Take it from Dr. Snee: Incentivizing is the new Atkins

There won’t be any letters this week. I want to talk to you about your health and some of my concerns. You may not realize it, but you–yes, you–are unhealthy.

Doctors and lesser scientists have tried everything to make you healthier. We told you that if you got into shape, you’d have more frequent and better sex. When we discovered that fat people and coat racks still manage to have sex, we tried to tell you sex is exercise. That just led to sex toys and the Internet.

We even tried to use food against you. We told you that you could lose weight by eating steak, every f#@king day. You could eat bacon every hour of the day, so long as you didn’t put it in bread. And you still blew it.

And that’s why I’m writing to you today. I’m feed up, so like a high school parent, the government and I are going to pay you for every passed physical. But, any time you do some unhealthy, we’re gonna take some of that money back.

It’s called incentivizing, and it’s the new Atkins. Continue reading Take it from Dr. Snee: Incentivizing is the new Atkins

The road to Rhode Island

When it comes time to make a decision on where to move, especially out of state, one needs to consider many things: school systems, laws, local predators, proximity to bars, and probably taxes too. Well my friends, if proximity to bars and taxes were on your list, combine the two and you have Rhode Island with one of  the lowest alcohol taxes nation-wide.

Considering there is nothing else to do there, might as well drink right?

Take it from Snee: Retrospect this

While I’m certainly glad to see more people writing thanks to the advent of blogging, twittering and other terms that were previously symptoms of pleurisy; whereas I am also elated to say goodbye to the biggest waste of a decade since the 1460s (was there any good music that decade?); and because I look forward to the Twenty-Ten future, I am officially sick of all retrospectives about this and any other decade from here on out.

To make sure one is never written again, I’ve done you all a favor and written and all-encompassing one that should work for the next hundred years.* Don’t think I’ve left out names to be vaguely correct: in 10 years’ time, you’ll have forgotten most of the “important” people of this past decade, too.

*If this template still applies after 100 years, you’re on your own because I should be dead. Hopefully of something awesome like breastclimbing or mesotheligladiator fights.

Well, it’s been another 10 years, and what a 10 years it’s been! Let’s recap the good, bad and weird from this decade. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Retrospect this

You Missed It: Send more crumpets edition

Got any plans for the weekend? Really? Oh, that sounds cool, have a good time with that. Me? No, I’m laying low this weekend. I celebrated You Missed It’s first birthday a little too much last weekend, if you know what I mean. Time to recover. Phew! If you were busy challenging Larry King to a Twitter follower war this week, odds are you missed it.

Cramming a protest down leaders’ throats
More than 200 years ago, Samuel Adams and the Sons of Liberty threw boxes of tea overboard in protest of taxes levied by the British Parliament without any consultation of the colonies. On April 15, tax day, conservatives recreated the event across the country, protesting taxes that are approved by people they voted to represent them, which is clearly unfair in principle. Protesters threw tea around and even mailed tea bags to their elected officials. They even called themselves teabaggers. I am still struggling to find a comedic angle to this one.

Voice lovely, face, not so much
It’s the kind of story you expect from a hokey romantic comedy, as if there was any other kind. Practically overnight, Susan Boyle, 47, has become a sensation in much of the civilized world. The Scottish woman appeared on Britain’s Got Talent, and wowed judges when she sang “I Dreamed A Dream.” Boyle says she has never been kissed, mostly because shes not really attractive. Wait a minute, she’s Scottish? Shouldn’t she be on Scotland’s Got Talent?

I used to love her, but I had to kill her
In an interview with The Rolling Stone, Hulk Hogan said, “I totally understand O.J.,” and who can blame him? “I could have turned everything into a crime scene like O.J., cutting everybody’s throat,” Hogan said in the interview. We’ve all been there. We all get the Hulkamania and just want to take everyone down with us, brother. If I were Jake the Snake, I’d watch out.

Ah, the *old* fight about smoking

If there’s one group more discriminated against than tattooed people, it’s smokers.

Smokers are steadily getting up in arms — once they catch their breath — and speaking out against the new federal cigarette tax hike. The increased tax requires tobacco compaines to pay the U.S. government an additional 61.6 cents for every pack sold, effectively raising the price of a carton by $6.16.

