Alabama to teachers: Keep it in your pants

It’s been a while since we had something in this category. Any teacher will tell you–whether you ask them or not–how tough their job is. They have to deal with children, and they have to resist the urge to put their hands on the teenagers they find themselves attracted to. Alabama wants to help.

The state legislature is considering a bill that would require teachers to, and this is true, take a training course on how to not have sex with students. They’re doing this because teachers in the state are having trouble keeping it in their pants. Just this month, there have been five arrests related to high school teachers getting it on with underage students.

Who knew Alabama students were so attractive?

Armed teachers already have a 100 percent success rate in eliminating threats

Here's one armed teacher getting ready to shoot an armed person in their head.
Here’s one armed teacher getting ready to shoot an armed person in her head.

Good news, RAM members and other Bandoleered-Americans: Idaho and Utah’s new laws that allow teachers with conceal-carry permits to bring their weapons to school are working! In only two weeks since Labor Day, a teacher in each state was able to successfully fend off a gunman with their own guns in their schools.

A chemistry teacher at Idaho State University shot an armed person in his classroom. And it was a good thing, too, because the classroom was full.

And in Utah, a teacher managed to shoot an armed person while in the bathroom before that person could reach the classroom with her weapon.

And that’s the beauty of the NRA’s “the only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun” position: knowing a good armed person from a bad one can be complicated. But you don’t need to know who’s the good guy and bad guy if they’re both the same person.

(If you didn’t click the links, they shot themselves.)

You Missed It: Paid time off edition

How can you not trust a face like this?
How can you not trust a face like this?

After a restorative week off, I’m back at the helm. For all of last week, I unplugged from the news. Not just because I was on vacation, but because I was on vacation with 12 other people, and no one wanted to hear about the royal baby for 12 hours straight. But I know you don’t want to hear about my vacation. How are you? What’s new with you? Actually, I don’t care. If you were busy waiting to find out if you would be kicked out of baseball this week, odds are you missed it.

Hands-on leadership
This week, San Diego Mayor Bob Filner had even more women accuse him of sexual harassment. We’re up to nine now that have accused him of inappropriate touching and other unwelcome advances. The 70-year-old mayor has not resigned from office, but instead checking himself into a clinic, where he gets updates on city business. This in the wake of Anthony Weiner’s latest sexting scandal. Reportedly, the Democratic National Committee is continuing its outreach to women voters by introducing its new slogan, “We support the right to choose, so why don’t you bring that sweet ass over here, baby?”

Ark. teachers can’t pack heat (yet)
Arkansas’ state attorney said that one of its school districts cannot move forward with a program to arm its teachers, because the state law it was trying to use only applies to private security companies. The school district had pointed to safety, as well as the inherent teaching benefits of guns in the classroom. English: “Today we’re learning the letters H and K.” Math: “If I have nine rounds, and I shoot three of them into the ceiling–like so–how many rounds do I have left?” History: “The Second Amendment says that the Founding Fathers thought it was fine to have automatic and semtautomatic weapons carried around strangers entrusted with educating the nation’s youth.”

Jodie Foster, you saved me!
On Thursday, actress Jamie Lee Curtis was involved in a car accident. Not many details are known, but Curtis was a passenger. She immediately called Jodie Foster, and then 911. Foster showed up there first. Curtis was checked out at the hospital and released. Is it me, or are people getting more desperate for parts in superhero movies?

The end of a quiet era?

As the nation’s parents, teachers, daycare-providers and Gwyneth Paltrows finished nursing off their post-New Year’s hangovers, they found their first crisis of 2012: we’re running out of ADHD medication.

Pharmacies are unable to keep up with growing demand for Adderall and Ritalin due to rising prescription numbers (18 million Adderall prescriptions in 2010 alone), DEA restrictions on surplus production of the controlled substance and drug manufacturers’ hesitance to provide generics when their namebrand designers drugs are more expensive.

Members of the child-interacting community are nervous, wondering how they will be able to stimulate undrugged children in the future should this problem continue unabated.

Teacher made us do it

My high school teachers went kind of like this: the over-eccentric science teacher, boring math teachers that clearly hated their job, social science teachers that spent more time being pregnant than in class and a computer teacher that lived up to our nickname for her (“Stinky”).

High school art teachers in Japan? Force teenagers to wear maid costumes. Hope you’re enjoying that thought, nerds.

The high school teacher from Odate, Akita Prefecture forced a female student to wear a maid’s costume and made other students take pictures of her. He put the pressure on a third-year student with a threat on her grades. If she didn’t wear a maid outfit during club activities, she would receive no academic credit for her language class. So the 18-year-old was forced to wear the outfit in school. The 51-year-old teacher made other students take pictures of her, too. Clearly, it was all done for photographic purposes to demonstrate the figure and form of the human body.

Clearly.

Take it from Snee: Lightning Round 2

Way back in June, I looked at a number of misconceptions out there and explained why they were wrong. These were brief, yet concise pockets of correctness that should have solved all of the stupid around me.

Alas, I’ve just found more conventional “wisdoms” that boggle the mind. (Go figure, it’s an election year.)

So, sit down, shut off that damn music and pay attention. You should only have to read this article once, because I’m not kicking your brain any more than I have to. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Lightning Round 2

Still no science curriculum for Florida

The debate to include “evolution” into Florida’s state science curriculum is still ongoing. The St. Petersburg Times reported that most teachers have been advised against teaching it, and some even omit it entirely to avoid any criticism.

In other news:

“A 1999 survey of biology teachers [emphasis ours] in Oklahoma, for example, found that 12 percent wanted to omit evolution and teach creationism instead. A similar survey in Louisiana found that 29 percent of biology teachers believed creationism should be taught, while in South Dakota, it was 39 percent.”

You gotta really hate your subject if you refuse to teach it.

On education: it’s time for another abstract war

100% of the drug abusers who have sex with this teacher (left) are students receiving an education. 

Education in this great nation of ours (the United States for the benefit of our foreign readers) has descended into a spiral of moral and institutional decay. New math has proven fruitless, D.A.R.E. has been rejected and teachers everywhere are having sex with students.

What is the culprit in all of these situations? Education.

Notice, if you will, a disturbing trend:

  • 100% of the developers of new math received education. Furthermore, their method was published and marketed by a university that may or may not sell education.
  • D.A.R.E. is co-cordinated by educators. 100% of D.A.R.E. attendees are students, and 100% of those students that use drugs went to school (read: education).
  • 100% of educators found guilty of sexual misconduct with students received some degree of education. 100% of all students who were sexually abused by their teachers met their antagonists in an educational environment.

In short, it’s time to take off the kid gloves, folks. Education is the cause of all of our society’s ills, including education. As impractical as it may seem, it is time to start another war: The War on Education.