Well look who finally got on the “this year sucked” train. I’ve been doing this for years, everyone just finally caught up. I have a theory that 2016 was the Rapture. Everyone you love who was good is gone. Now we’re just in a hollow wasteland, and there’s the devil about. Either that, or we’re old enough that famous people we’ve heard of are starting to die off. This year was a lot like 1941 — we all knew there was conflict, and the headlines were really interesting, then an awful day toward the end of year made nothing feel the same again. This was indeed the worst year yet. Kim Kardashian had something bad happen to her for once. We cheered for sad sack teams. The Supreme Court became an octet. We held a months-long funeral for a gorilla we’d never heard of. We bought some Cuban cigars. We stood really still in videos. Let’s do to 2016 what it did to a lot of famous people, shall we?
Let freedom wear a c@#k ring
The armed hicks occupying a tiny federal office building at a remote Oregon wildlife sanctuary complained in a video that people keep sending them sex toys, including a whole bunch of dildos. The group made an appeal to “real patriots” to send them supplies, as they were so busy packing their guns they forgot to bring food and water for their camping trip. America responded by sending them plastic penises, which is a phrase I’ve waited to write my whole life. Upon hearing the news, Cards Against Humanity co-founder Max Temkin, really, sent the occupiers a 55-gallon barrel of lube.
Blowing up the airwaves
North Korea said it successfully tested a hydrogen bomb, but experts weren’t so sure it worked. In any case, the test marked another act of defiance of international sanctions. In response, South Korea set up loudspeakers along the border and began blasting K-pop. These two countries are like feuding neighbors in an apartment building. One keeps making the floor shake with loud thumps, so the other cranks their music, in this case, Psy.
From Mexico with love
After capturing escaped drug lord El Chapo, Mexican authorities published his text messages on his phone. Many were shocked not only to see that he was in contact with Mexican actress Kate del Castillo, but that his texts were quite romantic. He told her, “I’ll care for you more than my own eyes,” and even suggested having her meet his mother. Maybe we’ve got these guys all wrong. We just need to help these drug cartels find love and they’ll stop massacring entire towns. Continue reading →
Republican presidential nominee, Donald Trump, was disappointed that his former rival, Sen. Ted Cruz, refused to endorse him at the Republican National Convention. So disappointed, in fact, that he logged into his preferred situation room for dealing with all manner of crises, be they people shot in Orlando or Rosie O’Donnell needing to be put in her place, to express himself: Twitter.
Wow, Ted Cruz got booed off the stage, didn’t honor the pledge! I saw his speech two hours early but let him speak anyway. No big deal!
Keep in mind that it took the Republican-approved (He’s yours now, guys. Own it.) presidential nominee four days, more than half a week,to sort of renounce the endorsement of David Duke, the former Grand Wizard of the KKK who still espouses white supremacist ideas. But it took him only two to preemptively reject an endorsement that’s never coming from Ted Cruz.
The Guys can’t decide who this reflects more poorly on: Trump? Actual, active racists? Or Ted Cruz? Gun to our head, the only loser in this is America. F our lives.
I’m surprised by how many people are complaining now that there are no good candidates to vote for in the presidential election. There never were. A year ago, there wasn’t a single candidate that got me excited. I don’t know what dream you people were chasing. From the outset, the most viable candidates on either side were seen as such purely for their last names. And now we can look back on that concern as quaint and innocent. There were never any good candidates, there are just fewer bad ones to choose from. If you were busy celebrating Cinco de Mayo this week, odds are you missed it.
We live in an alternate universe
This week, Donald Trump became the presumptive Republican nominee after Ted Cruz and John Kasich dropped out of the race, thus ending Carly Fiorina’s record-short vice presidential bid. Not to be outdone, Bernie Sanders said the Democratic National Convention will be contested … for some reason. It’s good to see that poor decision making doesn’t belong to one party, isn’t it?
A challenge American can handle
It was announced that the U.S. is in the midst of a cheese surplus. According to the Department of Agriculture, a glut of milk has lead to increased cheese production. At the same time, we’re importing a lot of cheese from Europe. Cheesemongers are flooding the market. So don’t be shocked if you start seeing cheese in exciting new products, like a cheese-stuffed burger, cheese-stuffed fries, or to capitalize on the breakfast food craze, cheese-stuffed pillows.
Drivers will have hands at 6 o’clock
Analysts said this week that self-driving cars will give occupants more free time than ever, and naturally, one of the top activities will be sex. Just imagine how different driver’s ed will be if these guys are right.
