European phones are the weirdest

Milk isn’t always a bad choice, but it can be difficult, especially for the cows that are making it. Thanks to the dairy substance, people don’t accurately know when it’s time for brown chicken-brown cow for the cows! Heavens to Betsy!

But the Swiss, they’re always on top of things, such as knives and watches. And now text messages.

Because a Swiss farmer has implanted a sensor in his cows to notify him when they’re in heat with a strong accuracy rate. Or, in layman’s terms, the cows’ vaginas will buzz his phone with a text message (in multiple languages, no less). It’s like a booty call for cows … sort of.

Those are definitely sentences I never once thought I’d write.

What is the pope thinking?

Apparently, Pope Benedict XVI has left Washington, because he was spotted in Australia for a massive Roman Catholic festival called “World Youth Day.” However, it is not the fact that anyone celebrates kids that is shocking, it is the pope’s actions, which had little to do with the youth of the world.

Hold on to your butts: Pope Benedict met with a koala. Not much is known about what the pope and the beast talked about, perhaps the Holy Father is trying to enter peace talks circumventing the traditional authorities, or perhaps he was trying to broker a cease fire. Nevertheless, the pope’s actions are bordering on treason in the War on Animals. This is just the latest attempt of Big Religion to get involved in the ongoing strife.

Fun fact: The pope sends texts messages like a middle school girl, albeit a very devout one.

Pilgrims also received a second mobile phone text message from Benedict: “The Holy Spirit gave the Apostles and gives u the power boldly 2 proclaim that Christ is risen! – BXVI.”