Taco Bell aims to be No. 1 supplier of Mexican-flavored food poisoning again

White seats in a fast food taco joint? You flew too close to the sun, Taco Bell.
White seats in a fast food taco joint? You flew too close to the sun, Taco Bell. Have you seen your Doritos- dusted sharts?

With Chipotle looking more vulnerable than ever, Taco Bell believes that the norovirus could do for fast food what it did for trains and air travel against cruise lines. The most successful restaurant chain to appear in Demolition Man is testing new store formats to convince diners to stay in for dinner, not just try to sound sober enough to use the drive-thru at 2 am.

And why not? Remember when our taco-flavored barf only cost $1 per taco? We can live that beautiful dream again, thanks to the miracle of interior design.

The first rule ’bout Taco Bell Club be there be no speakin’ o’ Taco Bell Club

Avast! We be in for stormy waters ahead, and anybody that be makin’ a run for the border best be wary o’ what time their ship be a-sailin’.

Ye already be aware o’ those patronizing the lost land of Taco Bell be some of the worst landlubbers that ever set foot, but the case may be e’en worse. One spot in that cursed isle be turnin’ itself into a land full o’ fights for lass and lads once the sun be halfway through its job.

Now, ye may be drawin’ a conclusion that we at the good ship SeriouslyGuys be all for such a location. Ye be wrong. See, pirates be believin’ not in much, but we do have some rules when it comes to brawlin’ and rough-housin’. We have it on good authority that these children be refusin’ to do two t’ings:

  1. No arms be akimbo when they line up for a duel.
  2. Duel weapons be consistin’ o’ flintlocks and swords, not hot sauce.

It’s simply disgraceful.

‘Tis only one conclusion that ye need be drawin’: Taco Bell be full o’ bilge rats.

Taco Bell customers are still the worst

How many of you have seen Falling Down? In one scene in the movie, Michael Douglas’ character is just late enough to a McDonald’s that they’ve switched from their breakfast menu to their lunch menu. Douglas proceeds to shoot into the ceiling with a machine gun he has on hand (you have to see the movie) while venting his frustration. The point is that the guy, despite may having a bad day, is an a-hole for doing such a thing. It’s just a McMuffin.

Taco Bell customers are just the same, if not worse (warning: autoplay). In Tucson this past weekend, because of a woman’s order, the menu switched from breakfast to lunch menu. This infuriated the couple in the drive-thru behind her. They proceeded to hunt her down, scream obscenities at her and attack her.

No matter what Taco Bell says, their food is not worth the meat paste gun it’s caulked out of, much less worth coming to blows over. It’s still horrible food.

You Missed It: Martial law edition

Farewell. I always thought "Death to Smoochy" was underrated.
Farewell. I always thought “Death to Smoochy” was underrated.

Robin Williams died this week. There’s no punchline. He took his own life for some reason, widely suspected to be related to his battle with depression. It doesn’t make sense how such a force of humor and kindness could end alone and sad. He had a bigger role in the formation of my sense of humor than I realized until now, even going back to re-runs of Mork and Mindy as a kid. Millions have stories they could tell about how he touched their lives. I’m planning on trying to focus on all the great things he did with his life, rather than they way he took it, just as I’ve grown to admire his entire career, rather than focus on his terrible accent in Good Will Hunting. If you were busy dumping a bucket of ice water over your head this week, odds are you missed it.

The Don’t Shoot Me State
The St. Louis suburb of Ferguson, Missouri has seen countless protests–not all of them peaceful–after an unarmed black teenager was shot and killed by a white police officer. The Ferguson Police Department responded to the protests by suiting up in camouflage and body armor, rolling around town in armored vans and brandishing automatic rifles, which some saw as excessive for any police force to have in the first place. Ferguson Police Thomas Jackson denied his department was militarized, and took off in his F/A-18 fighter jet before the press could ask any other questions.

Mellowing for two centuries
This week, scientists determined that a bottle found on a 200-year-old shipwreck in the Baltic Sea just off of Poland contains alcohol. The stoneware bottle was found still sealed tight, and the booze hadn’t turned to vinegar. The contents are estimated to be 14 percent alcohol, or 28 proof. Researchers believe that based on the chemical composition, the booze was watered down, which leads me to believe that the Polish don’t know how to drink.

Stroll to the border
Taco Bell announced this week that it is planning to open an upscale Tex-Mex joint in California called U.S. Taco Co., apparently not caring to spend money on coming up with a name. The restaurant seeks to tap into the foodie world, and if it’s successful, more may open across the country. Man, I cannot wait for a Belgian waffle taco.

