We’ve said this roughly 689,524 times on this blog before, but this time we’re right: We’ve probably reached the end of humanity. It’s been nice knowing you all. Whatever historians are alive centuries from now will mark the beginning of the end with the hacking of a Segway.
That’s right, the Segway, the rolling scooter thing widely used in all facets of society today, has been hacked. We were such fools to trust such a convenient piece of technology! Hackers have been able to stop the Segway MiniPro via an accompanying app that connects you to your machine’s controls. A vulnerability in the software allows a third party to take control of the Segway. Of course, thousands have already been killed, and there is mass panic around the world because such a vital machine is no longer safe.
Mark our words, if mankind has any hope, it must relegate Segways to airport security officers and city tour groups.
The future if absolutely terrifying, thanks to advances in technology. But that doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy a few benefits along the way to oblivion. For example, dog poop will be a thing of the past, and not because we will eliminate dogs.
A company in the Netherlands is working on a system using drones to locate and remove dog crap before you even have a chance to step in it. Flying drones will be sent out to locate and record the coordinates of fresh crap, and then a land-based robot will come along and scoop the poop.
Of course, since drones are involved, this will probably lead to the deaths of thousands of innocent bystanders. But hey, progress.
Technology has shaped the modern world, and it has brought us a golden age of entertainment. But these technological advancements come with a steep price. “Netflix and chill” might be a lie, it turns out.
According to a new study, we’re not having as much sex as we used to. In fact, if you’re married, you’re in the biggest sexual rut of your life. (We’re not saying it, science is saying it.) In 1990, American married couples had sex an average of 73 times a year, but that dropped to just 55 times a year in 2014. Among the reasons for this decline in sexual activity researchers blamed were on-demand entertainment, such as your DVR, Netflix or even YouTube. Because we’re not as bored at night, we’re no longer turning to our spouses for entertainment.
Also listed as a C-block was having children. Parents are having kids later in life these days, and taking care of young kids really kills the mood.
This raises the question: Being a parent might extend your life, but is that life really worth living?
There’s a major problem in society today. Normally, The Guys try to stay away from politics, because unlike other blogs, we know we’re just making stuff up. But this problem is so big, and such a threat to the future of the U.S., we need to make a stand. The problem of course is Pokemon Go.
Last week, the augmented reality smartphone game by Nintendo was released, and people who alternate between trying to relive their childhoods and complaining about the ruining of their childhoods could not have been happier. Across the US, people discovered what their legs are for, and it predictably went horribly wrong. Many Pokemon Go players are reporting injuries from walking around in the real world and not watching where they are going. Some reports say the game was used to rob people. Also, the game has turned the National Sept. 11 Memorial in New York into a hot spot for the game.
This game is stupid, hurtful and dangerous. Undoubtedly, it will enjoy great success in America.
If you have a job, you probably hate it — even though it’s Friday. It’s just a feeling everyone gets at some point when they show up to a place they wouldn’t normally go and do things they wouldn’t otherwise do in exchange for money. Have you ever thought about deleting your company? One guy did it accidentally.
Server tech guy Marco Marsala accidentally entered a command telling his company’s server to delete everything on it. You may not know a ton about how servers work, but you know that’s not a good thing. According to the feedback he got from other server experts on a forum, it’s just gone. The command not only said to delete everything, but to ignore all the normal warnings and just do it. It could be possible to recover all o the data, but experts say it would be extremely difficult.
This raises the question: Can you get fired from a company that no longer exists?
The war between technology and art has finally come to a head. And it looks as if technology has won the first battle.
In England, technology has forced a one-ton sculpture to be moved months before it was scheduled to do so, all because people on their phones keep walking into it. “The Kiss” features two giant hands coming together. They say it’s supposed to look like faces kissing, but we’re not artsy enough to see that. The sculpture had been placed on a pathway on a cathedral’s grounds, with one hand coming up from each side of the path. But because of the low clearance, those who weren’t paying attention wound up getting bitch slapped by the huge hands.
We have a feeling that art will have the last laugh, however. In a decade or so, some artist is going to make an ugly sculpture out of old cell phones.
Time to pack it in, everyone. Humanity had a good run. We ran the world for a few thousand years, but we’re done now. At least according to renowned physicist Stephen Hawking.
Hawking, who is known to be not very optimistic about humanity, said that the more technology we develop, the more we increase our odds that everything is going to go wrong and we’ll destroy ourselves. This guy is arguably the greatest mind of our time. He does incredibly work in science, and he’s saying science is what’s going to do us in.
The man is brilliant, he’s part machine and he’s actively contributing to the extinguishing of the human race. Stephen Hawking is a real-life Bond villain.
In the horrible future, technology will we used to track your every move. There will be no more privacy. You won’t even be able to commit a crime in peace. The future is now.
If a Florida woman’s car is to be believed, she was involved in a non-fatal hit-and-run accident with a pedestrian. Police were notified by an automated system that the woman’s car had been involved in an accident, they were then patched through to the driver herself. She denied that a serious accident had happened, and went home. Police caught up with her and found that her airbag had been deployed and the front end of her car had significant damage.
It turned out that she had actually been in an accident earlier, and was fleeing that scene when she hit the pedestrian. The technology-driven police state is so bad you can’t even have two accidents in one day without being caught.
In the U.S., we tend to think of the British as uptight or overly formal, which may not be entirely accurate. It’s not our fault, they don’t really send us the best examples of their culture, even though we ceded PBS to them. If they’re not doing something magical, or being incredibly charming in a shy way, they are looking down at us for showing emotion or not having an unspoken caste system.
Sure, they gave us one of the greatest bands of all time (the Spice Girls), but aside from that, we just don’t see the passion in their culture. This could be why we see them as being generally cold or aloof to each other.
Yet paradoxically, some of them check Facebook while (whilst, for our outraged British readers) having sex. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: You have been poked
Modern parents kind of suck, don’t they? Individually, they’re nice people, but as a group, they’re insufferable. Plus, they all hate each other’s views on parenthood. Everyone thinks they know what they’re doing, which means that no one actually does.
We’ve got science to back up part of this. A recent study found that one third of parents remain glued to their phones when out to eat with their children. Amazingly enough, when their parents ignored them for Candy Crush, the kids tended to act up–which everyone loves in a restaurant.
So, parents everywhere: Treat your kid like it’s a real person. No one likes it when some strange child peeks over the bench and stares at them.
Kids everywhere: Spit up on your parents’ phones next time you’re out, it might make you a better person in the end.