Tag: testicles

These just in

The high school yearbook is a sacred tradition. Everyone signs each other’s books, and then no one ever looks at them ever again. But for that narrow window when people are signing, they are also flipping through the pages quickly out of sheer boredom. This is when pranks are found, like, say is someone exposes themselves.

At a Catholic School in Ontario, school officials are handing out stickers to remove nudity from the yearbook that no one noticed until nearly all of the books were handed out. (Canadian schools hand out yearbooks mid-way through the year because families need the fuel for fires in the cold winter months.) Someone on the school’s news team exposed his testicles in their group photo, and now, there’s going to be a sticker covering them.

How many times do schools have to learn? You never take your eyes off those journalism kids.

Ask Dr. Snee: Samson Agontestes

Dear Dr. Snee,

Why is it that at the slightest touch, like when I bump them into a shopping cart, does it hurt my balls excruciatingly, but when I’m pounding away during sex, they’re slapping against her and everything feels fine? Do my balls have superpowers?

— Micah C.

The testicles, which you refer to as your “balls,” are incredibly sensitive part of the anatomy that nearly all vertebrate males share. This is why, when someone tells you to “show a little backbone,” you are socially obligated to display your testes in any method of your choosing. I personally prefer “The Brain” because, like a furry misshapen Epcot Ball, it’s fun and educational.

As sensitive as testicles are, you’d assume that a kind and intelligent creator would put them in the center of the body, farthest away from harm, like your heart or uvula. But since God is dead, they dangle there, front and center with maybe a large enough penis to cover them if you’re not wearing briefs. Continue reading Ask Dr. Snee: Samson Agontestes

Testy teens go nuts over balls

And to round out the week of alarming, destructive teenager behavior, here’s a new fad recently uncovered by hip reporters and an even hipper pediatric urologist: “sack tapping.”

Yes, sack tapping or–in places where they call soda “pop”–ball tapping: the testosterone-reducing game of slapping and flicking the testicles of others.

Urologists are noticing more and more ruptured and outright crushed testicles bouncing lifelessly into their exam rooms. They’re now trying to educate young men, warning them that the injuries sustained during the game often result in amputation and even Hitler.

So, as the article asks, “Why [the f#@king s&$t] would boys do that to each other?” Funny you should ask, because University of Michigan’s Institute for Social Research might have the answer.