You Missed It: End of 2016 edition

My drink order has arrived just in time. Get your own.

Well look who finally got on the “this year sucked” train. I’ve been doing this for years, everyone just finally caught up. I have a theory that 2016 was the Rapture. Everyone you love who was good is gone. Now we’re just in a hollow wasteland, and there’s the devil about. Either that, or we’re old enough that famous people we’ve heard of are starting to die off. This year was a lot like 1941 — we all knew there was conflict, and the headlines were really interesting, then an awful day toward the end of year made nothing feel the same again. This was indeed the worst year yet. Kim Kardashian had something bad happen to her for once. We cheered for sad sack teams. The Supreme Court became an octet. We held a months-long funeral for a gorilla we’d never heard of. We bought some Cuban cigars. We stood really still in videos. Let’s do to 2016 what it did to a lot of famous people, shall we?

January

Let freedom wear a c@#k ring
The armed hicks occupying a tiny federal office building at a remote Oregon wildlife sanctuary complained in a video that people keep sending them sex toys, including a whole bunch of dildos. The group made an appeal to “real patriots” to send them supplies, as they were so busy packing their guns they forgot to bring food and water for their camping trip. America responded by sending them plastic penises, which is a phrase I’ve waited to write my whole life. Upon hearing the news, Cards Against Humanity co-founder Max Temkin, really, sent the occupiers a 55-gallon barrel of lube.

Blowing up the airwaves
North Korea said it successfully tested a hydrogen bomb, but experts weren’t so sure it worked. In any case, the test marked another act of defiance of international sanctions. In response, South Korea set up loudspeakers along the border and began blasting K-pop. These two countries are like feuding neighbors in an apartment building. One keeps making the floor shake with loud thumps, so the other cranks their music, in this case, Psy.

From Mexico with love
After capturing escaped drug lord El Chapo, Mexican authorities published his text messages on his phone. Many were shocked not only to see that he was in contact with Mexican actress Kate del Castillo, but that his texts were quite romantic. He told her, “I’ll care for you more than my own eyes,” and even suggested having her meet his mother. Maybe we’ve got these guys all wrong. We just need to help these drug cartels find love and they’ll stop massacring entire towns. Continue reading You Missed It: End of 2016 edition

Blowing yourself up safely

And the second most embarrassing/damaging thing an auto school did to its students? Naming itself "UTI."
And the second most embarrassing/damaging thing an auto school did to its students? Naming itself “UTI.”

As a non-terrorist organization (unless the Southern Poverty Law Center has received our application), The Guys freely admit that we are not experts in the field of suicide bombing. And we’re not teachers, either, so maybe we don’t have a robust perspective on continuing adult education and jobs training programs.

Non-credentials aside, we can safely say that safety is paramount when training the terrorists of tomorrow.

Iraqi officials report that Sunni militants accidentally detonated a practice car bomb at their training facility north of Baghdad, killing 21 potential “another person’s freedom-fighters” before they could blow themselves up upon graduation. And to heap on the embarrassment, those officials were then able to arrest an additional 22 militants in the chaos.

Learning a new trade later in life, especially in a bad economy, can be both exciting and a little scary. So, while yes, it’s good to go that extra mile in class presentations … you might want to leave your C4 at home.

Gang of angry roosters surprisingly not a gang in ‘Grease’

Sleep is so very, very important. Unfortunately, in some areas of Florida, it’s totally okay to just have chickens and roosters walking around uncaged. These birds are our enemies, they’re not on parole! And now it’s getting really bad for people in Fort Myers (we are SO sorry for number of bird puns in the article).

A group of birds, led by a rooster, have begun a spree of terror, crime and hate upon citizens of the blocks around Van Buren and Washington. Crowing at all times of the day, waking up the neighborhood, attacking other animals, even the ringleader of the gang, the cock of the walk if you will, charges people! Animal control is of no help and apparently Fort Myers is a bird sanctuary. Apparently that means you can’t shoot or kill the birds, or something?

You know, for a state that has no problem with people being shot with the slightest provocation, you all sure are wussing out right now.

Terror Watch ’10: The Sizzler

9/11 changed everything, and by everything, I especially mean our buffet line foods. Now you can add salad bars and buffets to the list of places where terrorists may strike next.

Citing a “key Intelligence source,” CBS News reports that the federal government uncovered an al Qaeda plot earlier this year to poison salad bars and buffets at a variety of undisclosed locations. The report quotes from an al Qaeda website where terror leaders call for

“…attacking the enemy with smaller but more frequent operations” to “add a heavy economic burden to an already faltering economy.”

Specifically, terrorists have proposed using the poisons ricin and cyanide, both of which can be fatal in small doses.

Intelligence officials say that they don’t want to alarm the public, though they have briefed security officers at several restaurant and hotel chains. Intelligence officials, for all their titles may suggest, clearly aren’t aware of just how important places like Golden Corral and Old Country Buffet are to our American lifeblood.

We’re gonna need stronger sneeze guards.

Take it from Snee: How to avoid terrorism

So, I was off last week. What you may not realize is that I was off from my mild-mannered job, too. (By day, I am not the debonair man of Internet taste and karate that you admire.)

