‘Gun-owners need not apply’

We’ve discussed guns in this space before. Americans have a right to them, and private businesses have a right to refuse service to anyone they choose … if they’re willing to make us leave.

Since open-carry proponents’ boycott of Starbucks isn’t working, the our brothers in Georgia have almost passed a law to allow privately-owned guns in non-secure areas of the airport. You know, the lobby to the place where it’s illegal to carry bottled water and pocket knives?

According to one of the lawmakers, State Rep. Tim Bearden, “Posting a metal sign that says ‘Gun-Free Zone’ is not going to stop a terrorist or any criminal intent on doing harm to law-abiding citizens.”

And Bearden’s right. A terrorist could pull a gun at the Delta counter. Or in the parking lot. Or in the men’s room when we’re just looking for a handie.

That’s why we need armed private citizens patrolling our airports for other armed private citizens. And to expedite this recruitment, we shouldn’t waste time with bothersome tests like in, say, law enforcement, airport security, anti-terrorist operations, the ability to use said weapon or basic logic.

Last night’s ‘*bleep* Park’ episode

We’d like to extend a hearty congratulations to Comedy Central for almost having the courage to strike a blow for comedy and free expression.

Despite the “warnings” of a group of online Al-Qaeda wannabes, the network did air the 201st episode of South Park, which was the continuation of a two-part story concerning Muhammad and other figures the show has lampooned over the years.

Unfortunately, they also added extra bleeps, including over any mention of the name of Muhammad and the entire “I’ve learned something today …” exchange at the end. (We’d include footage, but Comedy Central refuses to release it online.)

That’s right: they covered the whole point of the episode with a long, offensive, caterwauling screech that we could still hear every time we closed our eyes to go to sleep last night. There are probably animals that are still running towards cable offices, trying to figure out who called them.

So, bravo, Comedy Central. Your cowardly sensibilities won out again, which have brought us such safe choices as “The Jeff Dunham Show” and “The Blue Collar Comedy Show.”

Remind us again: when has the safe choice ever worked out for you?

Was Rick Snee right again?

Last Wednesday, SeriouslyGuys.com columnist Rick Snee gave it to you about the pronunciation of “2010” (again). And while he routinely projects volleys of predictions in these pieces, hoping one of them may stick, it appears he’s on the cusp of being right.

On the topic of future wars in the “Twenty-Ten” chain of events, he said the following:

“But, the Future War could be with anyone or anything. Imagine fighting aliens! Or time travellers! Or maybe even Communazis! Could the British want revenge for losing Samoa in 1900?! We can only hope!

Not one week later, the Yemeni government said that Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, the Nigerian charged with attempted unChristmaslike crotch behavior on a plane bound for Detroit, was “radicalised and recruited by al-Qaeda while a student in London.”

London. As in London, England. That’s where British people come from.

It appears that the U.K. is harboring terrorists. Sounds like invadin’ time to us!

Take it from Snee: I will be safe again

For eight years–eight years–I believed we had created a safer United States, a bomb-free and non-terrorized America.  I thought that, by taking my shoes off at airports and picketing Muslim schools, we were safe.

All of that was thrown out the window this morning thanks to CNN and Bryan Schools (but mostly Bryan Schools). Now I’m terrified, which is terrorism. (Bryan Schools is a terrorist.)

If 10 U.S. government agents could sneak bombs into U.S. government buildings past other U.S. government employees, then every step the U.S. government has taken to protect me was all a lie. I’m not safe, nor was I ever.

But, I’m going to change that, you Take it from Snee. Continue reading Take it from Snee: I will be safe again

Montana town wants already-softened Gitmo detainees

The city of Hardin, Montana wants to host the 240 Guantanamo detainees when President Barack Obama closes Camp X-Ray. It’s not that they have a hard-on for bearded terrorist suspects; they have an empty $27 million jail and construction debts to pay off.

Unfortunately, the rest of the state says, “No. Not yours. Do not want.” (Montana typically elects cats to public office since there are only twelve human residents.)

So, are they being denied because the detainees would “exceed the capacity of the U.S. District Court in Billings, which would have jurisdiction over their cases,” as stated by U.S. Senator Max Baucus?

It’s an interesting theory, but probably because they don’t want the Federal Government to officially deny Hardin, calling the remote Montana city “cruel and unusual punishment — and we’re talking about terrorist ####bags here.”

Wii would like a jail cell

Mohamed Zeki Mahjoub is an Egyptian who received political asylum in Canada, and then was imprisoned as a terror suspect for his close ties to Osama bin Laden’s business and other unsavory folks. After six-and-a-half years in “Guantanamo North” (what do they do, poutine-board you?), he got his release, but a judge imposed some strict requirements on him, still finding him to be a risk to Canadian national security.

Among them: no Internet access. Since the Wii has a connection and a browser on board, bye-bye Mario Kart! Somehow, despite Nintendo’s super-junked up online code system, it’s theoretically possible to send a message to fellow terrorists. The authorities confiscated the console.

Mahjoub says that this, along with other onerous conditions of his release, has destroyed his family life, so he’s asked to be returned to the prison Canada set up in Ottawa to house terror suspects.

Nintendo: making the world better for possible terrorists, one Mii at a time.

Puppy Gitmo is shut down

A woman faces arrest in Mount Vernon, Washington for failure to show up in court for the cruel abuse of four dogs. The other 439 policed seized from her property are apparently OK.

This story answers several questions:

  • The state of Washington is intentionally trying to confuse people by naming its landmarks after ones in the DC area.
  • Crazy dog-ladies do have favorites.

But then it raises others:

  • How bad were those dogs that they were able to single themselves out from 439 of their peers?
  • Is it cruelty if those dogs had information about the other 439’s terrierist connections?

History will judge this woman.

Take it from Snee: ‘Serial Killer’ game is A-OK

If there’s one thing I enjoy about art, it’s an artist’s ability to willingly create something guaranteed to offend the masses. It seems easy: find a piece of collectively assumed “common” thought, and then create something that challenges that thought. The difficulty is separating yourself from common sense long enough to finish that project and then defending it when the townfolk have arrived with your rail.

Ryan Hobson has this difficult part ahead of him right now. The artist has a board game on display at the Vermillion Gallery in Seattle, Washington. The game is adroitly titled, “The Serial Killer Trivia Game,” and consists of moving a player piece around the board and answering trivia questions about, go figure, serial killers. If you get the question right, you “kill” someone on that space, which represents a house.

Continue reading Take it from Snee: ‘Serial Killer’ game is A-OK