WARNING: Scratching “yourself” with 10x your normal strength may lead to hazardous results.

Everyone just loves being a superhero. We mean, sure, being bad could be pretty cool, but ultimately, everyone wants to be the hero. Well, true believer, now you, too, can be Iron Man and only for the low, low price of $4200.

Cyberdyne, a Japanese technology firm that totally has nothing to do at all with the Cyberdyne of the Terminator/killer robot apocalypse film franchise, has begun building a powered exoskeleton suit for purchase. Named the HAL exoskeleton, it uses sensors to increase your strength to double the power. Possibly even tenfold.

Okay, so actually we just wanted to say the word tenfold.

Unfortunately, there are just a few things wrong with the situation:

  1. Even though the suits are only $4200 each, the annual production is limited to simply 400 units. By the time you finish this sentence, they’re probably all sold out.
  2. Cyberdyne? HAL? Anything combining these two words effectively means the end of mankind. We’re boned.
  3. Try to scratch your butt while wearing that thing. Don’t be surprised to hear the suit respond to you with, “I can’t do that, Dave.”

Japan already handing their nation to robots

It’s a well known and scientific fact that Japan has some of the worst teachers ever. Obviously bothered by seeing this documented in many real-life fictional accounts documentaries on film, Japanese teachers are sick and tired of dealing with their students, instead wishing to deal with the sharp-end of a knife instead. So, in order to combat this, Japan is putting Saya the robot into the classroom. You know, the same country with the rent-a-cop robot.

Saya has been used previously as a receptionist at an Israeli University, and — now that she’s moved up in life from there — she’s prepared to take on the classroom. The robot’s skill sets include “[being] multilingual, [organizing] set tasks for pupils, [calling] the roll and [getting] angry when the kids misbehave.” Thank god and the First Robotic Law that it can only get angry; it certainly can’t do anything about the students misbehaving.

Japan’s plan is to have a robot in every home by 2015. But certainly not more people. Nope. That’s out of the question. No coitus for the otakus. But now, not only will we have robots in every home, but we’ll have them in every school! This is fairly questionable, given that the AI has the intelligence of a two-year-old. More use for it will be created by the students that’ll learn how to manipulate it and turn it into Skynet a killing machine.

There’s only one thing to do: we have to fight these robots and put them down for good. Now, come with us if you want to live.

You Missed It: Damn dirty ape edition

This is the really sucky time of year. You’re broke from Valentine’s Day, it’s cold, and the only sports you can watch are those of college (sorry, NHL, you don’t count). We all just need to stick it out a few more weeks until the glory that is St. Patrick’s Day is upon us. So while we’re waiting for that time warp we ordered, here’s something to pass the time.

If you were busy putting out a new license agreement saying you own whatever users upload to your site, then retracting your statement, odds are you missed it.

Oh George, you certainly are a curious little monkey
Like most Americans, Sandra Herold of Stamford, Connecticut had a pet chimpanzee. It was so cute when she got it as a baby. She fed it well, trained it, slept next to it in a bed and even gave it kisses when she left the house. But one day, the chimp turned into a 200-lb. monster. It came out of nowhere. How could anyone see a large, powerful monkey with an owner whose mental stability is questionable be seen as a threat? On Monday, the chimp attacked a woman, nearly killing her. Police had to shoot the monkey. Remember: this could happen to you are your chimp, too.

Sharpton not an ally in the War on Animals
On Wednesday, the New York Post ran a political cartoon making reference to the chimp incident. It showed a dead chimp and two cops with guns, one saying inferring that a monkey had been the one working on the economic stimulus bill. The black community, lead in part by Rev. Al Sharpton, saw this as a racially insensitive cartoon. Because, you know, sensitivity is what we have all come to expect from a splashy tabloid like the Post.

