Today’s Internet weather report

The picture don't lie.Partly cloudy, with a high chance of a lot of Internet black holes. Unfortunately, the pipes and tubes will still somehow be clogged, but that might be able to be blamed more on the Internet Tube Pirates.

It would seem that the Internet is full of more than just porn and pictures of kittens. Scientists (say it with me: SCIENCE!), have created a program that searches for the little holes where your email just goes vanisheroonie. Why is this useful technology? One of the founding premises of the Internet was that it could route around holes, the idea being to make it less vulnerable to things like nuclear strikes. What this research shows is that even without nukes, there’s plenty of holes out there that the Internet already routes around. It’s amazing how anyone can connect anywhere, given how many gaps are out there, servers that just don’t pass on packets properly, etc.

Unfortunately, no one seems to have figured out if the Grid will keep the nuke-proof methodology either on or off it.

Frat boys, your time has been saved!

010001111Hottie0001111101101Scientists at Tel Aviv University claim that they have taught a computer how to recognize a pretty face. Think of all the time you guys can save not clicking on “Hot or Not” now that machines can do it for us! Success! Now we don’t have to carry the burden of moral judgment upon our shoulders.

Open wide, human

The machines are rising up against us. Make no mistake about that. We are growing more and more dependent on them to do our everyday work and help speed up the simpler things in life. The more dependent we get, the more complicated the machines’ tasks become.

Now, we are going to be taking it in the hind quarters, literally. Robots are now being developed to give us colonoscopies. Scientists, whom this blog has always suspected are evil, are working on these robots to make the rather uncomfortable procedure “safer.

Sorry, bub. It’s a bad enough thought to imagine a human being doing that to someone, but there’s no way The Guys are ever letting a machine get in there, we don’t care what ivy league school it went to.

Lolzerz, I hit a lmpost

These things just jump out at you sometimesTexting has had an incredibly positive effect on society. Rather than have a conversation face to face, or even have to hear the other person’s stupid voice, we can just send a horribly abbreviated message from the office, the car or even the toilet.

However, it seems there might be one single problem for this gift to humanity: we have trouble seeing where we are going. Apparently the problem is so bad that people in the U.K. keep injuring themselves by walking into lampposts and other obstacles on the average sidewalk. One in ten people over there has that problem, so the a charity is testing out padding on lampposts to help cushion the blow.

This blog just thinks most of the injuries are related to their complicated motor vehicle and foot traffic patterns.

From Multiplying bulls

Bullfighting is probably one of the greatest sports in the world. Where else do so many people gather together to see a dangerous animal slowly and ritualistically killed? The running of the bulls is also good fun, because it teaches society that when a bull is running down the street toward you GET OUT OF THE WAY!

However, despite the bull’s many uses, it is also a threat to humanity. And despite international treaties condemning the practice, people still breed these monsters in Spain. Now, things are getting even worse, as one breeder says he wants to clone, or as they say in their country, “el clono,” a bull.

This must be stopped at once!

China steps up the enforcement

Every country needs to keep an eye on the animals within its borders, with this war going on. And it’s nice to see one country has finally taken the 1984 approach. Not surprisingly, that country is China.

Yes, a municipality in China has begun planting microchips inside zoo animals. As reported by the country’s own government-controlled Xinhua news agency, the microchips will give zookeepers instant access to information, including the animal’s name, age, gender, species and turn-ons.

Because this is reported by such an impartial source, we can safely assume the microchips are being distributed equally amongst all of the animal population in this most glorious experiment on the People’s behalf. And of course, the microchips will be removed before the animals are served at local restaurants.