T. rex puppet not allowed to take enlistment oath, Army says

Clever girl.

The right to dinosaur arms has been infringed upon in Tennessee, we are sad to report.

The Tennessee National Guard has two jobs: two guard the border with Kentucky, and to bring sand bags when Nashville floods. It’s a very serious job, and the state Air National Guard takes it so seriously that it posted a video of a re-enlistment ceremony where the service member had a T. rex puppet on her hand.

Master Sgt. Robin Brown is a part of the Tennessee Air National Guard’s public affairs office — at least she was until the video of her re-enlistment got some negative feedback. The U.S. Army, typically known for its sense of humor, has pulled Brown off of public affairs, and even demoted the colonel who administered the oath her Brown and her dinosaur.

They said it was for mocking an honored tradition, but really, it’s because of the awful attempt at ventriloquism.

Time Travel: The new weapon in the War on Animals?

The Guys have long advocated a ban on time travel research, but we also really hate animals. Especially the ones with “killer” in their names: killer whales, false killer whales (who aren’t fooling anybody) and definitely killer bees.

The latter is what has us reconsidering our stance on time travel, so long as it remains solely in the hands of the military for animal fighting purposes. A hive of partially Africanized honeybees was found in east Tennessee, the first ever found in the state. The bees were only 17 percent Africanized, yet poured out of their hive to sting their beekeeper through his protective suit 30 times. He was only able to escape by hopping into his car and driving for five minutes before the bees ended their pursuit.

State officials were able to wipe out the colony with a little duct tape, elbow grease and ether, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t more out there. Perhaps with time travel we can travel back to 1957 and b&$chslap Warwick Estevam Kerr before he could unleash his unholy menace upon us.

Swimming with the bulls

Should we start a Copy of the Day award? Because we have a humdinger of a winner:

“A spill of frozen bull semen bound for a breeder in the state of Texas triggered a scare on Tuesday that temporarily shut down a U.S. interstate highway during the morning rush hour.

“The incident began when the driver of a Greyhound bus carrying the freight alerted the fire department he had lost a part of his load while negotiating the ramp on a highway near Nashville.”

But, wait! There’s a Quote of the Day, too:

“‘It was no different to us than if a mattress fell off a truck,’ said transportation spokeswoman B.J. Doughty.”

If you think this story is bulls#&t, you’d be wrong.

Take it from Snee: America steps it up

Some people out there would balk at a plan to burn a heap of Korans on September 11. Not I. I don’t know how to balk. I once thought I balked, but everyone agreed that it was nothing like a balk and I most likely mistook caulking for the act I intended.

The point is: desecrating the holy scripture of the guys we’re too afraid to put in regular prison isn’t just OK; it’s the greatest idea that anyone–much less a Floridian—could ever think up. (Seriously, did Terry Jones hire a consultant?)

It is high time that a small group of Americans act on behalf of all of us and stick it to some non-believers. Hit the jump, and let’s light this trashcan full of Good News. Continue reading Take it from Snee: America steps it up

Art school financial aid of the dead

Jonathan Holstetler died last summer. The only thing is, he didn’t stay dead. The federal government knows what’s up: he died last August, but continues to try leeching off the system like so many undead do. Folks in Tennessee, sorry, the plague has hit your state.

Holstetler found out the government was on to his brain-eating scheme when he tried to apply for finacial aid for college. It is the policy of these United States of America to not give handouts to zombies, but this one refuses to give up. He’s taking his gripe to the local media, who are known to be anti-America and pro-undead.

You Missed It: Secret of the ooze edition

I’m back, I know both of you missed me. What did I miss while I was gone? Apparently, a fair amount. I would like to thank Chugs “Chris” Taylor not only for handling YMI in my absence, but for actively encouraging the ruination of my trip. He is the Glenn Beck of vacations. Anyway, if you were busy trying to keep brown people out of your state, odds are you missed it.

Where’s Bruce Willis from ‘Armageddon’ when you need him?
Oil drilling is dangerous, and like evil, man. You remember the eco-stoners in college, right? Now they have more fodder to preach. An oil slick in the Gulf of Mexico is beginning to wash ashore in Louisiana, with no end for at least a month. Pop the popcorn, then sit back and enjoy as the first images of bird covered in oil. That’s how we tar and feather our enemies in America, baby!

Don’t say we didn’t warn you
We’ve been telling you for years now that aliens are bad, and it looks like Stephen Hawking is joining our ranks. He said recently that mankind shouldn’t be so excited to rush off and find life on other planets, because there’s good chance that they are more advanced than us and will enslave us as soon as they realize we exist. After that, Hawking theorized, it will take Space Abraham Lincoln to save us.

Reminder: Your .45 is not a utensil
The Tennessee senate passed a bill this week that would require restaurants to put up signs reminding patrons that guns are not allowed. However, guns are allowed in bars. Can someone go let Plaxico Burress know about this when he gets out of jail?

The dead are getting into politics again

In Tennessee, they have a loose definition of the word “alive.”

Carl Robin Geary was running for mayor of Tracy City, Tennessee, but died weeks before the election. The only problem is he didn’t stay dead. His death didn’t even stop the campaign, or his supporters. As it ended up, Geary crushed his opponent in the recent election.

His opponent had been serving as mayor until the previous one died. We have no word on whether that mayor stayed dead.

Revolver Door: Repeat-offender firearms

It appears the Pentagon shooting could have been prevented.

According to law enforcement officials, the officers were shot by guns with a previous criminal history. Unfortunately, thanks to Tennessee and other states’ lax gun laws, the handguns were back out on the street, waiting to be bought legally by some guy, who would carry them so they could commit another crime.

The answer is simple, people. Once a gun has committed a violent crime, they have chosen to become enemies of the society we’ve worked to hard to make (by shooting the Native Americans that were in our way).

We’re not saying that all guns are bad–just the ones that go bad. So please, when you are about to bring a new gun into your home, make sure to give it a thorough background check before exposing it to your family.

I can easily see the confusion

It’s so very easy to get a Wii controller confused with a hand gun. I mean, just think of it:

  • One’s metal, the other’s plastic.
  • Their unique and distinctive shapes are so very similar to each other.
  • Wiimotes are well known for containing bullets.

Yup, if a child has easy access and reach to an already loaded handgun with the safety off and thus ends up fatally shooting him or herself with said gun, with the mother of said child in the same room as this is happening but not noticing any of it going on, it’s clearly because the child mistook the gun for a Wiimote … and certainly not bad parenting, right? Right?

Worst. Trade. EVER.

An idiot kid caused his middle school to be locked down this past week after bringing in a handgun. Not for stereotypical violent reasons, mind you. The boy had merely brought the firearm in to swap it for a PlayStation Portable. Clearly, the child isn’t exactly someone who’s readily aware of monetary value of items.

The boy nabbed the gun from his father’s collection, and brought it to Mason Middle School in Tacoma to trade with another kid. When I was his age, it was all about swapping POGs and the occasional basketball card. Okay, not so much POGS. No one liked those. I now have the delightful image of kids rifling through an armory like it was a deck of Pokémon Cards going, “Got, got, need, got, got, got need, need, got. I’ll swap yer .45 for my Winchester.”

The gun wasn’t loaded, but he did bring some ammo with him. The boy’s father also stated that a second gun had gone missing, and the school was locked down following rumors that it was floating around the campus somewhere. The boy himself is in juvenile detention.

Trying to trade a gun for a PSP? What a horrible deal.