Survey: Awful people check their phones while doing it

A new survey of 1,000 people has found that 10% of people check their phones during sex. That probably means they need to clean their phones, too.

The survey, conducted by cell signal booster company SureCall, found that 10% of respondents admitted to checking their phones while getting it on. And nearly half of those people said they had checked their phone while banging two to 10 times in the past year. If you are dating one of these people, consider this your red flag.

Also, people 18 to 34 were twice as likely to check their phones than people aged 35 to 51. But that’s probably just because the older folks don’t know how to unlock their phone in the first place.

If you can enforce a ban, you can enforce a quota

The International Whaling Commission (don’t let the name fool you–they’re ag’in’ whaling) is offering a truce to longtime animal warriors Japan. Instead of continuing their outright ban, which the Japanese dodge by calling their kills “science,” the IWC might permit them to limited whaling with as-of-yet undetermined quotas.

How do the Japanese justify killing the better part of 30,000 whales, the majority becoming food, since 1986 as science?

1) Food science is science. It’s science that you eat. Without out it, there would be no Twinkies, Cheez-Whiz and other “foods.” It’s only a matter of time before the Japanese discover a fish-like substance that tastes like whale.

2) Less whales equals more Japanese people. The world’s seaweed and tiny gross fish supplies are running scarce because whales eat it all. What will the Japanese eat if they can’t cut it up and tie it to rice? Spaghetti-Os?

3) The best technology comes from war. We’re at war, but the Japanese are facing a giant, intelligent foe that may use language to coordinate its underwater convoys. Therefore, any weapons they develop for whaling will lead to peacetime innovations like odorless braces and typhoon guns.

Your battery died for your sins

It’s Ash Wednesday, all you Catholics out there. We know you’re excited. Are you ready to give something up for Lent? Did you forget it was Lent in the first place? It happens.

Bishops in England have a suggestion for what you should give up: your iPod. Instead of forgoing chocolate, soda or something along those lines, why don’t you give up something that will help save the environment? Give up some piece of technology (that you’re addicted to anyway), reduce your power consumption, do something to be greener.

We’d just like to say: please don’t give up your computer. We’d miss you.

Great, now the Internet’s unsafe for children

Pope Benedict XVI has asked Catholic ministers and priests to use the Internet to spread the gospel. Ben (and only we are allowed to call him that) cited the Church’s adoption of other media like books, television and weekly wine tastings as justification to moving online.

We can see a couple of flaws to this plan:

  1. The priests who are already Web savvy are also already on Chris Hansen’s watchlist.
  2. The priests who aren’t online will have trouble setting up blogs and Web sites since they never had children to do it for them. (This is also why the clergy doesn’t use DVRs and their clocks always read “88:88.”)

Still, we think His Holiness is on the right track and welcome him and his brethren to the ’90s.

Take it from Snee: Retrospect this

While I’m certainly glad to see more people writing thanks to the advent of blogging, twittering and other terms that were previously symptoms of pleurisy; whereas I am also elated to say goodbye to the biggest waste of a decade since the 1460s (was there any good music that decade?); and because I look forward to the Twenty-Ten future, I am officially sick of all retrospectives about this and any other decade from here on out.

To make sure one is never written again, I’ve done you all a favor and written and all-encompassing one that should work for the next hundred years.* Don’t think I’ve left out names to be vaguely correct: in 10 years’ time, you’ll have forgotten most of the “important” people of this past decade, too.

*If this template still applies after 100 years, you’re on your own because I should be dead. Hopefully of something awesome like breastclimbing or mesotheligladiator fights.

Well, it’s been another 10 years, and what a 10 years it’s been! Let’s recap the good, bad and weird from this decade. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Retrospect this

WARNING: Scratching “yourself” with 10x your normal strength may lead to hazardous results.

Everyone just loves being a superhero. We mean, sure, being bad could be pretty cool, but ultimately, everyone wants to be the hero. Well, true believer, now you, too, can be Iron Man and only for the low, low price of $4200.

