Terror Watch ’10: The Sizzler

9/11 changed everything, and by everything, I especially mean our buffet line foods. Now you can add salad bars and buffets to the list of places where terrorists may strike next.

Citing a “key Intelligence source,” CBS News reports that the federal government uncovered an al Qaeda plot earlier this year to poison salad bars and buffets at a variety of undisclosed locations. The report quotes from an al Qaeda website where terror leaders call for

“…attacking the enemy with smaller but more frequent operations” to “add a heavy economic burden to an already faltering economy.”

Specifically, terrorists have proposed using the poisons ricin and cyanide, both of which can be fatal in small doses.

Intelligence officials say that they don’t want to alarm the public, though they have briefed security officers at several restaurant and hotel chains. Intelligence officials, for all their titles may suggest, clearly aren’t aware of just how important places like Golden Corral and Old Country Buffet are to our American lifeblood.

We’re gonna need stronger sneeze guards.

Take it from Snee: How to avoid terrorism

So, I was off last week. What you may not realize is that I was off from my mild-mannered job, too. (By day, I am not the debonair man of Internet taste and karate that you admire.)

When I returned–with their blessing–to work on Monday, I discovered two reference materials in my inbox:

  1. The latest guide to surviving hurricanes from the NOAA.
  2. This year’s Joint Chiefs of Staff Anti-terrorism Guidebook.

This week’s column is not about hurricane safety. As someone who lives close to the Tennessee border and an entire state away from the Atlantic, hurricanes are no joke to this funny guy. If a hurricane ever made landfall and didn’t downgrade to a tropical storm this far inland, then it is time to enjoy my last orgy on Earth.

No, it’s about terrorism and–if you don’t like it–how to avoid it. Continue reading Take it from Snee: How to avoid terrorism

Fox News finally has a true online rival

It took nearly 10 years since they exploded on the New York scene, but Al-Qaida has finally gotten their particular brand of propaganda translated into the English language.

The terrorist group–accept no substitutes–launched their English language Web ‘zine, Inspire, on Tuesday. They’ve even taken a note from infidel fashion magazines with their feature article, “How to Make a Bomb in the Kitchen of Your Mom.”

(Unlike Maxim, it’s not a clever title about impregnating MILFs, but literally about making bombs with common kitchen items … though they belong to your mom and you shouldn’t know how to use them if you’re a fundiemoron.)

We’d like to welcome Al-Qaida to the Internet, and wish nothing them nothing but our thoroughly CIA-investigated best!

Game over, man! Game over!

It's Pat!Believe it or not, there’s an actual method to TSA screening beyond searching for 3-ounce shampoo bottles.

Their screening manual was leaked online, and includes possible methods for defeating airport security measures like using a wheelchair or wearing a cast or orthropedic shoes.

Really? They don’t suspect the disabled despite the 1993 World Trade Center bombing being planned by a blind guy and the retarded fundamentalists that try to light their shoes on fire? I guess the TSA has a cutoff point for “too disabled.”

The only thing that disappoints us about this story is that they don’t explain why other methods are used in the first place, like banning Swiss Army knives. Have you tried to open one in a moment of passion? It takes three tries just to extend a useful tool, and even then, it’ll probably be a magnifying glass or can openner.

SG Translates: Dick Cheney’s May 21 speech

Politics is a lot like Armaic literature: with a little bit of effort, you can read whatever message you want from it. It’s times like these that we help cull the bull from the puckey to translate for our often misunderstood policy makers.

Today, we’re reading, former Vice-President and reigning American Boogeyman, Dick Cheney’s speech on Thursday in response to Obama’s about torture, Guantanamo Bay and 9/11.

(C’mon, you’d think he’d leave that out? Not reliving 9/11 is like Bon Jovi not playing “Livin’ on a Prayer!”)

[Skipping the introductions and cutting right to the meat … ] Continue reading SG Translates: Dick Cheney’s May 21 speech

Lincoln sees eight legs of terror but two fangs of death

Quick riddle: what’s got enough power to kill a person, is nothing but an inch long at most and loves to live where people are? Why, it’s the brown recluse spider that’s infested the Nebraska Vocational Rehabilitation Office in Lincoln, Nebraska.

Now, take that joke and multiply by approximately a gazillion.

Yes, it’s spiders gone wild down in Nebraska’s capital city. Workers in the office have valiantly been doing their part by killing hundreds of the arachnid terrorists, but sadly, it’s just not enough. Experts suspect that many of them are surviving simply by living in underground colonies.

What they do in their underground colonies, we may never know, but we can suspect a few things:

  • At least one of them is video taping plenty of messages to his fellow spiders.
  • Said leader may or may not have a “hide-out beard.”
  • Fornication between the spiders is a strong possibility.
  • Any act taking place in these underground colonies is evil.

Sadly, we can only speculate about the truth regarding what actually happens, because if we truly knew what went down in those dark, dank lairs of evil, it might shatter our entire world.

We’ve already seen one attack on our government offices this month alone. How many more will it take to end this threat, America?!

Nintendo DS: the latest secret terrorist

Rampant PSP fanboyism can totally be seen in households.

A mother in Indiana is currently kicking up a stink after discovering an alleged religious vaguely Islamic secret terrorist gibberish gobbledygook message in the Nintendo DS game Baby Pals. Purchased for her 8-year-old daughter, the game speaks a phrase of gibberish that sounds kind of like “Islam is the light.” CONTROVERSY ENSUES.

This would be hilarious if the woman’s history wasn’t so pathetic patriotic. Rachel Jones discovered the offending utterance first in the Fisher-Price’s Little Mommy Cuddle ‘n Coo doll, then later coincidentally in a copy of Baby Pals she had purchased for her daughter. Meaning that Crave and Nintendo are nothing but secret terrorists. Clearly.

Fun Fact: Baby Pals came out in October 2007, a year before the row about the doll.

“Not just my daughters’ toys, but we have a son too,” Jones told Terre Haute’s WTHI News 10. “Now I feel like I need to listen to all of his little toys to make sure they’re not saying it.”

Fun Fact: The ability of fake babies to exert absolute influence on real children through nonsensical endorsements of religion is well-known. And it’s science. American science.

No word was given on whether the word “light” used in the phrase was meant as “light” or “Lite”.

Please detonate on or before 12-2-2013

It’s that most wonderful time of year, again. Sleigh bells ring, are you listening? The halls are being decked with boughs of holly, fa-la-la-la-la.

(La-la la la.)

And, of course, Congress is warning us that terrorists could kill us within the next five years using weapons of mass destruction.

A prize-winning panel — at least one that earned a blue ribbon — believes that a biological or nuclear attack is likely between now and 2013. After that, the window of attack is closed and terrorists will have to use pointy sticks or something.

So, remember, these next five years are borrowed time. According to former Senator Bob Graham, we could be looking at “9/11 times 10 or a hundred.”

9,110 or even 91,100, people. We don’t even have calendars that read like that.

In related news, Congress doesn’t know that the elections are already over.

Update (5:51 PM):
OK, just checked the math. Actually,

(9/11) * 10 = 8.181818…


(9/11) * 100 = 81.818181…

Still, this does not compute on any reassuring calendar known to Americans.

What evil lies in the luggage of men?

A British court has just learned that the men who are accused of scheming to blow up airplanes over the Atlantic Ocean, were planning to distract airport security by planting porn magazines and condoms in their luggage. Of course, they were unsuccessful in their dastardly deeds, which definitively proves that porn can defeat terrorism and save lives!

You know, it feels funny to even type that last bit out. Hrmm.