be over…

Taco Bell is really not letting this whole beef lawsuit controversy go.

Taco Bell demanded an apology. Now, as it awaits said apology, Taco Bell thinks it deserves even more, and is considering counter-suing. Taco Bell CEO Greg Creed says that the company started the year off very strong but the consequences of the beef lawsuit resulted in a slower quarter, and that Taco Bell is suffering from the bad publicity.

SG gets what they’re trying to do here, we really do, but frankly, it feels a little like beating a dead horse at this point. Speaking of dead horses, we’re not going to say you can find them in Taco Bell meat, but we might just heavily imply it.

Punishment Bell

Ever since the life-changing and reality-altering decision made by Beasley Allen to drop their lawsuit against Taco Bell, the entire world has gone topsy-turvy.

Taco Bell now demands satisfaction! The fast food chain would like an apology from the folks who brought (and then eventually withdrew) the lawsuit against them that claimed their meat mixture was less than 35 percent beef. “Would It Kill You to Say You’re Sorry?” asks the ad Taco Bell has now launched in newspapers across the country. The request is understandable enough, as damage control is expensive, and the fast-food giant has spent millions in an ad campaign bolstering up its image as a result of the lawsuit.

No word has been released regarding if Taco Bell has donned white gloves and walked to the Beasley Allen headquarters carrying a wooden box containing two single-shot pistols.

This post contains only 30% new news

Remember the lawsuit filed against Taco Bell that claimed the fast-food giant’s seasoned beef was, well, less than all beef? Turns out the lawsuit’s been dropped.

Taco Bell always contended that the lawsuit was “absolutely wrong.” And the company spent a total of $7 million dollars in advertising to drive the point home that their seasoned meat is 88% beef.

Guess it worked. Beasley Allen, the law firm that filed the suit, said the marketing and product disclosure that Taco Bell offered changed their minds, and they withdrew the suit. While it seems that all they wanted was for chalupa-loving customers to know that 12% of the meat in their sandwich was beef-free, because I don’t care much for math, I have no idea how to figure out just how much actual beef is in the double decker taco. Twenty-four percent? Six percent? Fifty majillion? Yeah, that sounds about right.

A standoff that began with a run for the border

According to a survey published in the BMC Psychiatry journal, mentally ill patients are more likely to be obese or overweight than patients with physiological disorders.

This may help explain why a San Antonio, Tex., man attacked a Taco Bell with an air gun and a semiautomatic assault rifle and pistol over the price increase on Beefy Crunch Burritos. He discovered the beefy crunchy hike from 99 cents to $1.49 after ordering seven of them.

The good news is that, after a three-hour standoff with the SWAT team, we can all have a hearty laugh about this. Unless of course, you, dear reader, planned to buy 30 burritos for $30 at lunch today.

Taco Fight Night, presented by Comcast

As we reported on Tuesday, an Alabama law firm is suing Taco Bell over the actual beef content of their beef, all alleging that it is only 35 percent actual beef.

Things look grim for Bell. But then, two days later, they’ve announced they’re swinging back with a countersuit against the firm, claiming that their beef is 88 percent beefy.

Both sides are claiming to have studies and science on their side. Only a legal battle can settle this … and our bloodlust.

It’s a Taco Fight, ladies and gentlemen! We’ve got ourselves a Taco Fight.

‘Beefy’ is a state of mind, really

MacDonald’s maple syrup crisis may be over, but there’s a new fast food battle looming on the horizon.

A Montgomery, Alabama-based law firm is suing Taco Bell for their egregious use of the word “beef” to describe their brown-flavored meat filling. According to the firm’s test results, the mixture is only 35 percent beef, which is about 35 percent more beef than we ever suspected was inside of it.

Taco Bell is already gearing up their defense, and they’re opting for the “Miracle on 34th Street”: “We’re happy that the millions of customers we serve every week agree.”

That’s right: if enough people say it’s beef, then what choice does the government have but to agree?

[via John Papageorgio]

Fast food is fast rising in foreign countries

Kentucky Fried Chicken, Taco Bell and Pizza Hut, all owned by Pepsi spinoff Yum! Brands, are gaining ground on McDonalds in China, India and Russia. With 37,000 restaurants in 110 countries, Yum! is the world’s largest restaurant chain in terms of outlets and its growing in popularity overseas, bringing in more money every year. That’s a lot of saturated fat.

Yum! opened its first KFC in China, near the infamous Tiananmen Square, 23 years ago, and its decision to hit the ground early in China (McDonalds opened in China in 1990) has given it an edge over the competition.

The company has more than 70 KFCs in India and 160 Pizza Huts, which sort of makes sense. In a country that (essentially) shuns the consumption of beef, giving a trans-fat filled alternative is a fairly smart idea. The company says it will have 1,000 outlets by 2015, employing 50,000 people around the world and bringing in $100 million in profits. Hope you’ve got a hankering for triple protein pizza sauce bun-sticks.