Tag: texas

Coke hides better when it’s all hidden

In MORE cocaine-related news …

Carlos Valenzuela was driving around Texas the other day, minding his own business, when he forgot to signal a turn at an intersection. For this minor oversight, he was pulled over, and should have got off with a warning/ticket.

That’s how the story would’ve ended if he hadn’t had three giant bricks of cocaine inside his car, two of which were hidden inside an Xbox 360 console. The third was lying in the passenger seat. Whoops.

He was caught with 1.8 kilograms of cocaine, and has been charged with “manufacture or delivery of a controlled substance”.

Now, I’m not a drug czar or drug kingpin or a drug magnate or even a drug janitor; however, I’d think that if you’re going to transport that much nose candy, you’d at least do a really good job of hiding ALL of the drugs, much less being meticulously aware of how you’re driving.

How about Occupy Those Boobs, AMIRITEGIZE?

Finally, a protest we can almost get behind!

A Houston mom decided that she had had enough of being told what to do by Target employees. “Stop running away with those pretzels,” “this line is closed,” “you can’t buy that because we don’t have it in stock,” “put away your fun-bags” and other commands had been sent the way of Michelle Hickman for just too long! Being that we live in a civil society where everyone takes a pragmatic, well thought-out approach to their actions, Hickman did the only rational thing: create a flash mob-style nurse-in at a Target yesterday morning.

“I’ve gotten way more support than I imagined,” Hickman said today outside the Webster store.

Naturally, we assume that’s because she’s wearing a new bra and doesn’t have a kiddo suckling at her teet during the interview.

Who says those who teach can’t (do stupid things)?

In many states, gun owners looking to earn their concealed carry permit must prove to a licensed agent that they are mentally sound and capable of making prudent decisions. What that constitutes, however, is not always clear.

Fortunately, Mason, Texas gun shop owner, Crockett Keller has chosen to demonstrate exactly what isn’t competent decision-making.

In a recent radio ad, Keller announced an upcoming concealed carry course and that “Socialist liberals,” Barack Obama voters and “non-Christian Arabs or Muslims” would not not be permitted to attend. The latter two exemptions are, of course, in violation of the Texas Department of Public Safety licensing policy:

“Conduct by an instructor that denied service to individuals on the basis of race, ethnicity, or religion would place that instructor’s certification at risk.”

We’d like to congratulate Mr. Keller for not only providing a rock-solid example of what kind of people probably shouldn’t carry concealed handguns, but for proving that old adage wrong: Those who teach can do (stupid things.)

Perry’s performance no longer debatable

Texas Gov. Rick Perry, who described his participation in debates to Fox News as “mistaken” earlier this week, has to date only committed to one of the next three debates, leading to conjecture that he might skip them entirely. He’s been forced to publicly admit his performance in recent debates demonstrate that he is “not perfect,” which is a political euphemism for “dumb like the rest of you at this fair.”

His campaign manager, Ray Sullivan, said that they are “examining the opportunities and the opportunity cost” of each debate. But they have not, however, ruled out campaigning — even though Perry polled much higher when he wasn’t even in the race.

Choosy scientists don’t choose Rick Perry

Texas Governor Rick Perry hasn’t had the best month. Oh sure, he can try to make himself out to be a media darling, but when your closest competition for the longest time was a stiff board, well, eventually people were going to begin putting him into perspective. This is not even including Perry attempting to get HPV vaccinations made mandatory while slashing the budgets of Planned Parenthood all across the state or a little documentary that has begun to call into question the decision-making skills of the guy.

Well, it’s not gonna get any easier here, Dicky-boy.

A large amount of scientists created a report on the current state of Galveston Bay, as asked by Rick Perry’s Administation. It was rumored that the report would have landmark consequences. We won’t know, though. Perry’s administration decided to remove mentions of climate change and sea-level rise from the report, which has led to a group of the scientists protesting the now edited report and asking to have their names removed from it under the grounds of scientific censorship.

And by group, I mean all 200 of the scientists related to the report.

“It is basically saying that the state of Texas doesn’t accept science results published in Science magazine,” Anderson said. “That’s going pretty far.”

Have nerds gotten wilier since the days of Ogre, or are Texas officials just dumber?

