This is the worst time of year for sports. Football is over. Baseball isn’t here yet. It’s the dog days of the hockey season. And basketball sucks. Sure, there’s March Madness to look forward to, but that’s just about brackets, not about the sport. Regardless, it’s basketball, which is just barely above racing in terms of sports I care about. If you were busy asking the FBI to go to bat for you this week, odds are you missed it.
Phones can start wars
Kids are always texting and tweeting on the cellphones, right? No one thinks that it’s a bigger problem than Pope Francis. During an address to some students, His Holiness advised the kids to put their phones down at the dinner table and have a real, face-to-face conversation with adults, or else it’s “the start of war if there is no dialogue.” However, the students were too busy plotting their war against adults via text message.
New level of s*&^$y performance
A band made headlines this week after reports surfaced that a failed enema stunt on stage got them banned from a venue in Houston. According to the bar owner, Sonic Rabbit Hole performed on stage, and then one band member gave another member an enema, and the bag burst. And that, Mr. President, is why we need to support the arts.
Joke’s on him
Speaking of disgusting enemas, some guy got dropped from his book deal, as well as a speaking gig at an ultra-conservative conference, and was forced to resign from his job because he argued for child molestation. Moving on.
The war between technology and art has finally come to a head. And it looks as if technology has won the first battle.
In England, technology has forced a one-ton sculpture to be moved months before it was scheduled to do so, all because people on their phones keep walking into it. “The Kiss” features two giant hands coming together. They say it’s supposed to look like faces kissing, but we’re not artsy enough to see that. The sculpture had been placed on a pathway on a cathedral’s grounds, with one hand coming up from each side of the path. But because of the low clearance, those who weren’t paying attention wound up getting bitch slapped by the huge hands.
We have a feeling that art will have the last laugh, however. In a decade or so, some artist is going to make an ugly sculpture out of old cell phones.
According to a recent survey presented to the American Psychological Association, parents who text and call their teenagers while said teens are driving have children who text and use the phone while driving. Of polled teens, 53 percent of polled teens who talked on the phone behind the wheel talked to a parent.
‘Teens told us parents really expected to keep track of them, and they are expected to answer the phone if the parent calls. In some cases, the parent might continue to call until the teen answers,’ says Noelle LaVoie, a psychologist in Petaluma, Calif., whose private research firm conducts corporate and government studies.
So, the next time a teen dings your ’04 Sentra, send the bill to their parents. After all, they’re the ones who can afford the helicopter they’re using to keep constant tabs on their offspring.
According to a new study, voice mail is over. If you’re still leaving messages, then you might as well climb back up the tree you came from, you ancient mammalian ancestor that we hold in common with apes. Nowadays, the trend is to call, and if there’s no answer, to then text since they were probably screening your call in the first place.
Breaking Update: Nobody “picks up” the phone to answer it anymore. The Guys officially concede being behind the times and have been sentenced to 10 years on hold with the technical assistance hotline.
“I’m just like dumbfounded. And all I kept saying was, ‘I fell. I fell. I fell in the fountain. I fell in the fountain.”
Correction: You clumsily stumbled in the fountain. What you should be saying is “I clumsily stumbled. I clumsily stumbled. I clumsily stumbled in the fountain. I clumsily stumbled in the fountain.” Fixed!
It’s often been said that we should dance as if no one’s looking. This is a stupid piece of advice, as in this day and age, everyone is watching you, especially if you’re connected to the internet in some form of fashion. To run with that point, it’s been said to never be fully tuned out of your environment. This is a genius piece of advice, as it’s important to be aware of your surroundings, as once again, in this day and age, everyone is watching, whether or not you’re connected to the internet in some form of fashion.
Parents, if you thought your work was over: think again.
We’ve locked down every gateway to teenage sex and drinking, whether that gateway was pot, rock and roll, Satanism, thong underwear, birth control, spanking, video games, prime time television, gay teachers, violent cartoons, Sudafed, aerosol cans, presidential “bee-jays,” cleavage on Sesame Street, soccer games with clear-cut winners, candy cigarettes, red ink, trans fats, method acting, driving with passengers, Catholicism, scrambled pornography, comic books, music videos, the rap music, Bratz dolls, Woodrow Wilson, The Catcher in the Rye and that hairy bush from High School Musical.
Since the dawn of backspace-able typing, which allowed normal people to type all day without pausing to change paper or catch the bubonic plague, a creeping pain has stricken the most tenacious, doughy workers: CTS. Carpal. Tunnel. Syndrome.
You’d hear about it at work, usually from the doughy guy in the next cubicle who wore a backbrace just to sit in the car right and lived in constant flux between asthma and allergy attacks. Or from the single-mom across the hall that threatened the company with a lawsuit if they didn’t swap out her furniture with ergonomically-designed Swedish health balls.
Texting has had an incredibly positive effect on society. Rather than have a conversation face to face, or even have to hear the other person’s stupid voice, we can just send a horribly abbreviated message from the office, the car or even the toilet.
However, it seems there might be one single problem for this gift to humanity: we have trouble seeing where we are going. Apparently the problem is so bad that people in the U.K. keep injuring themselves by walking into lampposts and other obstacles on the average sidewalk. One in ten people over there has that problem, so the a charity is testing out padding on lampposts to help cushion the blow.
This blog just thinks most of the injuries are related to their complicated motor vehicle and foot traffic patterns.