Somehow I’m more turned off by the Democratic primaries than I do the GOP race. I find the Republican race of more consequence and much, much cruder, but out of nowhere, the Dems and their supporters have become intolerable. This week alone we had Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton trying to out-New York each other. Nothing says “I’m in touch with real Americans” like a pissing match for the most self-important city in the U.S. Then there are your Facebook friends who post 18 things a day about how great Sanders is, and how THE MEDIA IS AGAINST US, MAN! The media are a bunch of outlets with no common agenda, other than entertaining you. Blaming your problems on them is like blaming your fart on the dog. If you were busy (finally) retiring from basketball this week, odds are you missed it.
Taking the law into his own hands
It was revealed this week that as Texas solicitor general in 2007, Ted Cruz penned a 76-page brief with the U.S. Court of Appeals defending a state ban on the sale of sex toys. He unsuccessfully argued that Americans have no legal right to stimulate their own genitals–no, really. Folks, if we have the right to bear arms, we certainly have the right to hairy palms.
Time to probe some aliens
A group of investors and scientists, including Mark Zuckerberg, Russian billionaire Yuri Milner and famed physicist Stephen Hawking this week announced an initiative to send a bunch of tiny probes to Alpha Centauri, the closest star system to Earth. The nanocraft would travel four light-years in about two decades. So let the record show that when the Centaurian War is over, we fired first.
Use of electronic devices is now permitted
This week, AMC Theaters floated an idea to allow cell phone use at certain designated shows, arguing that it would be more appealing to younger moviegoers. The proposal was met with such strong criticism that AMC announced a day later that it was killing the idea. To which younger moviegoers said, “We know, we saw it on Twitter like an hour ago.”
In March and April, people flock to Washington, D.C. to see the cherry blossoms. For those of you who are unaware, parts of the Mall and Tidal Basin have cherry trees that were given to the U.S. as gift some 100 years ago. Now, people travel from all over the country to see them bloom. I will never understand these people. There are lots of trees that flower, and odds are some of them are near you. Go look at those if you care that much. Really, they’re just trees. You can look at them for two minutes and you have had your fill for the year. If you want to come to D.C., come for the monuments, the crazy people you elected, or the mediocre football team. If you signed as quarterback with the Cleveland Browns this week, odds are you missed it.
Obama goes to buy cigars
This week, President Barack Obama made history by becoming the first U.S. president to visit Cuba in nearly 100 years. During his visit, Obama met with Cuban President Raul Castro, watched a U.S.-Cuba baseball game, and told his brother Fredo that he knows he’s the traitor, and he broke his heart.
Battle over who has best trophy wife
Republican presidential candidates Donald Trump and Ted Cruz got into a heated argument on Twitter this week. It wasn’t over policy or who was more presidential, it was over their wives. Trump said his trophy wife is far more attractive that Cruz’s wife, to which Cruz responded that Trump should leave the women out of it. Man, Twitter was so much cooler before they let old people on to it.
Hulkamania runs wild all over Gawker
A jury awarded Hulk Hogan $115 million in his lawsuit against Gawker for posting a sex tape of him back in 2012. The decision is certain to be appealed by Gawker. However, if I know anything about sex tapes, this thing’s release is going to launch this kid’s career. I think we’ll be seeing a lot of the Hulkster in the years to come.
We thought we had already seen the saddest moment of this election when heir apparent, Jeb Bush, literally begged for applause after what he thought was a real barn-burner of a speech.
But, no, the saddest thing we’ve seen are the walking dead — the candidates still trying to walk around despite a giant hole in their chest. John Kasich is like a ghost in Beetlejuice: he doesn’t even know he’s dead yet.
[A] new ad from a super PAC supporting Ohio Gov. John Kasich warns against anointing the freshmen senator [Marco Rubio] too quickly.
“D.C. insiders are clamoring to crown Marco Rubio king of the GOP before he’s even proven he can win anything, and that kind of shortsighted arrogance could hand Hillary Clinton the election,” Connie Wehrkamp, New Day For America’s spokeswoman, said in a statement.
Meanwhile, in polls, Donald Trump is leading Rubio in his own home state of Florida by double-digits: 44 percent to 28 percent. Kasich, in the meantime, has yet to even reach Rubio, trailing even behind Ted Cruz, who looks like the guy in Saving Private Ryan who’s looking for his arm on the beach. The two are polling at seven percent and twelve percent respectively.
Unless Kasich and at least one other wounded candidate walk towards the light, Trump will win this primary with less than half of all Republican votes.
If there’s an example of the crumbling of our one-great labor unions, it’s the law enforcement unions out there. Cops used to have a pretty good deal going. They got decent pay, they had good insurance and they got to beat people up now and then. They could be as racist as they wanted to be, and if someone called them out on it, they just ignored it and kept on being morally bankrupt, dignity intact. But since the early 1990s, police officers get their feelings hurt if someone writes a mean song about them. Then they pout and complain and ask people to boycott the artist who criticized them. That’s what they’re doing with Beyoncé now because they don’t like that she suggested that police officers shouldn’t shoot unarmed black people. I know there are a lot of great cops out there, and probably most of them aren’t racist. But if you are a racist cop, own it. Don’t act like you’re not, hiding behind your buddies, denying there’s a problem. If you’ve made the choice not to grow as a person anymore, just come out and say it. Don’t whine every time someone says you’re not perfect. If you were busy in a Twitter war with the pope this week, odds are you missed it.
