‘Not tonight, I had a headache’

Nothing prevents headaches like Advil.

We’ve always wondered when men would have pill-form birth control, and it looks like we always have. Research indicates that taking the daily maximum dose of ibuprofen may lower testosterone production, resulting in at least temporary infertility.

The research team discovered this effect when studying high-level male athletes, who often take the highest doses of ibuprofen to treat and prevent muscle pain. This is especially bad news for The Guys, who are high-level drinking athletes — we already can’t take acetaminophen.

Men will live longer if they don’t work out, science says

Men, if you want to live longer, stop working out. You read that correctly, working out may kill you, according to a Yale professor.

We’ve all heard that working out is good for you, but what if it wasn’t? According to Yale anthropologist Richard Bribiescas, as men age, they lose some of the testosterone in their bodies, and because the chemical is kind of harmful for human bodies, including the heart, its decrease has been linked to men living longer. If you’re an older man and you work out a lot, your body is still producing as much testosterone as ever, which means your body still has to process that hormone, which could shorten your life.

So if any of you have a death pool for The Guys, the smart money is on Rick Snee.

Nuts to longer life

We know how much you ladies love a man with big, luxurious balls, but did you ever consider that your shallowness is killing us?

Researchers studying eunuchs in the Chosun Dynasty — the era of Korean royalty spanning from 1392 to 1910 — found that castrated men lived on average to 70, which was 14 to 19 years longer than their swingin’ peers. Even the kings they served lived to only an average age of 47. Even in comparison to today’s males, three out of the 81 eunuchs survived to 100, which is 130 times more likely even with modern testicular medicine and grooming habits.

So, we finally figured out why married men live longer than single ones. (BOOM! Comedy nuke!)

Synthethic ‘roids make us testy

Listen, people. If the FDA and we’ve told you before, we’ll tell you again: don’t use synthetic steroids. They don’t work, except for the liver cancer part.

If you want to make your testicles look smaller, use natural, American-grown steroids instead. And make sure you take them with plenty of clean urine!

It’s especially important in these tough economic times because steroids are a growth industry.

Think of the American testosterone farmer next time you shop for that competitive edge.

Man up, ladies

Are you having trouble “getting it up” in the sack, ladies? (What? We’re not gynecologists.)

It must be really troubling because your old man keeps popping Viagra like it’s the Rapture, but where’s your little blue pill? Sure, he gets a medical boner, but you still have to get excited by his wrinkly liver spots?

Not anymore, thanks to Science! If you’re having trouble drinking-in that tall glass of prune juice you call a man, just slap on a testosterone patch. You won’t just want arbitrary, clinical sex. You’ll also:

  • Get into more fistfights.
  • Discover the allure of fishing.
  • Believe you would have made an awesome pirate.
  • Shave.

Testosterone: make yours bigger.