Most of the complaints come, of course, from elderly people who have either beaten the odds of contracting — or continue to smoke in spite of — health problems.

They’re responding in typical old-personly-fashion: by boring young reporters to death …

“Larry Jukes said he remembers when he could buy 10 cigarette packs for $2.50.”

… and through guilt …

“‘I think it’s ridiculous. … They’re picking on smokers,’ [83-year-old Gloria] Egger said at the Denver store, where she bought two cartons Tuesday. ‘I think they’re trying to run the tobacco companies out of business.'”

… and by making vague, impotent threats to “them.”

“‘As old as I am, I’m not going to quit smoking, regardless of what they do,'” Egger said.

What will President Obama, a smoker who signed the tax into law, do?

Schadenfreude the Pick-Me-Up

Wednesday. Hump Day.

It’s the middle of the week, which means you’re halfway through work, but you still have a whole half week of work in front of you.

Mornings like this need a steamy cup of Schadenfreude to send you screaming like a Viking berserker into the office for three more days, charging through expense reports or pouring mounds of sawdust on that kid’s puke.

(Schadenfreude is perfect for any economic class.)

Or perhaps you’re an almost-forgotten living campaign slogan that annoyed America for a whole month, contributing to the loss of your candidate. Now that the election’s over, you might try anything to get the country’s attention again, like trying to distance yourself from that loser.

Of course that’s not you. Nobody wants to be Joe the Plumber. (He should probably get back to work, you know, in plumbing, like a good taxpaying American.)

Mm, Schadenfreude: make it every morning’s shameful joy.

You Missed It: Rhymes with ‘punt’ edition

Hey, Illinois, what’s shaking? Sorry, earthquake jokes are only a few shades better than flood/hurricane jokes. If you were in an area affected by a natural disaster this week, odds are you missed it.

Pennsylvania Primaries
Sen. Hillary Clinton gained a bit of momentum as she won the Pennsylvania Democratic primary election, defeating Sen. Barack Obama by more than ten percentage points. The Clinton camp and the news media were overjoyed by the news, while Obama and the rest of the U.S. groaned at the thought of having to go through with this crap for several more months.

Cindy McCain on ‘The View’
Wife of likely Republican presidential nominee Cindy McCain appeared on ABC’s “The View” Monday to dispel rumors that her husband, Sen. John McCain, has anger issues. She said voters should not be worried about an angry man in the White House with his finger on the trigger because he only uses the C-bomb on her when he has to.

‘Blade’ behind bars
Actor Wesley Snipes was convicted of not filing his taxes and sentenced to three years in prison. When reached for comment, Snipes said he regretted hiring Willie Nelson as his accountant.

Detectives acquitted
Three NYPD detectives were acquitted Friday of shooting a man outside of a strip club a few hours before his wedding. Over 50 bullets were fired by police. Finally, law enforcement officers have received a fair trial in the shooting death of an unarmed black man.

April 15 is almost here, better drink up

Just a reminder to all the tanked out there: your taxes are due next week. You might want to think about filing them. One good reason is that it allows you to get your tax return back. We know what that means–booze money.

There’s another good reason, especially if you live in New Jersey. You can have your taxes done for you while you’re hanging out at a bar. CPA Carmine Sodora can take care or your W2s while you get wasted. We all know it would certainly take the pain out of doing your own taxes, which drives you to drink anyway. This way, you don’t have to feel bad about doing so, or explain to the IRS audit guy why your penmanship gets sloppier and sloppier as you go down the page.

What rhymes with ‘luck?’

Animals hate everything we stand for–it’s no secret. But it is becoming clearer lately that not only are they so hateful of us that they are willing to engage in the more traditional, aggressive attacks, but also passive-aggressive ones. Pets are a method of draining the average human of their monetary resources. Now, it seems they are willing to try the same tactics on our government.

A pet duck in Rhode Island was born with a neurological disorder that keeps it from walking. In any other country, that would make the pet duck a pet lunch, but here in America, the quacker is taking Uncle Sam for a ride, getting a scooter to help assist in its walking. This blog can only assume it was paid for by Medicare.

Let’s keep in mind that this duck does not hold a job, nor does it pay taxes. In fact, this blog is willing to bet the duck comes from generations of tax- (and axe-) dodging ducks. Yet our tax dollars are paying to keep this duck alive and comfortable.