All throughout The Guys’ childhood, adolescence, teenage and even college years, it just seemed really cool to not follow the rules. Whether that was cutting in line, stealing a Snickers bar, boosting a car or trespassing on a playground in the middle of night, we just thought it was so much better to do wrong than right.
How the times have changed. The Federal Trade Commission has put together a report stating that punk teenagers sneaking into the movie they’re not old enough to see yet is at an all time low. Teenagers playing the role of mystery shoppers (known as narcs in my day) have begun to see a new rule of cool, eliminating the usage of CAPS-LOCK and wearing sunglasses at night, but instead being prevented from buying M-rated games and R-rated tickets to movies.
What does this mean? Next time you think you’ve got that hook-up, you might want to double check it, just in case.
Kids. Teenagers. Adolescents. None of them had it as rough as we did when we were their age.
Oh sure, they may think the opposite. “Keep it coming, old man. You’re full of baloney. No, malarkey.” (This begs the question of just how annoying youngster hipsters have become if they’re using ages-old phrases, but I digress.) But it’s true! They don’t!
For years, fathers have been warned that if they neglect their daughters as children, then they might as well put them on the pole themselves. But, a new study posits that mothers who don’t form a strong enough bond with their toddlers will turn them into fat teenagers.
But, let’s not get too cocky, dads. This fight isn’t settled until the individual gender studies come out. If the sons of crappy moms also end up marrying older, matronly women, then you can put your “booya” pants on.
The researchers believe that girls switched over to the pill after their first time, which might be one cause for 51 percent of girls discontinuing to use condoms afterwards. This lead to uses of condoms inconsistent with their recommended instructions, as boys found they had the rest of a box left.
From what we can tell, the rest were used to:
Keep spare gym socks dry
Take the “Hepatitis” out of “Hillbilly Hand-fishin'”
Lube up and separate pennies from the rest of their pocket change
Parents, if you thought your work was over: think again.
We’ve locked down every gateway to teenage sex and drinking, whether that gateway was pot, rock and roll, Satanism, thong underwear, birth control, spanking, video games, prime time television, gay teachers, violent cartoons, Sudafed, aerosol cans, presidential “bee-jays,” cleavage on Sesame Street, soccer games with clear-cut winners, candy cigarettes, red ink, trans fats, method acting, driving with passengers, Catholicism, scrambled pornography, comic books, music videos, the rap music, Bratz dolls, Woodrow Wilson, The Catcher in the Rye and that hairy bush from High School Musical.
I mean, really … yowch (link is potentially Not Safe For Work).
Breaking up is hard to do, and teenagers are super emotional (hilariously making them lamer than they can even believe), but nonetheless … yeesh. There are somethings a lad can do to get over being dumped, but to quote a line from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, “he chose poorly.”
Glass half full side: some old and unmarried woman is going to get her wish the next time she tosses a penny down the well.