Fast food tacos have no sh*ts left to give

Fast food taco huts are just America's next Waffle House: a perfect end to a late night adventure/contract herpes from corn-based products.
Taco huts are just America’s next Waffle House: a perfect way to contract herpes from corn-based products at the end of a late night adventure.

If you think our nation’s Mexican-themed fast food places are pushovers just because they fold up the same three ingredients for different prices, think again.

One late night pushy Taco Bell customer ate lukewarm stainless steel after harassing an employee at 4 am. According to police, the employee shot the enraged 4th-mealer with a BB gun after the two fought in the parking lot.

And, if the salsa doesn’t give you a weird feeling in your stomach at Chipotle, how about two people having sex on top of it? (OK, so it was on the roof, 6 feet over the salsa. But still: nas-tay.) They were arrested and charged with indecent exposure, lewdness, loitering, resisting arrest (they tried to run) and conspiracy. Police would not confirm if the conspiracy was to steer more people to Moe’s, the least sexy burrito Subway in the world.

One thing is clear from both situations: do not screw with (or on) America’s taco emporiums.

Terrifying story is terrifying.

Clowns. They’re freaky and just the vaguest bit creepy and John Wayne Gacy. There’s even been creepy clown events already in the year, when a clown began standing outside for no apparent reason, skeeving out our friends across the pond. That said, the clown never attacked anyone.

If only Taco Bell could be so lucky.

A man in a clown costume is alleged to have gotten into an argument with a man. In a Taco Bell drive-thru. And then hitting the man. In the Taco Bell parking lot. This all took place this past weekend in Battle Ground, Washington. In a Taco Bell.

Clowns are scary for people. Taco Bell is scary for your butthole. Is it any surprise that pairing the two will end in pain for someone?

The McBournie Minute: Binge drinking and other signs of economic recovery

In 2007, or 2008, depending on who you ask, the bottom fell out of the U.S. economy, and the rest of the world came along with us for the ride. Since then, it’s been nothing but a stream of complaints from people who have lost their jobs, or recent college grads, who just realized this whole real world thing is, like, going to affect them.

But there’s great news, everyone, the American economy is back! Sure, you can listen to economists who said that the Great Recession ended a couple years ago, or you can try to wrap your head around the latest job reports. I’ve got a better idea. All you need to do is look around you for the signs.

Is America being America again? Is your office toilet paper a bit softer than it was? Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Binge drinking and other signs of economic recovery

You Missed It: End of 2012 edition

It's how I do my thinking.
It’s how I do my thinking.

Oh, hello there. I’m just here sitting back in my smoking jacket and enjoying a nice whiskey on the rocks (my third). You know, I’ve been thinking a lot about 2012. It really sucked, didn’t it? Stop and think about it for a minute, did anything good happen this year to anyone but Psy? Not really. However, it certainly was a wild, memorable ride. Perhaps it was the looming threat of the end of the world. It could be the heavy buzz I’ve got going, but I feel like looking back on the biggest stories of this year. Grab a drink and join me, won’t you?


Swingin’ Gingrich
Marianne Gingrich made her ex-husband, Newt, look even worse by dropping the bombshell that he wanted to have an open marriage. Apparently this is worse than asking your wife for a divorce when she’s recovering from cancer treatments in the hospital. Mitt Romney didn’t see what the big deal is–you can have more than one wife, right?

Also, they battle Hitler
In a story that can only end well, scientists in New York made “supersoldier” ants. I’m not really sure why this was so important to do, but now there are ants with really large heads. Their heads are so large that they are able to block the entrances to their nest when it comes under attack. Also, they do this really cool shield-throwing trick.

Equal time rule
A year away from inauguration day, and President Barack Obama was out on the campaign trail. He was raising funds, and he’d do just about anything for your money. At The Apollo, he noted that Rev. Al Green was in the audience, and did his own version of “Let’s Stay Together,” well a few bars of it, anyway. And he’s got the chops for it, too. The American public got to hear his pipes more along the campaign trail when he sang “Red Solo Cup” in Missouri. Continue reading You Missed It: End of 2012 edition

I think our country is loco

A few years ago, Patton Oswalt created a bit based off of the KFC Famous Bowls. On his most recent album, he updated the bit, stating that KFC announced that the Famous Bowls were their most successful selling product ever. He wept for our nation.

Now, I weep for our nation, as Taco Bell has announced that their Doritos Locos Tacos is the largest and most successful product launch for the company ever. This is just a scant two months after their launch. Just what is the sales number for an item to qualify for such characteristics?

100 million. As in number sold.

What is wrong with you people? Why do you eat such items? Someone needs to wipe my wet eyes with their cheese-powder dusted fingers.