Tag: ted kennedy

Which means they should serve jury duty for us

Fortunately for Teddy, none of the other candidates are named Jacob.Ever since Ted Kennedy bowed out of the health care debate due to a pre-existing condition, four candidates in Massachusetts are trying to out lib each other to replace him.

In the latest effort for each to paint the other three as downright gunsmoking fascists, three of them said they support lowering the voting age from 18 to 17.

If this happens, the percentage of sober voters is expected to triple. However, the candidates will have shot themselves in the foot if Kennedy returns from the dead.

Ted Kennedy would have wanted it this way

Does your state have an official sandwich? No? Well maybe your state just doesn’t care about you like Massachusetts. There, state legislators are trying to get the Fluffernutter named the sandwich of the state.

One would imagine they got to talking about this around the table comparing Ninja Turtles lunch boxes and swinging their feet in their tall chairs.

Wave the bloody sock

In case you hadn’t heard, Sen. Ted Kennedy died last week. Unlike Chicago, the U.S. Senate does not let dead people vote, so the Commonwealth of Massachusetts is in a wicked pickle. They need to replace Kennedy and they need to do it as soon as state law allows them (five months) so that they can really be represented.

And just like when Superman was died, all of a sudden a bunch of impostors have come crawling out of the woodwork. The list is long, but the most recent name added is that of former Boston Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling.

In a radio interview, Schilling said the Republican party had contacted him about running for the vacant seat, but the limping millionaire was tight lipped as to whether he was thinking about it.

“Asked whether he would run, Schilling said, ‘As of today, probably not.'”

Ladies and gentlemen, there you have it. Curt Schilling will seek the vacant seat in the Senate!

You Missed It: Bad year to be old and famous edition

It’s Friday! You know what that means, Michael Jackson is still dead of a drug overdose. Only now we know which ones, WOOOOOOO! If you were busy banning robocalls this week, odds are you missed it.

The lion sleeps permanently
Senator Edward “Ted” Kennedy died this week after battling brain cancer. He died a matter of weeks after his sister Eunice. He is survived by his wife Vicki, sons Edward and Patrick, daughter Kara, stepchildren, grandchildren, his former wife, Joan Kennedy, and his lifelong companion, Johnny Walker.

‘How dare you besmirch my Playboy playmate girlfriend’s honor?’
Brody Jenner, star of The Hills, accused Joe Francis of Girls Gone Wild fame of beating his girlfriend this week. The two men had a fight in a Hollywood club, in a rare battle where one hopes both parties lose. Apparently, someone was Tasered. TMZ, where’s the footage?

iCommunism
Apple Inc. has just signed a deal to sell iPhones in China. Two versions of the phone (which is made there, by the way) will be on sale in China as soon as the fourth quarter of this year. In future news, China would like to sell you an unlocked iPhone for really, really cheap. Special price.