Steer, deer attacks on the rise

We feel safe when we’re in civilization. We’re around other people, we’re close to bathrooms, and we generally don’t have to worry about animals. Maybe nowhere is safe now.

In Tennessee, patrons where enjoying being inside of a Waffle House and, we assume, eating waffles, when they saw deputies trying to corral a steer in the parking lot. The steer had reportedly gotten loose and was making its way through the town of Cookeville. Authorities were about to get the steer into the Waffle House parking lot, but it managed to slip past the police cars and continue on down the road. We don’t know what actually ended up happening to it. The citizens of Cookeville are no doubt living in fear.

And in Minnesota, a Wal-Mart was invaded by a deer. The beast made it to the pet aisle before some hero tackled it and put it in a headlock. Unfortunately, the Wal-Mart shoppers took pity on their attacker, and set him free outside the store.

Plastic toys can’t pee on people anymore

Outrage culture has gone too far once again. And it’s no surprise this time it’s in the liberal bastion known as Tennessee.

A woman dining at a Japanese steak house was forced to endure being sprayed with water. During the performance, a cook reportedly sprayed the woman with a plastic toy resembling a boy pulling his pants down and peeing. The woman was offended by the water spray, and told authorities she felt sexually assaulted.

No arrests were made after the toy was found to not have a penis. Yes, that is true.

Children discover hard sodas, which were clearly meant for them

Soda sales have been falling for years, as Americans slowly realize that sugar water really isn’t that good for us, after all. Fortunately, the recent craze in hard sodas is there to pick up the slack. And now, even the kids are getting in on it.

It shouldn’t be a surprise that alcoholic drinks that taste like root beer, ginger ale, orange soda and others are catching on with young people. Every generation gets the Boone’s Farm it deserves. But at an Applebee’s in Tennessee, three kids under the age of 12 were served hard root beer. The kids ordered root beer, and their father soon noticed they were served Not Your Father’s Root Beer (the title was literal in this case), and complained.

The kids implored their father to be cool about it, and said they just like to party every now and then.

Criticize your wife’s driving and she may run you over

It seems that behaving badly on Easter isn’t just a thing in Boston, they do it in Tennessee, too.

After a church service celebrating what is one of the holiest of Christian holidays (right up there with Christmas in July), a man made some derisive comments about his wife’s driving abilities. So she decided to prove her skills — by trying to run him over in the church parking lot.

Sure, she may have gotten arrested, but she proved her point.

Getting juiced up in Tennessee

They used to strap criminals into wooden chairs, then high amounts of electricity through their bodies until they were dead. Those were the good old day, weren’t they? Well happy days are coming back soon, Tennessee is working to jolt the electric chair back to the forefront.

State lawmakers want to reinstate Thomas Edison’s favorite form of execution for inmates on death row, should the drugs used for lethal injections become scarce. Bills in both the Tennessee House and Senate want to see inmates ride the lightning once again.

Time Travel: The new weapon in the War on Animals?

The Guys have long advocated a ban on time travel research, but we also really hate animals. Especially the ones with “killer” in their names: killer whales, false killer whales (who aren’t fooling anybody) and definitely killer bees.

The latter is what has us reconsidering our stance on time travel, so long as it remains solely in the hands of the military for animal fighting purposes. A hive of partially Africanized honeybees was found in east Tennessee, the first ever found in the state. The bees were only 17 percent Africanized, yet poured out of their hive to sting their beekeeper through his protective suit 30 times. He was only able to escape by hopping into his car and driving for five minutes before the bees ended their pursuit.

State officials were able to wipe out the colony with a little duct tape, elbow grease and ether, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t more out there. Perhaps with time travel we can travel back to 1957 and b&$chslap Warwick Estevam Kerr before he could unleash his unholy menace upon us.

Swimming with the bulls

Should we start a Copy of the Day award? Because we have a humdinger of a winner:

“A spill of frozen bull semen bound for a breeder in the state of Texas triggered a scare on Tuesday that temporarily shut down a U.S. interstate highway during the morning rush hour.

“The incident began when the driver of a Greyhound bus carrying the freight alerted the fire department he had lost a part of his load while negotiating the ramp on a highway near Nashville.”

But, wait! There’s a Quote of the Day, too:

“‘It was no different to us than if a mattress fell off a truck,’ said transportation spokeswoman B.J. Doughty.”

If you think this story is bulls#&t, you’d be wrong.

Take it from Snee: America steps it up

Some people out there would balk at a plan to burn a heap of Korans on September 11. Not I. I don’t know how to balk. I once thought I balked, but everyone agreed that it was nothing like a balk and I most likely mistook caulking for the act I intended.

The point is: desecrating the holy scripture of the guys we’re too afraid to put in regular prison isn’t just OK; it’s the greatest idea that anyone–much less a Floridian—could ever think up. (Seriously, did Terry Jones hire a consultant?)

It is high time that a small group of Americans act on behalf of all of us and stick it to some non-believers. Hit the jump, and let’s light this trashcan full of Good News. Continue reading Take it from Snee: America steps it up