Tag: teenagers

You eyeballin’ me, boy?

No? Then you must not be very cool.

“Eyeballing“–which the kids pronounce with an emphasis on the “g” at the end as they’re all about annunciation these days–is a new teenaged drinking trend where high schoolers pour vodka into each others’ eyes.

The process reportedly gets them drunker faster and can cause corneal scarring. Also, it makes for “totes sweet YouTubes.”

If you are a parent, your child could be doing this … right now. To call them out on it, look for the following warning signs:

  • Red, swollen eyes that have difficulty focusing or holding down a job.
  • Visine bottles that reek of potatoes.
  • Lingo like “Pinko Eye,”Gawking at Lenin’s Tomb”,” “social justice” and, when asked if they’ve been drinking, they reply, “N’yet.”

Once you have diagnosed the problem, please, teach your teenager how to drink like a normal child.

The birds and the teens

As providers of news and entertainment, The Guys listen good and hard when it comes to your tastes. In that vein, we bring you TEENAGE SEX!

Talk dirty to them
A New York City judge ruled that it was wrong for the Department of Education to suspend a sex education teacher for using vulgar terms in class. In the reading of his decision, Judge Jack Weinstein said, “At least she didn’t f#@k them.”

That’s a wrap
Washington, D.C. officials are now giving out bigger condoms to high school and college students after receiving complaints that the previous ones were too small and brittle. The male students are happier, adding that now they just need to find people to have sex with their “giant monster dongs.”

It worked for Beethoven

If you’ve ever encountered children, then we will guarantee you’ve wanted to hit at least one of them. Don’t get all defensive; some of them practically ask for it.

For some reason, this practice has been frowned upon, resulting in criminal charges and governments taking children away. And as of lately, you can’t even shake a baby when they get unruly, even if they have a gun!

Fortunately, Marjorie Gunnoe of Calvin College is on our side! Psychology professor Gunnoe has found in her research that children smacked before the age of six are more likely to perform better at school, do voluntary work and want to go to college when they are teenagers than their non-tenderized peers.

Our only suggestion? If you’re going to sock your toddler for airline terrorism, avoid the head. They’ll need that for the college they want to attend.

Fact and fiction still hard to separate

There’s a new uproar in the world today.

No, it’s not about Obama. That’s so last week.

No, it’s not about Michael Jackson. That’s so Monday.

No, it’s not about Jon and Kate. That’s just sad.

The big uproar is over marketing, that devious tool of the devil. A billboard has been erected (heh heh heh) in Deep River, Connecticut, to help promote underage drinking. That’s a good cause, right? How could you ever think such a thing?! It shows a baby around a beer bottle and a number of empty beer bottles around a teen couple. The madness!

Except it’s an assumption that the bottle by the baby is a beer bottle or that it’s filled. A gross and wild assumption. But hey, that’s never stopped people before, right?

It’s OK to say no

Hey girls, we need to have a little chat. The Guys know what it’s like to be a teenager, we know it’s tough, and we also know you want to do anything for the boys to like you. We were the same way once–well, you know what we mean.

But it’s important for you to know that you shouldn’t hide a gun for a boy even though he asked you to. You don’t always have to say yes, especially when it comes to firearms. So, in review, have some self-respect. Don’t hide guns for a dude–unless he’s really cute.

Stupid parents have stupid kids

Some alarmists out there are pointing at a new study to say that purity pledges don’t work for teenagers.

Despite promising — in exchange for cheap, mass-produced silver* rings — to remain virgins until marriage, teens are still having premarital sex.

However, teens that break their pledges are more likely to make up for it by keeping another lesson from their parents close to heart: not to use contraception.

So, if you’re a moron and you have teenage kids, don’t give up. Keep preaching stupid ideas to your kids and some of them will leak through that acne medication of theirs.

*Silver purity rings from Wal-Mart may contain percentages of lead exceeding actual silver content.

Teenager Power!

No pizzas can save you now! NONE!

Not one adolescent male hated the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in the 80s. They were easily part of the five figure groups for boys toys. I’ll easily admit that even I dressed up as one for Halloween. Turtles were awesome.

However, playing TMNT back then was acceptable. Playing TMNT now just gets you lost in sewers. Especially if you’re 17. And living in Queens. I mean, if you reside there, then Spider-Man should be your hero, not the turtles. Everyone knows that they resided under Brooklyn.

Probably the coup-de-gras of the situation was posted by one of the police officers:

“These three idiots were playing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wanted to go into the sewers,” said one police source. “They were never in danger, just goofing off and being stupid.”

You know you’ve messed up bad when a police officer is belittling you in a public forum.

Teen drivers with ADHD are people …

… And by that, we mean they’re people who shouldn’t drive. At all.

It’s been proven (by being written in this article) that ADHD teens “are impulsive, highly distractible and clumsy, can’t pay attention to the roadway and they get bored easily.” Not only that, but they’re on medication–just like old people!

Look, we understand they have AIDS or something, and that it’s not their fault that they got their disorder by smoking and living under power lines, but do the rest of us seriously need to suffer?

It’s not like ADHD teens need to drive anyway. Sure, they’ll get in the car to drive you to dance class, but halfway there, they’ll just get distracted and you’re stranded at the pet shop–out of gas, of course.

So if you’re the parent of an ADHD teen, please, don’t let them drive. Or ride a bike. Or leave the house. Thank you.

First Mexico, now England rattles anti-emo sabre

England is waking up to realize a menace is upon them. “A sinister cult,” as The Daily Mail puts it, obsessed with self-harm and suicide. A threat that America has just about wedgied out of existence and that Mexico put to the lash.

We are speaking, of course, about emos.

Now, this article doesn’t guarantee action, but it is the first step towards British involvement:

  1. Point at someone and say, “Wot is this all about?”
  2. Remind that person that they are British: “Stand up now, Guvnah. You’re British.”
  3. If they are not, in fact, British, condemn them: “Now that’s downright bawmy. Away with you, you little bugger.”
  4. When words fail, fetch a “Constable” or perhaps “engage in some fisticuffs.”

The empire is just about poised to strike back … at sad little teenagers.