Kansas moves to ban bad dogs from running for governor

It’s nice to see some common-sense solutions being brought forward by our leaders for a change. Our friends in Kansas are our to make sure no animal tries to take over their government again.

Last week we told you about how Hutch the dog tried to run for governor, but was denied. (Bad dog, Hutch!) The Kansas House of Representatives just passed a bill restricting who can run for governor. If it becomes law, no animal would be able to run for governor ever again.

Of course, the bill would also block minors from running for governor, too. But when have people under the age of 18 ever sought to make their community a better place?

Kids now think it’s cool to follow the rules

All throughout The Guys’ childhood, adolescence, teenage and even college years, it just seemed really cool to not follow the rules. Whether that was cutting in line, stealing a Snickers bar, boosting a car or trespassing on a playground in the middle of night, we just thought it was so much better to do wrong than right.

How the times have changed. The Federal Trade Commission has put together a report stating that punk teenagers sneaking into the movie they’re not old enough to see yet is at an all time low. Teenagers playing the role of mystery shoppers (known as narcs in my day) have begun to see a new rule of cool, eliminating the usage of CAPS-LOCK and wearing sunglasses at night, but instead being prevented from buying M-rated games and R-rated tickets to movies.

What does this mean? Next time you think you’ve got that hook-up, you might want to double check it, just in case.

Kids these days and their driver’s licenses

Kids. Teenagers. Adolescents. None of them had it as rough as we did when we were their age.

Oh sure, they may think the opposite. “Keep it coming, old man. You’re full of baloney. No, malarkey.” (This begs the question of just how annoying youngster hipsters have become if they’re using ages-old phrases, but I digress.) But it’s true! They don’t!

See, there is information (with charts! CHARTS! [and by plural charts, I mean one chart]) that now correlates this information: an ever-growing amount of American kids are refusing to get their driver’s license at the earliest age possible. This isn’t necessarily due to teenagers and young adults not passing their tests on the first go. It’s also because of other reasons: rising home income of parents, stricter regulations regarding obtaining a license and Callfield of Battleduty.

Note: one of those reasons may not actually be true.

Finally, the bad parenting tables even out

For years, fathers have been warned that if they neglect their daughters as children, then they might as well put them on the pole themselves. But, a new study posits that mothers who don’t form a strong enough bond with their toddlers will turn them into fat teenagers.

But, let’s not get too cocky, dads. This fight isn’t settled until the individual gender studies come out. If the sons of crappy moms also end up marrying older, matronly women, then you can put your “booya” pants on.

Inconstant teenaged spermicidal rage

A federal survey by the National Center for Health Statistics found that more teens are using condoms, but are doing so inconsistently. According to the resulting National Survey of Family Growth over 80 percent of teens from 2006-2010 reported using condoms for their first sexual encounter.

The researchers believe that girls switched over to the pill after their first time, which might be one cause for 51 percent of girls discontinuing to use condoms afterwards. This lead to uses of condoms inconsistent with their recommended instructions, as boys found they had the rest of a box left.

From what we can tell, the rest were used to:

  • Keep spare gym socks dry
  • Take the “Hepatitis” out of “Hillbilly Hand-fishin'”
  • Lube up and separate pennies from the rest of their pocket change
  • Jazz up their singing voices with sex-muted mics
  • Mule drugs

Texting: the new, new gateway

Parents, if you thought your work was over: think again.

We’ve locked down every gateway to teenage sex and drinking, whether that gateway was pot, rock and roll, Satanism, thong underwear, birth control, spanking, video games, prime time television, gay teachers, violent cartoons, Sudafed, aerosol cans, presidential “bee-jays,” cleavage on Sesame Street, soccer games with clear-cut winners, candy cigarettes, red ink, trans fats, method acting, driving with passengers, Catholicism, scrambled pornography, comic books, music videos, the rap music, Bratz dolls, Woodrow Wilson, The Catcher in the Rye and that hairy bush from High School Musical.

We found a new one for you to go after: texting.

Get panicking! Their next text could be the text that makes you a horrible mom or dad.

Hey! Teacher! Let them sleep it off!

A study by Dr. Robert Vorona, a sleep medicine professor at Eastern Virginia Medical School in Norfolk, Va., suggests that teen drivers get into more accidents the earlier they wake up. He suggests opening high schools later in the day to resolve this problem.

Finally, somebody gets it. If you don’t want teens on the road when they’re still drunk, let them sleep it off a little longer.

This plan is a win-win:

1. The teens get to tie one on and still graduate, and

2. Only the teacher’s lounge will still smell like gin.


I mean, really … yowch (link is potentially Not Safe For Work).

Breaking up is hard to do, and teenagers are super emotional (hilariously making them lamer than they can even believe), but nonetheless … yeesh. There are somethings a lad can do to get over being dumped, but to quote a line from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, “he chose poorly.”

Glass half full side: some old and unmarried woman is going to get her wish the next time she tosses a penny down the well.