Drinking: The real national pastime

As with most things in life, watching sports is better with alcohol. It turns out that here in America, if you’re watching a game, you’re probably drunk.

According to a recent poll of Americans who drink, almost no one watches sports without a buzz. Leading the way are football and baseball, with 84% and 78% saying they associate those sports with alcohol, respectively. These are followed by car racing, hockey, horse racing, basketball and boxing. The soberest sports out there, with less than half the respondents associating them with booze, are golf, soccer, beach volleyball and tennis. So basically, the sports people don’t watch anyway.

Now you have actual data to convince the bartender to turn off the Premier League.

Heat, drugs and Snoopy: The Australian Open

No one watches tennis. Scientific studies have proven this time and time again, yet they keep playing for some reason. The keepers of the sport know this, so they have come up with something to get people to watch major tennis events: allowing hallucinogenic drugs.

It’s not for the fans, they have to get their own. It’s the players who are on them, and they are tripping balls while they swat at ball at the Australian Open. Frank Dancevic, a Canadian who is also apparently a tennis player, collapsed on the court, or pitch, or something, in the middle of his first round match. He told the media he saw Snoopy just before he fainted. No doubt his trip was sponsored by MetLife.

Of course, officials are trying to cover up the use of illegal drugs, claiming that it’s the fact that they are playing in 108-degree heat, but we all know that’s a lie.

How To: Fake sports knowledge

“Hey, did you catch the game last night?”

“Oh, uh, yeah! Wow.”

“I know! I’m just glad Philly beat Tampa after that stupid call last time.”

“Yeah, who do the Bucs think they are? Good to see the Pirates get their due. So when’s the championship game?”

“Yeah, I’m gonna go over there now. If the wrong person sees me talking to you, I’m socially-obligated to beat you up.”

Was this your day?

If so, then it’s obvious that you don’t watch sports at all, which is fine, you know, since you were so busy with that manga marathon. Read on to learn how to fake sports knowledge (before some coworker beats you up in front of your boss). Continue reading How To: Fake sports knowledge

War at home and abroad

Tennis is not only one of the games you can play on a Wii, it is one of the most popular racket-based sports in Western culture (right after racket puck and racket futbol). But in England, one of the sport’s most hallowed events, Wimbledon, is under attack by pigeons.

Yes, pigeons like to land on the court during matches, but the Brits have a solution that we proudly endorse: shoot the bastards. That’s right, snipers will be employed at Wimbledon to take out pigeons before they can land or make one of their treacherous carpet bombs all over your shirt. If that does not work, we recommend calling in sportsman and proud warrior Randy Johnson.

Here at home, Americans are being attacked doing things we all do regularly. For example, checking the mail can even be dangerous. A New Hampshire woman received quite a shock when she found a non-poisonous corn snake in her mailbox. Worst of all, it did not have the required postage. We all know gerbils are sneaky, lethal pets ready to snap and maul the children. In Utah, a gerbil is being blamed for an accident when it escaped from its cage as its teen owner was transporting it in her car. Two people were sent to the hospital, the gerbil has yet to be charged.