Supreme Court position proves to be death sentence once again
When Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia died last weekend, politicians wanted to properly and soberly mourn the man’s passing by immediately telling President Barack Obama what to do. Democrats asked him to nominate a judge immediately, while many Republicans asked him not to nominate anyone. All 73 GOP presidential candidates shared this opinion because they want to nominate someone. Donald Trump said he would nominate his good friend Judge Judy, while Rep. Ted Cruz said he would nominate Judge Lance Ito to support diversity on the bench and because “that FX show is really cool.”
Data-collecting companies now defending privacy
This week, Apple said it would not comply with an FBI request to unlock the iPhones of the San Bernadino shooters, citing privacy concerns, and the fact that the terrorists are still dead. The move was praised by privacy advocates and criticized by those who want to see the investigation completed. In a letter explaining his company’s position, CEO Tim Cook suggested that the FBI instead set the iPhones’ date back to Jan. 1, 1970 and see what happens.
New musical overlords named
The 58th Grammys–or as the kids call them, The Grandmothers–were held on Sunday. Big winners included Taylor Swift, Kendrick Lamar, and the cast of Hamilton. I don’t really have any gags for this one, I just needed an excuse to write gag in the first line.
In the age of social media, it’s hard to hire anybody who doesn’t have a nude or scandalous picture online somewhere. That said, it should be obvious when they have an IMDb page filled with titles like Timegate: Tales of the Saddle Tramps, Radio Erotica and Deviant Whores. Still, the future leader of the free world managed to hire someone with that C.V. for his latest ad.
Sen. Ted Cruz’s campaign cast Amy Lindsay in an ad where people in group therapy talk about their regret of once supporting fellow Sen. Marco Rubio. (We assume she got the role because of her work as Dr. Karin Clemens in 2003’s Insatiable Desires.)
The Cruz campaign stressed that had they “known of her full filmography, we obviously would not have let her appear in the ad.” To be clear, her entire filmography stretches from 1994 to present with entries like Carnal Wishes as recent as 2015.
But, we’re sure that the Cruz administration won’t accidentally put, say, an Al Qaeda operative in charge of the CIA. You know, unless Mr. Bildin al-Bombir hides his past terrorism by including every bombing he helped plan on his LinkedIn account.
Last night, Republican primary candidates faced off once again in debate, this time in Colorado on CNBC. The winner? Lying and skirting questions.
Donald Trump denied criticizing Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg for his stance on immigration, even though the words from the question came from his own web site.
Dr. Ben Carson denied ever promoting legally- and nutritionally-dubious supplement company Mannatech despite repeated reporting and photo evidence that he, in fact, did.
Sen. Ted Cruz refused to answer a question about the issues — in his case, debt and the budget deals that he opposes — because he claimed that wasn’t a question about the issues.
All in all, the Republican candidates are once again asking voters who they’re gonna believe: them, or the media that keeps quoting them. And not trusting the media is exactly how they got blindsided in 2012, lest they forget this scene:
But, hey, maybe that’s the problem. Maybe they didn’t bury their heads deep enough.
In less than a few hours after Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker bowed out of the Republican Party’s primary for the 2016 presidential election, all 13 remaining GOP candidates have swarmed Carl, the one guy who planned to vote for Walker, making up his entire 1.8 percent of positive polling numbers.
Carl reported first being approached by Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Tx.), who immediately began taking the Wisconsin native’s measurement and muttering under his breath about a new coat. “This was weird to me because I already have a coat, and it couldn’t be for him because he wasn’t wearing one,” Carl said.
He then was approached by former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush, who held his hand out respectfully and allowed Carl to smell his hand before gently petting him behind the ears with two fingers.
This calm, pleasant moment lasted seconds before hearing the shout of, “An unaffiliated Republican voter” from 11 varyingly affected Southern drawls. He was then mobbed by Sen. Marco Rubio, Carly Fiorino, Dr. Ben Carson, Mike Huckabee, Rand Paul, John Kasich, Jim Gilmore, Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal and Sen. Lindsay Graham. In the scrum to win his support, Carl has received a torn shirt, bruised ribs and an unexplained case of pink eye. His left shoe is still missing, but suspected to be firmly in the Rubio camp.
Donald Trump has reportedly already counted Carl’s vote as his own, having called him a loser who knows a good thing when he sees one. “That’s me, morons,” Trump clarified.