Chinese: ‘Crisis’ is the same word as ‘slow news day’

President Barack Obama announced in a press conference today that he is preparing for the potential crisis of his oldest daughter, Malia, becoming a teenager next month.

House Republicans have already responded by introducing bills to:

  • Deregulate Malia’s curfew.
  • Grant Congress final approval over boyfriend nominations.
  • Set up a panel to determine if the President is impeachable if his daughter wishes aloud that she was adopted.

Hindsight and dialysis are 20/20

We’ve talked to you before about the Cult of Steve. They’re a fairly extreme group of people who must have the newest Apple device or software, come Hell or high water. And for full disclosure purposes, I own a (soon to be) 3-year-old Macbook, an iPhone 3G and my iPhone 4 came into my hands a day before it went on sale nationwide. Nonetheless …

… there is no got-damn way that I’d sell my organs for an i-device. However, I’d willingly sell someone else’s organs to get an iPad 2.

Sadly, I’ll have to look somewhere other than Shanghai as a teenager’s almost beat me to it. A 17-year-old sold one of his kidneys to buy the Apple tablet. So, how did the decision turn out for him?

Apparently, not too great. According to the article, he only ended up with a laptop and an iPhone, not quite the i-device he wanted. Oh, and a bad case of buyers remorse. Maybe he’ll get lucky and only contract iAbetes!

Exercise is the new green tea

If you’re reading this, you’re probably not exercising. That’s OK. After reading this, you’ll be inspired to begin immediately.

As we reported earlier, your baby is fat. Babies, however, are also notoriously lazy: demanding to be carried, soiling themselves and not even bothering to chew their food. But, pregnant mothers who exercise give birth to smaller babies, which delays their inevitable chunking-up by a year or so.

Exercise also may treat depression and anxiety. Researchers believe the increased activity makes you too tired to care about your naggy, fat baby or dead end job.

And, if you thought your baby was good for nothing, that was nothing compared to their teenage years. Fortunately, it appears your teenager can overcome your fat genes by exercising for one hour a day.

It’s only a matter of time now before exercise is recommended for curing sprained ankles, heat exhaustion, drowning, heart attacks and asthma. Now run! Run until your herpes clear up!

Welche erstaunlichen Energien er hat

Recently, a German teenager was hit by a meteorite. Despite what you may think, the sky is not falling, though Michael Bay may have been passing through town that day; however, we’re not out of the clear, as there’re still a few things to take into consideration.

  • Best case scenario: The boy is now infused with powers and decides to help and aid humanity.
  • Bad case scenario: The boy is infused with powers. Unfortunately, being a teenager, he knows not of right from wrong, and as such, he crushes the planet beneath his boot-heel.
  • Worst case scenario: The boy is infused with powers … and is a Nazi. Not only does this article get Godwin’d, but he decides to crush all the unclean for the master race. We’re boned.
  • Worstest case scenario: The boy is infused with powers and becomes Meteor Man. As in, the Robert Townsend movie Meteor Man. We are all super-boned.

Teenagers: Can’t live with them, send them to prison

Like a new puppy, kids start out all right. They eat cheap, simple meals. When they bite you, it’s adorable because they don’t have teeth. When you shake them, they make an adorable gassy face as their eyes cross.

Unfortunately, like puppies, they grow out of that. (Most of the time.) What to do with a pimply squawking teenager, what … to … do …

Oh, we know! Send them to prison! And just to make sure they don’t come back to live in your basement, sentence them to stay there for life without parole!

If you are a parent and do not live in Alaska, Colorado, Kansas, New Mexico or Oregon, then your state has no penal code against sending your spawn to prison for the rest of your life. More than 2,000 households are currently adolescent-free (73 of which got rid of theirs at 13- or 14-years-old); why not yours?

And if the terrible twos are driving you to your wits’ end, there are 19 states that are able to sentence little Damien to life without parole. You may not want to make a man out of him, but there are some inmates who do!

Thanks to some meddlesome liberal do-gooders, this may be a limited time offer, so act now!

Sexual frustration > gaming frustration

News bite: A high school student, frustrated, over a recent gaming session at an Internet café in South Korea set light to a warehouse Saturday evening.

The 15-year-old told police that he torched the warehouse, located at the top of a four-story building, because “his computer games did not go well.” The fire did an estimated four million won in damage.

Nice going, kid. It’s good that Korea isn’t letting a nasty stereotype stop them from being socially awkward.

Protip: Threatening suicide can get you arrested

Especially if you’re only rocking a Vorpal Blade of +5 constitution.

A teenager in Middletown, Ohio, learned that threatening to commit suicide while in a chat during a session of World of Warcraft can get you arrested. While talking with a Blizzard rep in-game, he made a phony threat, to which the rep quickly phoned in the faux call for help to police. The unnamed teen was promptly arrested on misdemeanor charges.

He was quoted as claiming, “The game is the only thing [I have] to live for.”

Seriously, WoW players? You make it far easier than I’d ever believe most of the time.