Raising an arrrrmy

Exactly one week ago it was Talk Like A Pirate Day, but there are people in the Africa who don’t know that. In fact, they think they are real pirates. While this blog stays away from modern day piratey stuff (something about taking and killing hostages), this be–er, is a little different.

Pirates off the coast of Somalia have taken control of a Ukrainian ship carrying T-72 tanks. This means that not only do these pirates have another ship on which to hide their plunder, now they can go ashore and lay siege to the rich towns that line the eastern coast of Africa.

This is most confusing news. We know that pirates operate at sea, but can come ashore to raid towns. However, pirates don’t ride in tanks, armor divisions do. Should they make landfall, what do we call this band of swashbucklers? An army? Mauraders? Pirates in tanks?

Ye Missed It: Impending economic doom edition

Happy Talk Like A Pirate Day to ye. It seems the changin’ o’ the seasons be gettin’ me down. Not in the “alas, summer be over” sense, but in the “I have a huge cold all of a sudden” sense. But yer intrepid blogger sniffles on. Pity me. In any case, if ye were busy finding kittens in yer wall, odds are ye missed it.

So, did Wall Street get hammered this time?
Lehman Brothers got bought out, AIG got saved by a big ol’ government loan of countless doubloons, and there may not be an end in sight. Critics be callin’ this the worst economy since the 1930s, and it be comin’ to a town near ye. Fear not, yer money be safe up to $100,000. And worry ye not, SG has its money stored totally legally in the First National Bank of Grand Cayman. We’re settin’ sail soon to make a deposit!

Pirates o’ the Bering Sea
Republican Vice Presidential Nominee Sarah Palin’s private e-mail was hacked into and posted online, shockin’ many, who found that she a) hates the press that be in Alaska, b) has pictures of her children and c) likes conductin’ official business on a private e-mail account that probably be illegal in the state o’ Alaska. Naturally, this invasion o’ privacy has angered Republicans and Fox News reporters alike. Invasion o’ privacy is only good when it happens t’ ordinary people.

Seinfeld-Kramer reunion axed
Have ye seen the new Microsoft ads with Bill Gates and Jerry Seinfeld? Well ye shouldn’t get used t’ them. They have dispatch with the ads, which featured Gates and Seinfeld meetin’ at a shoe store, then tryin’ to live ordinary lives. No one was laughin’, because Microsoft seems t’ be about as cool as it is funny. They ought t’ keelhaul whoever rolled out those ads. The ads will be replaced with the new “I am a PC” commercials, which may or may not have been cut on a Mac–seriously.

Take yer booty elsewhere, strumpet

Swabs, we be engaged in a great battle, as ye know. But on days like Talk Like A Pirate Day, it be easy forget. This blog remains every vigilant because we need to. Let there be no clearer proof than this that we need to keep the long nines loaded at all times. Our foe be trickier than we think.

Now, they want us t’fund ’em with their crappy art. Paintin’s by animals in South Carolina be’ sellin’ fer over $500 (roughly 600 pieces o’eight). All they want is our money, and they think we be dull enough t’buy some scribbles any toddler could draw.

I say nay, we shall not be spendin’ our hard stolen money helpin’ the enemy’s fight. We shall spend it on rum, instead!