“Pick up ur phone LOL”

According to a new study, voice mail is over. If you’re still leaving messages, then you might as well climb back up the tree you came from, you ancient mammalian ancestor that we hold in common with apes. Nowadays, the trend is to call, and if there’s no answer, to then text since they were probably screening your call in the first place.

Breaking Update: Nobody “picks up” the phone to answer it anymore. The Guys officially concede being behind the times and have been sentenced to 10 years on hold with the technical assistance hotline.

The internet loves your mistakes but people love your money

So, remember how a woman was oblivious enough to not be aware about her surroundings while texting and walking? It would seem that someone needs to pay for her blunder! They will pay!

The woman, who up until now, has been unknown, has now been revealed to be 46 year old Cathy Cruz Marrero. That happens when lawsuits come about.

Oh, right, see, Marrero is suing the Berkshire Mall. The gall of anyone suggesting she take responsibility for her actions! When asked about the event:

“I’m just like dumbfounded. And all I kept saying was, ‘I fell. I fell. I fell in the fountain. I fell in the fountain.”

Correction: You clumsily stumbled in the fountain. What you should be saying is “I clumsily stumbled. I clumsily stumbled. I clumsily stumbled in the fountain. I clumsily stumbled in the fountain.” Fixed!

The internet loves your mistakes

It’s often been said that we should dance as if no one’s looking. This is a stupid piece of advice, as in this day and age, everyone is watching you, especially if you’re connected to the internet in some form of fashion. To run with that point, it’s been said to never be fully tuned out of your environment. This is a genius piece of advice, as it’s important to be aware of your surroundings, as once again, in this day and age, everyone is watching, whether or not you’re connected to the internet in some form of fashion.

After all, no one knows when you might be the next double rainbow.

(Courtesy of Liz)

Texting: the new, new gateway

Parents, if you thought your work was over: think again.

We’ve locked down every gateway to teenage sex and drinking, whether that gateway was pot, rock and roll, Satanism, thong underwear, birth control, spanking, video games, prime time television, gay teachers, violent cartoons, Sudafed, aerosol cans, presidential “bee-jays,” cleavage on Sesame Street, soccer games with clear-cut winners, candy cigarettes, red ink, trans fats, method acting, driving with passengers, Catholicism, scrambled pornography, comic books, music videos, the rap music, Bratz dolls, Woodrow Wilson, The Catcher in the Rye and that hairy bush from High School Musical.

We found a new one for you to go after: texting.

Get panicking! Their next text could be the text that makes you a horrible mom or dad.

Typing scourge returns

Since the dawn of backspace-able typing, which allowed normal people to type all day without pausing to change paper or catch the bubonic plague, a creeping pain has stricken the most tenacious, doughy workers: CTS. Carpal. Tunnel. Syndrome.

You’d hear about it at work, usually from the doughy guy in the next cubicle who wore a backbrace just to sit in the car right and lived in constant flux between asthma and allergy attacks. Or from the single-mom across the hall that threatened the company with a lawsuit if they didn’t swap out her furniture with ergonomically-designed Swedish health balls.

If you thought it was gone, think again. It’s back, and just like Jason, it’s feeding on our teenagers.

Lolzerz, I hit a lmpost

These things just jump out at you sometimesTexting has had an incredibly positive effect on society. Rather than have a conversation face to face, or even have to hear the other person’s stupid voice, we can just send a horribly abbreviated message from the office, the car or even the toilet.

However, it seems there might be one single problem for this gift to humanity: we have trouble seeing where we are going. Apparently the problem is so bad that people in the U.K. keep injuring themselves by walking into lampposts and other obstacles on the average sidewalk. One in ten people over there has that problem, so the a charity is testing out padding on lampposts to help cushion the blow.

This blog just thinks most of the injuries are related to their complicated motor vehicle and foot traffic patterns.