CDC: We’re officially cooler than teenagers

In Lobot's defense, he has a lot of stress to manage.
In Lobot’s defense, he has a lot of stress to manage.

Everyone point at vaping teenagers and laugh! For the first time since the mid-20th Century, adults are officially cooler than teenagers because we don’t smoke robot cigarettes just for the sake of them.

While adults use e-cigarettes to quit smoking much cooler –but also much more disgusting — tobacco cigarettes, teenagers are skipping straight ahead to sucking off Lobot’s pencil dick.

So, bow down to your adult betters, dorks. And while you’re down there, take your “baes,” Selena Gomezes and dubstep with you.

Well … maybe leave the dubstep.

Different kind o’ fire pit

Ahoy there, mateys! Today be Talk Like A Pirate Day. The Guys will be postin’ accordin’ly, lest ye think we all had strokes overnight.

We love when the media be causin’ a panic an’ jumpin’ to conclusions. Remember “the knockout game” that wasn’t really a thing? We’re hopin’ the next craze be the armpit fire game.

Five teenagers in Idaho were injured in a crash when someone set the driver o’ the SUV’s armpit hair ablaze. It not be hard to imagine the panic when the captain o’ the land ship felt a burnin’. The local authorities charged the driver and the teen with the lighter.

Hang up and let your kid drive

"I learned it from you, Dad! Alright? I learned it from texting you!"
“You, alright?! I learned it by texting you!

According to a recent survey presented to the American Psychological Association, parents who text and call their teenagers while said teens are driving have children who text and use the phone while driving. Of polled teens, 53 percent of polled teens who talked on the phone behind the wheel talked to a parent

‘Teens told us parents really expected to keep track of them, and they are expected to answer the phone if the parent calls. In some cases, the parent might continue to call until the teen answers,’ says Noelle LaVoie, a psychologist in Petaluma, Calif., whose private research firm conducts corporate and government studies.

So, the next time a teen dings your ’04 Sentra, send the bill to their parents. After all, they’re the ones who can afford the helicopter they’re using to keep constant tabs on their offspring.

‘My eyelids are chapped, dude’

The next time you see someone with some Burt’s Bees lip balm, you don’t have to assume they’re high because they are clearly a hippie, you can assume it because they are also teenagers.

The media just found out that some teens somewhere are using Burt’s Bees lip balm to get high or something, and promptly went into “OH MY GOD IT’S ANOTHER KNOCK OUT GAME, WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE YOUTH?!?!” mode. Apparently, kids put the stuff on their eye lids because the peppermint makes them feel all tingly and enhances their buzz on other things, like booze. It’s called “Beezin,'” because creativity is too much work, dude.

Take solace, hysterical parents who assume that because a few kids are doing something that every kid is doing it, at least they’re not eyeballing.

The McBournie Minute: Will you go with me to prom?

With ads for formal wear and spots about the consequences of drinking and driving, it can only mean that prom season is here once again. Yes, that beloved ritual of looking good but not being allowed to do anything about it is upon the high-schoolers of our great nation. Very soon, parents will be spending way too much for their daughters’ dresses, and boys will send Axe body spray stock prices through the roof.

It’s awkward, it’s gaudy and it tends to go viral several times over lately. I’m here today to put on my old man hat (which is not turned backwards) to discuss what prom is today, as I understand it, and why it makes no damn sense to me.

So come on kids, you won’t get this dressed up again until your next failed job interview. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Will you go with me to prom?

Kids now think it’s cool to follow the rules

All throughout The Guys’ childhood, adolescence, teenage and even college years, it just seemed really cool to not follow the rules. Whether that was cutting in line, stealing a Snickers bar, boosting a car or trespassing on a playground in the middle of night, we just thought it was so much better to do wrong than right.

How the times have changed. The Federal Trade Commission has put together a report stating that punk teenagers sneaking into the movie they’re not old enough to see yet is at an all time low. Teenagers playing the role of mystery shoppers (known as narcs in my day) have begun to see a new rule of cool, eliminating the usage of CAPS-LOCK and wearing sunglasses at night, but instead being prevented from buying M-rated games and R-rated tickets to movies.

What does this mean? Next time you think you’ve got that hook-up, you might want to double check it, just in case.

Kids these days and their driver’s licenses

Kids. Teenagers. Adolescents. None of them had it as rough as we did when we were their age.

Oh sure, they may think the opposite. “Keep it coming, old man. You’re full of baloney. No, malarkey.” (This begs the question of just how annoying youngster hipsters have become if they’re using ages-old phrases, but I digress.) But it’s true! They don’t!

See, there is information (with charts! CHARTS! [and by plural charts, I mean one chart]) that now correlates this information: an ever-growing amount of American kids are refusing to get their driver’s license at the earliest age possible. This isn’t necessarily due to teenagers and young adults not passing their tests on the first go. It’s also because of other reasons: rising home income of parents, stricter regulations regarding obtaining a license and Callfield of Battleduty.

Note: one of those reasons may not actually be true.

Finally, the bad parenting tables even out

For years, fathers have been warned that if they neglect their daughters as children, then they might as well put them on the pole themselves. But, a new study posits that mothers who don’t form a strong enough bond with their toddlers will turn them into fat teenagers.

But, let’s not get too cocky, dads. This fight isn’t settled until the individual gender studies come out. If the sons of crappy moms also end up marrying older, matronly women, then you can put your “booya” pants on.