When I returned–with their blessing–to work on Monday, I discovered two reference materials in my inbox:

  1. The latest guide to surviving hurricanes from the NOAA.
  2. This year’s Joint Chiefs of Staff Anti-terrorism Guidebook.

This week’s column is not about hurricane safety. As someone who lives close to the Tennessee border and an entire state away from the Atlantic, hurricanes are no joke to this funny guy. If a hurricane ever made landfall and didn’t downgrade to a tropical storm this far inland, then it is time to enjoy my last orgy on Earth.

No, it’s about terrorism and–if you don’t like it–how to avoid it. Continue reading Take it from Snee: How to avoid terrorism

Fox News finally has a true online rival

It took nearly 10 years since they exploded on the New York scene, but Al-Qaida has finally gotten their particular brand of propaganda translated into the English language.

The terrorist group–accept no substitutes–launched their English language Web ‘zine, Inspire, on Tuesday. They’ve even taken a note from infidel fashion magazines with their feature article, “How to Make a Bomb in the Kitchen of Your Mom.”

(Unlike Maxim, it’s not a clever title about impregnating MILFs, but literally about making bombs with common kitchen items … though they belong to your mom and you shouldn’t know how to use them if you’re a fundiemoron.)

We’d like to welcome Al-Qaida to the Internet, and wish nothing them nothing but our thoroughly CIA-investigated best!

Game over, man! Game over!

It's Pat!Believe it or not, there’s an actual method to TSA screening beyond searching for 3-ounce shampoo bottles.

Their screening manual was leaked online, and includes possible methods for defeating airport security measures like using a wheelchair or wearing a cast or orthropedic shoes.

Really? They don’t suspect the disabled despite the 1993 World Trade Center bombing being planned by a blind guy and the retarded fundamentalists that try to light their shoes on fire? I guess the TSA has a cutoff point for “too disabled.”

The only thing that disappoints us about this story is that they don’t explain why other methods are used in the first place, like banning Swiss Army knives. Have you tried to open one in a moment of passion? It takes three tries just to extend a useful tool, and even then, it’ll probably be a magnifying glass or can openner.

SG Translates: Dick Cheney’s May 21 speech

Politics is a lot like Armaic literature: with a little bit of effort, you can read whatever message you want from it. It’s times like these that we help cull the bull from the puckey to translate for our often misunderstood policy makers.

Today, we’re reading, former Vice-President and reigning American Boogeyman, Dick Cheney’s speech on Thursday in response to Obama’s about torture, Guantanamo Bay and 9/11.

(C’mon, you’d think he’d leave that out? Not reliving 9/11 is like Bon Jovi not playing “Livin’ on a Prayer!”)

[Skipping the introductions and cutting right to the meat … ] Continue reading SG Translates: Dick Cheney’s May 21 speech

Lincoln sees eight legs of terror but two fangs of death

Quick riddle: what’s got enough power to kill a person, is nothing but an inch long at most and loves to live where people are? Why, it’s the brown recluse spider that’s infested the Nebraska Vocational Rehabilitation Office in Lincoln, Nebraska.

Now, take that joke and multiply by approximately a gazillion.

Yes, it’s spiders gone wild down in Nebraska’s capital city. Workers in the office have valiantly been doing their part by killing hundreds of the arachnid terrorists, but sadly, it’s just not enough. Experts suspect that many of them are surviving simply by living in underground colonies.

What they do in their underground colonies, we may never know, but we can suspect a few things:

  • At least one of them is video taping plenty of messages to his fellow spiders.
  • Said leader may or may not have a “hide-out beard.”
  • Fornication between the spiders is a strong possibility.
  • Any act taking place in these underground colonies is evil.

Sadly, we can only speculate about the truth regarding what actually happens, because if we truly knew what went down in those dark, dank lairs of evil, it might shatter our entire world.

We’ve already seen one attack on our government offices this month alone. How many more will it take to end this threat, America?!

Nintendo DS: the latest secret terrorist

Rampant PSP fanboyism can totally be seen in households.

A mother in Indiana is currently kicking up a stink after discovering an alleged religious vaguely Islamic secret terrorist gibberish gobbledygook message in the Nintendo DS game Baby Pals. Purchased for her 8-year-old daughter, the game speaks a phrase of gibberish that sounds kind of like “Islam is the light.” CONTROVERSY ENSUES.

This would be hilarious if the woman’s history wasn’t so pathetic patriotic. Rachel Jones discovered the offending utterance first in the Fisher-Price’s Little Mommy Cuddle ‘n Coo doll, then later coincidentally in a copy of Baby Pals she had purchased for her daughter. Meaning that Crave and Nintendo are nothing but secret terrorists. Clearly.

Fun Fact: Baby Pals came out in October 2007, a year before the row about the doll.

“Not just my daughters’ toys, but we have a son too,” Jones told Terre Haute’s WTHI News 10. “Now I feel like I need to listen to all of his little toys to make sure they’re not saying it.”

Fun Fact: The ability of fake babies to exert absolute influence on real children through nonsensical endorsements of religion is well-known. And it’s science. American science.

No word was given on whether the word “light” used in the phrase was meant as “light” or “Lite”.