A report on affairs o’ the Orient

G’morning, mateys! While many o’ ye be strictly Atlantic water pirates, more an’ more o’ ye have been smartly settin’ sail for the shores o’ China, lured by promises o’ gold fingernails, spices and lasses with tiny feet. For those of ye considerin’ the journey, here be a brief update on all things Asiatic:

Leave the rum, take the milk

Four little babies be dead and thousands more be sick from drinking a powderrrred formula that be tainted with chemicals.

The Chinese State Administration of Quality Supervision, Inspection and Quarantine (an upstandin’ organization that be always verifin’ that ye lead bars be gold) says that adults be safe for now, as the chemical, tripolycyanide, only kills wee lubbers under this tall.

So, if ye be dangerously near the last dregs of ye rum, consider setting anchor at the Glorious People’s Breast-Free Lacterium and adding some special formula to ye crew’s grog.

If ye blind friends be doin’ it, would ye?

South Korean Police have arrested 26 blind masseurs who were attemptin’ to jump off o’ a bridge–presumably because all o’ their friends be doin’ it.

The jumperrrs be protestin’ a law that be allowin’ currs with workin’ deadlights to be encroachin’ on their trade. In the past, the law only allowed blind jacks to massage ye, medically-speakin’ o’ course.

So, if ye be sailin’ past the Korean pennisula, keep an eye out for accidental deckside stowaways. It be not likely that they know where they be goin’.