Bird-eating tarantulas on the loose in England

The English summer of animal-related terror (we need to come up with a better name than that) continues on. We don’t want to alarm anyone, but Great Britain could be in the process of being overrun by tarantulas.

Britons, we’re not sure how to put this, but there could be some bird-eating spiders on the loose right this very moment. In Derbyshire, England, 10 pots were found in the parking lot of a store. All of them were labeled, “Brazilian pink bird-eating spiders.”

That’s somewhat odd, but not really cause for concern. But was is cause for concern is that two of the pots had been broken after being hit by cars. Three baby tarantulas were found in the other pots, and authorities worry that the parents may have escaped.

Bird-eating tarantulas on the loose? Maybe they could eat the drunken seagulls at the beach.

We know our enemy and it is multi-legged

Last week, we told you about the horrifying events transpiring in Sadiya, India. As if a SyFy channel horror movie came to life, an innocent town celebrating a festival saw a swarm of monstrously aggressive spiders invade their residence. People died and the culprit had yet to be determined.

Things have progressed since then.

An elite team of scientists have managed to capture one of the unknown arachnids. While under their constant surveillance, the spider has identified as a tarantula. Or at least, it’s similar to a tarantula. The uniqueness of the venom and their behavior tendencies are throwing off some of the signs.

Whatever the beast is, godspeed to you brave biology nerds. May your determined endeavors uncover a cure in the form of a beautiful plague that can be used on these abominations.

One box of nightmares, please

Have you made it all the way through the week without a case of the heebie-jeebies? Well, happy Friday, because the Germans are at it again.

By “it,” we mean mailing live tarantulas to the United States by the hundreds.

One box to Los Angeles contained 300 live tarantulas, another contained 250 and a third contained only 22, but they were endangered and ginger.

Seriously, Germany, what’s up?

We won’t go into 1938-1945. But, we were good and tired of David Hasselhoff when you sent him back to us with somehow higher self-esteem. And now you’re mailbombing us with spiders?

That’s it. You’re off our Christmas card list.