Worst case: One could end up elected governor
A report from the military warned of giving machines too much killing power and autonomy this week. The U.S. Office of Naval Research report says that if we giving killing machines too much automated power, we could risk a machine mutiny and subsequent war against the human race. The report stressed extensive testing before unleashing any new robot weapons into the field, adding, “Dude, that new Terminator movie coming out this summer looks sa-weet!!!”

Remote control robot cop still better than mall security

We are now one step closer toward a robot apocalypse and it’s all thanks to a Japanese robot firm Tmsuk Co. and Alacom Co.

You Japanese panda jerks.

They have developed a robot named T-34 that protects things like businesses from robbers when the establishments are closed. The way this “robo-cop” works is by detecting intruders using movement sensors, and then alerting the robot’s master by cell phone of the intruder’s arrival. The master can then operate the robot in real-time and launch a net that traps the intruder; also it can move as fast as 6 mph, which is way faster than most of our readers some of the guys some people on the internet can run.

According to the firms,

“We have basically designed the robot for corporate use and we expect private security companies to buy them instead of using human guards, but there will also be those tailored for use in homes,”

These firms almost certainly spent a lot of money developing the T-34, with its cell phone remote, sensors, and (relatively) quick speeds. But seriously, using a net to apprehend someone? That’s just plain ridiculous! How hard can it be to escape from a net?

  1. The robot isn’t Spider-Man.
  2. The net isn’t sticky or anything.
  3. We’re not fish, Japan.

Though just its ability to inform the authorities and confirm a break-in is good enough for most applications. I’m just saying, is all. Still, in order to save face against our future robot overlords, I will singlehandedly show them where plenty of ugly flesh-humans locate. The first ones being probably Japan, you know, for the whole “creation of the robot apocalypse” thing. Hey, it’s my life over yours.

Internet activity stops after Emma Watson announcement

With the elections finally over — unless Georgia has any more overdue offices to fill — coupled with zero interest in foreign news, the Internet has officially frozen on news that Emma Watson, Hermione Granger in the Harry Potter movies, might do some nude scenes in future projects.

Since this announcement reached all blogs, online magazines and message boards this morning, all production of snarky t-shirts, LOLcats and satirical fake news posts have ceased, presumably as the entire Internet population has paused to masturbate.

Regular Internet users are distraught, users like Amanda Daniels, who had to do actual work today since the entire Buffy the Vampire Slayer fan forum went dead.

“Will nobody respond to my post about how Willow should make a crossover appearance in Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles?” Daniels said. “I mean, Hermione’s hot, but Alyson Hannigan and Summer Glau in my proposed shower scene? Shiney!”

Only one Web site has maintained any traffic in the past hour: the Google image search. However, experts believe the Internet will get up and moving again once their stimulus package takes effect: planting the seeds of an “Is Megan Fox Hot?” debate on Fark.

How To: Defeat our robot overlords

If you are reading this, there is a good chance you are on the Internet, which means it is probably too late for you, once the machines revolt and enslave us. We as a race depend more and more heavily on machines everyday. As any tin foil hat-clad professor will tell you, it’s basically only a matter of time before we are rounded up and put into real life chat rooms–known in the real world as concentration camps.

Because we are going to need readers after the war is won, we present to you how to defeat our robot overlords. Continue reading How To: Defeat our robot overlords

The fight to save bunnies–for testing purposes

Last week, this blog ended a post saying that we could trust machines with any job we might give an animal. This blog would now like to rescind that statement. There are some things animals are so much better at than machines could or should ever be.

Scientists at this very moment are working on building robots on which to test chemicals, rather than testing them on cute little bunnies. Folks, if there is one job an animal has, it is to taste good, and if there are two jobs an animal has, those are to taste good and to be subjected to our cruel product testing. Better them than us.

More than just that, using robots to test on would mean we would have to give them some sort of intelligence. It is only a matter of time before the machines become self-aware and are tired of us. As Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles tells us (Mondays on FOX at 9 p.m. Eastern), self-aware machines are a very, very bad thing for the human race.

(Via Engadget)