New study reveals teens still lie about sex

So, in spite of rising STD and pregnancy rates, a new study claims that abstinence-only education is “working.”

If you’re anything like the Guys, you’re probably wondering, “How is that working?” Because the study moved the goalposts.

The success of abstinence-only education is now based on how many teens have sex afterwards. You know, because it’s OK if less teens have more babies and genital warts.

It may be like saying that there’s less overall crime, but there’s more rape and murder than ever. But at least we finally got littering under control!

Teen pregnancy up because of (adult) stupidity

First off, this article wins our coveted Headline of the Day: “Teen birth rates up in 26 states.” If you thought Benjamin Button was bad, people are giving birth to nasty, surly teenagers!

But seriously (guys), let’s take a look at this very serious article about a very serious problem:

“The latest data on teen birth rates shows significant increases in 26 states, according to government data out today, which suggests that the rise in teens having babies is geographically broad-based and represents most regions of the USA.”

Wow, that’s really serious. The entire country is knocking up teens? All 26 states?

“The highest teen birth rates are in the South and Southwest; Mississippi is highest with 68.4 per 1,000, followed by New Mexico, with a rate of 64.1 and Texas, with 63.1. The lowest rates are in the Northeast. New Hampshire had the fewest teen births with 18.7 per 1,000. Vermont, with 20.8 per 1,000, and Massachusetts, with 21.3 per 1,000, were also low. Decreases were noted in New York, North Dakota, Rhode Island and the District of Columbia.”

Nope, just the South. Continue reading Teen pregnancy up because of (adult) stupidity

Stupid parents have stupid kids

Some alarmists out there are pointing at a new study to say that purity pledges don’t work for teenagers.

Despite promising — in exchange for cheap, mass-produced silver* rings — to remain virgins until marriage, teens are still having premarital sex.

However, teens that break their pledges are more likely to make up for it by keeping another lesson from their parents close to heart: not to use contraception.

So, if you’re a moron and you have teenage kids, don’t give up. Keep preaching stupid ideas to your kids and some of them will leak through that acne medication of theirs.

*Silver purity rings from Wal-Mart may contain percentages of lead exceeding actual silver content.

Take it from Snee: Lightning Round 2

Way back in June, I looked at a number of misconceptions out there and explained why they were wrong. These were brief, yet concise pockets of correctness that should have solved all of the stupid around me.

Alas, I’ve just found more conventional “wisdoms” that boggle the mind. (Go figure, it’s an election year.)

So, sit down, shut off that damn music and pay attention. You should only have to read this article once, because I’m not kicking your brain any more than I have to. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Lightning Round 2

Hold this aspirin between your knees

People, we’ve got a situation here. The Republican vice presidential nomination has a pregnant teenage daughter.

Jamie Lynn Spears, Britney’s sister, is due to pop out the latest infant sensation any day now.

Oh, and Juno was a very popular movie.

The experts are rightly questioning abstinence-only education with the rising numbers of real and fake teen pregnancies. We, as The Guys, agree and have only one question for today’s educators:

Who forgot to teach teens how to pull out?!

You Missed It: Aw nuts edition

One again, we find ourselves at the end of the work week. For those of you who missed us last Friday (and we know you didn’t), fear not, we have returned once more. If you were too busy watching your mortgage company go under this week, odds are you missed it.

The ‘G’ stands for ‘green’
Leaders met in Japan this week for the Group of Eight summit in order to talk about important things that only the really, really important nations care about. One of the biggest decisions to come out of the summit was the agreement to cut greenhouse gas emissions in half by 2050. After the leaders agreed, they all had a big laugh and swirled the ice cubes in their scotch.

You’re out
Yankee All-Star Alex Rodriguez’s wife filed for divorce this week. Something about how he has been caught cheating on her numerous times while she has been taking care of the kids. Happy to hear the announcement are ladies across the country and teammate Derek Jeter.

Don’t sugar coat it, Reverend
Rev. Jesse Jackson apologized this week for remarks he made about Sen. Barack Obama that were recorded accidentally into an open microphone after an interview. Jackson said, “See, Barack’s been talking down to black people … I want to cut his nuts off.” An extra Secret Service agent has been posted to guard Obama’s crotch around the clock.

High school has changed so much since I was there
A new study shows that for the first time since 1991, U.S. teen pregnancy rates are rising. No one seems to have a clear reason for the sudden increase, but point to high-profile teen pregnancies this that of Jamie Lynn Spears, 17, and the girls of Gloucester High School as possible influences. We here at SG have no idea what or who could be responsible for it.