Take it from Snee: Mars needs strippers!

An interstate brouhaha is underway between Houston, Texas and New York City over the final resting place for the space shuttle Enterprise.

The shuttle, which never flew in space, but was the test model for what became the workhorse of our space program, was awarded to New York’s Intrepid Sea, Air and Space Museum, while Houston possibly receive the Explorer, a full-scale mock-up shuttle, and the finger from all living shuttle astronauts. (Which is actually kind of hard to organize, you f%@king ingrates.)

Rep. Ted Poe and Pete Olson (R-Texas) and Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchinson are using the proximity of a strip club to contest the shuttle’s proposed location, which is right across the street from the rest of the museum. They believe that this “is no way to treat a precious space artifact.”

But, what if the shuttle inspired those strippers to work their way through college studying science and aerospace? Then the esteemed busybodies from Texas would be interfering in my plans to restore the U.S. space program. And, brother? Space strippers is just the beginning. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Mars needs strippers!

Texas mulls cost of feeding murderers to lions

Texas, the executioniest of all the states, kills so many inmates a year that it had to streamline the process a bit. From here on out, condemned inmates will no longer receive a special last meal.

Instead, they will receive standard prison food because, as Texas state Senator John Whitmire put it, “It’s a privilege which the perpetrator did not provide to their victim[, except for that one guy in Se7en who was fed spaghetti until he died. Have we considered doing that, like for some food-based crime like poisoning?]”

Anti-death penalty activists are kind of OK with this decision, saying that the tradition was a pointless exercise in false mercy, and also because of the number of inmates requesting asparagus just so the room will smell for hours afterwards.

The new policy is expected to save money on often uneaten meals, but should it still slow down the execution process, Texas prison officials may consider switching up to Taco Bell and Easy-Mac.

Swimming with the bulls

Should we start a Copy of the Day award? Because we have a humdinger of a winner:

“A spill of frozen bull semen bound for a breeder in the state of Texas triggered a scare on Tuesday that temporarily shut down a U.S. interstate highway during the morning rush hour.

“The incident began when the driver of a Greyhound bus carrying the freight alerted the fire department he had lost a part of his load while negotiating the ramp on a highway near Nashville.”

But, wait! There’s a Quote of the Day, too:

“‘It was no different to us than if a mattress fell off a truck,’ said transportation spokeswoman B.J. Doughty.”

If you think this story is bulls#&t, you’d be wrong.

Lyle’s a less-than-goth name

It happened in John Carpenter’s Vampires, it happened in From Dusk Till Dawn (and the plethora of direct to video sequels), it happened in Near Dark and it’s happening again in Galveston: Vampires.

Mind you, it’s a new day and age. Society has changed greatly since the middle ages. Gone are the capes and frilly-neck shirts! In their place lie tattoos and boxers. Away are slicked back hair! A nice buzz-cut will probably do. Names such as Alucard, Vlad, Orlock, Varney, Shaitan and Faethor are out! Names like Lyle will do the job.

Where am I going with all of this? A man, Lyle Bensley, is charged with attacking a woman in Galveston, wearing only his underoos and the ink that his tattoo artist dark lord gave him … because he is VAMPIRE! At least, that’s his side of the story. I eagerly await the “need to quench the thirst” defense being used in court.

On the plus side, according to the authorities and emergency medical personnel, the nu-age nosferatu wasn’t under the influence of drugs. So he’s got that.

Nothing a little Chipotlaway won’t cure

A Bexar County, Texas,  jail guard was convicted of smuggling a saw blade to an inmate by hiding it in a taco. A surprise inspection of now-convicted double murderer Jacob Keller’s cell turned up a hacksaw blade, a rope, and a prison jumpsuit dyed to look like civilian clothes.

The guard, Alfred Casas, however maintains his innocence, and in his defense, Keller did not escape. So, how did the blade end up in a taco?

  • Fire sauce just doesn’t cut it, butt pain-wise, once you’ve had prison sex.
  • It could have been from Taco Bell, which are filled with 100 percent beef and 100 percent stainless steel saw blades.
  • Casas’ wife may have been trying to slowly kill him, but ran out of arsenic for that day’s lunch.
  • How else was Keller supposed to get the sapling he swallowed out?