Cyberdyne, a Japanese technology firm that totally has nothing to do at all with the Cyberdyne of the Terminator/killer robot apocalypse film franchise, has begun building a powered exoskeleton suit for purchase. Named the HAL exoskeleton, it uses sensors to increase your strength to double the power. Possibly even tenfold.

Okay, so actually we just wanted to say the word tenfold.

Unfortunately, there are just a few things wrong with the situation:

  1. Even though the suits are only $4200 each, the annual production is limited to simply 400 units. By the time you finish this sentence, they’re probably all sold out.
  2. Cyberdyne? HAL? Anything combining these two words effectively means the end of mankind. We’re boned.
  3. Try to scratch your butt while wearing that thing. Don’t be surprised to hear the suit respond to you with, “I can’t do that, Dave.”

How To: Avoid science

We lost one of the giants this week. Aside from President-elect Barack Obama’s grandmother, author Michael Crichton died this week. We all know who he is, so stop pretending. Crichton brought us books like “Jurassic Park,” “Sphere,” “The Andromeda Strain,” the television series ER and even movies like Twister, Congo, and That Forgettable One With Paul Walker in Medieval France–some of which were based on his books. (Check with Chugs for the movies he directed in the 1970s.)

Crichton was a modern day Mary Shelly, except a dude and nearly seven feet tall. He was like Shelly, in that he taught us that science is a really, really horrible thing. We should never trust it, we should always question it because one day it will get us all killed. Oh, and global warming is like eugenics. With that in mind, we bring you how to avoid science. Continue reading How To: Avoid science

Spooking the cat never became more fun

This is the Hollow Man. He's already ahead of you, science-nerds.Science’s slightly cooler cousin, technology, is at it again. This time, instead of creating jet-packs, invisibility suits are becoming closer and closer to fruition. Bending light never became more fun. While it’s obviously being looked at more for its military purposes, imagine the possibilities of personal use. Bending light never became more fun. As long as we can avoid the more horrifying possibilities (like, well, rape, murder and arson), we can then focus on the more useful purposes of an invisibility suit-such as scaring cats, small children and making shows like “Ghost Hunters” actually slightly correct.

One step closer to the American dream: invisible robot assassins to maintain global order. Yay!

‘Are you lonesome, tonight? Are you smaller than a housecat?’

We all know that one guy. Y’know, the one that’s lonely, looks like he’s constantly moping, addicted to that godforsaken IRC channel and just can’t get the energy to even talk to someone of the gender that he’s attracted to. If he actually does manage to leave his bed, it’s never any fun, as he’s the truest form of the word “party-killer.”

Well mope no more, gentle soul that might become a serial killer! Japan, that ca-razy land of wackiness and schoolgirls is here to answer your prayers. The robot girlfriend that’s been joked about for years is now a reality! No more do you have to whine “why not me?” but instead, you get to say “oh yeah, ME,” with the simple push of a button, less than two Benjamins and some batteries.

There’s only one small catch. Sadly, it’s only useful for those in the 12- to 20-inch tall demographic. No, men that are quite literally 12 to 20 inches tall, as the robot is only 15 inches tall. Sorry Sploosh.

The McBournie Minute: Finish the space station already

With a space shuttle landing yesterday and the Discovery Channel’s three-part documentary about NASA, When We Left Earth, space has been in the news a lot lately. Of course, space is all about cooperation and brotherly love these days. But for the first 40 years of space flight there was more of an “eff you, we’re going to beat you there” mentality. Perhaps we need to go back to that, if for no other reason than to get things done.

I remember first hearing about the International Space Station when I was in fourth grade, this was 1993 One of my teachers put on the overhead projector a snapshot of how the ISS would look when it was completed. A couple years later, I remember stumbling across it in an encyclopedia, I was probably looking for the definition of “isthmus” or something. There again was a computer-generated model of the huge structure orbiting the Earth. The caption underneath it said it would be completed around the year 2000.

It’s 2008 and the damn thing still is not finished. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Finish the space station already